PARENTING CONFESSION: 'I’m struggling to be around my friends who don’t have babies.'

The niggle of annoyance I keep feeling has surprised me. 

The little wedge that's popped up all of a sudden in beautiful, long, uncomplicated friendships.

As the first of my closest friends to become a mum, I knew my relationships with my single dependent-free besties was going to change. But I wasn't expecting those connections to wither away quite like they have, as quickly as they have. 

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After the initial excitement of meeting my daughter and seeing me in my new role as 'mum,' trying to fall back into life alongside these friends feels jarring. While their lives remain unchanged, mine has been completely turned on its head. Where conversation used to flow with ease, now I notice there's a disconnect as they try to wrap their heads around my new reality. 

With every month I've felt the distance between us growing - less texts, less check-ins, less invites - as they realise I can't do the dinners and afternoon walks that used to be our go-to friend-dates.

When we do catch up, I feel myself bristling at somewhat innocent statements like, "I don't know how you function getting up that many times a night," or "why can't they just have a bottle that night (so you can come out for dinner?)"

They feel like mini punches to the gut. The very wording of their questions reveal how little they know about the merry-go-round I am on with a baby who isn't a great sleeper and who will scream if we try and feed her anything but boob.

While their updates are about work, dating and Saturday night plans, my updates are about my baby's new 'skill,' the strange 'busy bored' feeling of maternity leave and what I've watched on Netflix while my baby contact-naps. I feel boring and stale in their eyes as I try and muddle through the first few months of parenthood. I also feel weirdly lonely in our conversations, as I try to make them understand what it feels like to be a new mum.

These are friends who I used to have deep, meaningful conversations with. But now the chat feels like an update - a surface-level conversation you might have with a cousin at Christmas who is in a different life-stage to you. 

As any parent reading this will know, making plans with tiny babies is tricky.

Child-free friends (understandably), don't get the juggle. So they also don't get how crushing and annoying it is when they cancel last minute or push coffee back by an hour. 

Of course sometimes I have to cancel last minute too, more often than not because of shitty sleep (mine or hers). It's illogical, but I feel a twinge of annoyance when my dependent-free friends cancel moreso than when my parent-friends do. Honestly, it's probably because I know a cancelled plan isn't as big a deal for them. They don't get that our catch-up was my only adult interaction of the day, or that I've sat in a dark room to extend a nap so that coffee out can actually happen in the first place.

Weirdly, when a parent-friend texts with, "I am so sorry Billy has refused his nap and is going crazy, I can't make it," I feel a sense of solidarity, not annoyance. 

I know that we're just in different worlds right now. But becoming a mum before my friends has hurt more than I anticipated. It has felt almost like a grief as I've realised they just aren't my people right now. They are no longer the ones I want to dissect my days with. 

I've grown apart from friends before of course, but not these friends. These were my 'forever' mates. We've seen eachother through multiple relationships and interstate (and overseas) moves without a hitch, and yet here we are with my baby creating an awkward chasm between us.

To fill the painful gap left in my social calender, I've been finding myself gravitating towards friends with kids. New friends from parent-group who want to talk about baby poo and teething toys. Who are also up at 2am feeding or trying to work out what highchair to buy. I get that all of this stuff will probably become boring once I'm out of the baby trenches, but right now it's all-consuming. 

Everytime I see my former best friends post an Instagram story from their world I feel a pang. Not because I miss the dinners out and the weekends away right now - I am very content in my baby bubble. I just miss them. I miss knowing everything about them. I miss that feeling of being totally in sync with them. 

I can only hope that when I emerge out the other side of my baby needing me so much we can pick up where we left off. Maybe I won't bristle so much at their comments when I am sleeping more.

But if I'm honest, I know we'll probably never be the same. While I feel twinges of annoyance because of their lack of understanding about babies, they no doubt feel annoyed that I've seemingly disappeared down this hole. 

I miss my child-free friends, but I also know I can't be around them right now. 

I just hope I haven't lost them forever. 

Feature image: Getty.