"Don’t let anyone dull your shine." 9 things I want to teach my daughters about friendship.

It’s a funny thing, friendship. We pick people we like and ask them to do fun stuff with us. And we keep asking them. And they ask us. And over time, if you’re really lucky, a select few become the family you choose.

Yes, there’s a place for acquaintances, work mates, school mum friends, and the like. They can’t all be BFFs. But those friends who feel like home, well, that is an unmatched feeling. And it’s worth holding on to. Friendship is so central to a woman's wellbeing, sometimes more than the relationships we hold with our spouses. But ultimately, a good friend makes life grand.

Since becoming a mum, I’ve realised the importance of cultivating genuine, ride-or-die, loyal, honest-to-God friendships as I watch my young daughters begin to test the new and unpredictable waters of socialising, and especially as my daughters watch me enjoy my own friendships.

Watch: Best friends, translated. Post continues below.

But the necessary truth is that not all friendships are created equal, and not all are destined to blossom into sisterhood. And that’s okay! That’s important! But nothing can quite prepare you for the gut-wrenching, unexplained demise of a close, long-term friendship.

I should have paid attention to the warning signs, and there were many - exclusion, not-so-subtle put-downs, gaslighting, ghosting: the many marks of a toxic relationship - but I ignored them and chose to give the benefit of the doubt.

The breakup was explosive, and the fallout was unanticipated, enormous, and continues to linger. Too many nosey Nancys got involved, too many bridges were burned, too many opportunities squandered by us both for reconciliation. But most of all, the expansive and obvious betrayal by this person cannot allow for the recovery of this friendship unless I really hated myself. It is beyond repair, and for that I am thankful because it has brought me an unexpected conviction in my worth as a person, worthy of positive, healthy, reciprocated friendship. 

As with all experiences in life, there are lessons to be learned. A degree of vulnerability is required for a close friendship, or for any significant relationship to grow. For my daughters, I want them to think critically about the people they allow in their lives, and about their friendships when something feels amiss. If something just doesn’t feel quite right.

To my girls, to all of us, to younger me and today me, ask yourself:

Do you feel yucky about yourself after spending time with this friend?

Notice the way she speaks to you, about you, and about others. Take it from this writer: adjectives matter. We teach people how they should treat us. Read that again.

Do you feel like you have to censor yourself or dumb yourself down when spending time with this friend? 

Don’t let anyone dull your shine. If you feel ashamed of being your authentic self around this friend, question whether this is the right friendship for you.

Do you feel obligated to invite her to outings but she rarely returns the favour? 

Ask yourself why she never chooses you when you’re always choosing her.

Does she surround herself with "yes" people to validate irresponsible choices? 

Let your morals guide you and be unwavering in the face of peer pressure. Like the old high school motivational poster goes, if you don’t stand up for something, you’ll fall for anything.

Has your friend experienced multiple tumultuous friendship breakdowns? 

Take note of the common denominator. This is a red flag if there ever was one.

Have you known this friend for a long time? 

Longevity alone does not make a good friendship. Nor should it be an excuse to treat you poorly.

Does this friend display narcissistic qualities? 

Being upset at you for not asking them to be a bridesmaid when you instead chose your sisters ain’t okay, folks.

Has your friend found it difficult to be happy for you when good things happen to you? 

True friendship - and I can’t emphasise this enough - shines most brightly when the chips are up. Sure, friends are there for us in the bad times, but the really good friends help us to be our best selves and unreservedly celebrate our wins with us. The friend in question reportedly cried when I told her I was engaged. It took her three days to text me her congratulations.

Does your family express any opinions about this friend? 

Sometimes, it can be hard to see someone for who they truly are when we’re too close to them, and sometimes we need to see it for ourselves. To my mum and sisters: you were right all along.

Finally, and this one is oddly specific, but, early on in your friendship, did her ex-boyfriend track you down and call you to warn you about her? Don’t defend her only to be blamed by her for BEING contacted. Don’t apologise because he extracted your phone number from her phone when she wasn’t looking. Do take what he has to say with a grain of salt. Be a good human and shut that line of communication down. But be open to the idea that there might be something to his testimony.

In news that is not news to anyone reading along, this happened to me. Was he seeking perhaps a glimpse of retribution following a bad breakup? Probably. It would be foolish to think otherwise. In hindsight, was he right? Definitely.

Add up all of these red flags and you have yourself a big ol' pattern. And a pattern lends itself to a way of being, not just a few miscalculated choices over time.

Listen to Mamamia's Restart. On this episode, Madeleine speaks to Elisabeth Shaw from Relationships NSW about why it's so hard to make and keep friends as an adult, and how we can attract 'our people'. Post continues below.

Ultimately, girls, I want you to choose yourselves. Choose the friends who are like sunshine and make you feel good about yourself. Choose the friends who actively and enthusiastically celebrate your wins in life, and make sure to celebrate theirs. Choose those who show up and aren’t always "too hungover" to attend a gathering; it’s not cute and no one believes it after the twelfth time. Choose the friends who aren’t afraid to tell you when you misstep, because you will. Because we all do. Choose friends who value your honesty and are able to have the tough conversations when they sometimes arise. Choose friends with integrity, and who are willing to work through friendship bumps, because they are inevitable in long-term friendships. Be wary of those who navigate adult friendship like they did in high school: choosing pettiness over an opportunity to speak candidly and truthfully, unable to work through the smallest of differences, and waging war as a defence mechanism for being called out on their rubbish behaviour. 

Believe and support your friend in their vulnerable times.

Be a good friend, and you will attract good friends.

For friends are the flowers in the garden of life (thank you, quote from my bookmark). Some roses have thorns, so exercise caution. Some colourful flowers are fun to keep for a little while, and then they fall away. But you can always plant anew and explore different varieties, while cultivating your most treasured of all.

Because, ultimately, life is too short to be bogged down in a mud pit of garden-variety vacuous d*ckheads (just let me have this one, okay?!)

Feature Image: Getty.