Mamamia Horoscopes: Brutally honest, scarily accurate (kind of).

We probably could have hired a professional to bring you the new Mamamia Horoscopes, but we assumed they’d all be too busy winning the lottery every week and helping policemen (almost) solve crimes on reality shows.

So, you’re stuck with me.

Last night, I spent the evening knee-deep in star charts, connecting with the universe.

I understood none of it.

Here you go:

Aries March 21 – April 20

The fifth moon of Mordor in your Jupiter house means today is the perfect day for you take advantage of celestial radiations that will settle in the third axis of Neptune’s house of air. Understand? Good, because it’s like, vitally important that you get that. Lives are at stake.

Also, stop pretending to understand things that you don’t. You think when you smile and nod that nobody can tell that you don’t know what’s going on. Everybody can tell.

Taurus April 21 – May 21

Something you ate yesterday was bad. Get ready for a rough couple of days.

Gemini May 22 – June 21

Stop being so paranoid Gemini! Conspiracies are silly and almost never true. But if you insist on worrying, wear a frangipani pinned to your shirt for the next seven days and avoid the number 127. I can’t really explain – it’s stars stuff. But trust me, that will protect you.

Cancer June 22 – July 23

Today you will find yourself in a very difficult or very fantastic position involving a family member or person who has a face.

Leo July 24 – Aug 23

Did you know that if you spill coffee on a white shirt, the best way to remove the stain is to smother it with red wine and then pat it down with sugar crystals? Try it the next time you’re trying to impress somebody.

Also, stop being so gullible. Everyone is laughing at you.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

Your childhood dreams of being famous have finally come true. A photo of you has become a MAJOR viral meme in a small European country. I’m not going to tell you which one.

As you were.

Libra Sept 24 – Oct 23

OMG! You know that barista who you’ve been making eyes with in the mornings? The one who always puts a little smiley face next to your name because they obviously reciprocate your feelings of love and sexy tingles?

They’re part of an Internet group that believes the earth is flat. And they can’t decide how they feel about vaccinations. So… Just sit with that for a while, I guess.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22

If you see someone with a frangipani pinned to their shirt, point at them and repeatedly scream out the number “127” in horror. Then run away as fast as you can. I don’t have time to explain. Just do it.

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22

This week, the air house in Saturn’s lunar rotation is going to cause a major complication for your best friend’s mother’s cousin’s boss’ boyfriend. So maybe if you can pass on a mess – Fuck it.

I’m going to be honest – I’m grasping at straws here. Not a lot is happening for you this week, Sagittarius. Catch up on TV or something.

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20

There’s an old fable about a goat and a blind chicken walking down a long and winding path in the woods. They come to a fork in the path, and argue about the virtues of a life without bathwater. Then the goat goes home to eat cold raisin toast.

Keep that in mind when faced with the biggest decision of your life this week.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19

According to the sun rising in your second house, you are a person. You often wear clothes. You really like some kinds of food, but hate others. Often, after being awake for many hours, you get tired and need to sleep. Based on that accurate profile, believe me when I say that the stars are telling me that you WILL travel this week. There will definitely be some kind of journey from one place to another place. So, be ready for that.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20

Remember last week, when you said that next week was going to be better than that week but then this week came and it wasn’t actually better than the week you thought it would be better than? You know where I’m at.

That’s Jupiter’s fault. I don’t know what to tell you – Jupiter is being a total wang right now. But in the immortal words of Ernest Hemingway: “Jupiter can eat my poo.”

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