'I figured out why friendship feels impossible now. You won't like the answer.'

I've always been someone who deeply values time spent with friends. Give me a catch-up over brunch, wine or a cheeky dessert any day and I'm happy.

I love hearing about their lives, chatting about the world or just trading silly gossip. I come away feeling refreshed — quality time is my love language, okay?

But here's the thing I only recently realised: I've fallen into what's known as the "catch-up trap". And if you're anything like me, chances are you have too.

I never really thought about what we do during our catch-ups. Just seeing my friends' faces felt like enough.

But over time, I noticed so many of my friendships had become a cycle of coffee dates or dinner catch-ups where we simply update each other on our lives. It's comforting, but also a little... repetitive.

Comedian Tanya Hennessy described the catch-up trap perfectly in a column earlier this year. You sit down, order your coffee, and then tick off the life admin: work (busy!), dating (ugh!), family (drama!).

The problem? We're not really making new memories. We're just keeping each other in the loop.

Watch: Grace Beverley talk about catch-up friendships. Post continues below.

It's not that these conversations are bad. Every friendship serves its purpose, and not every connection needs to be deep.

But if you've ever walked away from a catch-up feeling a bit flat, this could be why. We're stuck in update mode, not connection mode.

And it's not just in person. The same thing happens over text.

As Grace Beverley, entrepreneur and founder of Tala, shared in a TikTok, our digital catch-ups can feel transactional too.

She said she often lets messages pile up, then replies to them all at once in what feels more like managing emails than talking to friends.

"I've really struggled with how surface-level some friendships have become the older and older we've got because we just don't have enough time," she said.

I'm guilty of this, too. I want to stay connected, but the mental load of keeping up can feel overwhelming. When I finally sit down to reply, it can feel like a chore — not because I don't care, but because I'm exhausted.

So why do adult friendships often feel like this? The answer is simple: life gets busy.

We're all juggling so much, so when we do finally see each other, it feels like we need to fill in all the gaps, leaving little room for anything deeper.

Hear all about the issues with adult friendships on Mamamia's The Quicky podcast. Post continues below.

Psychologist Dr Carolyn Keenan spoke about this phenomenon last year. And it turns out, it may be linked to the overwhelm many of us are feeling.

"There's something about the more surface-level 'catch up' that feels quite protective of our resources," she told The Independent.

When we're stretched thin, we don't always have the capacity to get into the heavy stuff.

"We have access to so much information in our day-to-day life that it can feel like we are soaking up information about people's lives and engaging in discussions about issues all the time in one way or another," Keenan said.

"This can lead to a feeling of burnout when it comes to engaging with people, and a limitation to our willingness to really show up in social situations."

But here's the good news: it doesn't have to stay this way.

As Beverley pointed out, changing how we connect can make a huge difference.

When she moved countries and started phoning friends more, their conversations improved. They weren't just swapping updates, they were having meaningful chats that left her feeling enriched.

How to escape the friendship catch-up trap.

So, how can we break free of the "catch-up trap"? Here's what I'm planning — and maybe you can too:

• Actually do things together. Skip the standard coffee or drinks and make some memories instead. Book that pottery class. Go to that gig. Have a beach day. Shared experiences create new memories, and give you more to talk about next time.

• Get real with your friends. Share the messy stuff and get vulnerable, not just the highlights reel. When you open up, your friends are more likely to do the same.

• Skip the small talk. Some of my closest friendships are the ones where we forego the "Hey, how are you?" and jump straight into "OMG, you'll never believe what just happened..."

• Embrace calls and voice notes. Yes, schedules are packed, but hearing someone's voice can make all the difference. A quick call or voice note can feel more personal and less like an endless text thread. And when you do see each other? Less life admin, more living in the moment.

• Accept that not every friendship will go deep — and that's okay. Some friends are your soulmates. Others are your brunch buddies. Both types matter. But where you can build richer connections, why not try?

At the end of the day, adult friendships don't suck because we've stopped caring — they suck because life gets in the way.

But with a little creativity and intention, we can move beyond just swapping updates over coffee and start creating real moments again. And I think our friends will thank us for it.

Feature image: Mamamia.