'I thought my best friend was acting differently. Then I realised the toxic reason why.'

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A few of my girlfriends are in relationships I wouldn't choose for them.

It feels unavoidable. We hold such high hopes for the people we love. We've lain awake in our bedrooms long past bedtime, comparing notes on our dream futures since we were young. So when you want that kind of love for your friends, watching them settle can feel deeply uncomfortable.

Things really shifted for me after I experienced a toxic relationship dynamic myself. I started to recognise the signs more clearly: constantly checking their phone on girls' nights, updating their boyfriend on every small movement throughout the evening. Leaving early because they don't want to "upset" or "worry" them. A boyfriend who shows up to catch-ups that were meant to be one-on-one. 

There's also this feeling when you're hanging out with them together that's quite hard to describe, but it mostly feels as though your friend is embarrassed by their boyfriend. As though some part of them already knows they're with someone who isn't good for them, and they're ready to explain it away the moment it becomes obvious.

For example, I have a close friend who is always explaining her boyfriend's opinions. He'll say something she knows I disagree with, I'll push back, and then she'll swoop in and explain it away. 

And there's something else too: they're not themselves when they're around their boyfriend. 

Watch: BAYH hosts break down indicators that your relationship may be toxic. Post continues below.

So much of girlhood is built on time spent with other women — in groups, one-on-one, multiple times a week. You know each other deeply. It's almost like a sisterhood. I know it's cliché, but you do know them better than almost anyone. So when they begin acting unlike themselves — and only around one person — it registers as an immediate red flag.

People say that your romantic partner should bring out the best version of you, and it sounds corny, but I think it's really true. I've now experienced both sides: the past partner who wasn't right for me, who amplified my insecurities, and now, the partner who accepts and celebrates me for who I am while also challenging me to grow. I have been an entirely different version of myself with each. 

When your friend is dating someone who seems to influence them to behave in a way that is unlike themselves, whether it be smaller, quieter, more fearful or insecure, it's a sign that the relationship is bringing out parts of themselves that perhaps need healing.

Sexologist and psychologist Laura Lee, says that when a friend is in a toxic relationship, our instinct is often to fix it — or to tell them exactly what to do. "I know sometimes I've responded too quickly, and a bit sharply, because I have such a strong emotional reaction to what they are telling me," she explained "But that can actually push them further away."

Instead, she explains, one of the most powerful things you can do is be a patient, non-judgemental listener.

"Take a breath before responding and remember that they don't actually need — or want — you to fix this," she said. "Let your friend know you hear them, you believe them, and that you'll support their choices, even if you don't always agree with them."

So here's what I would do: 

Continue to be someone they can talk to — without judgement.

Stay curious about their life and relationships in a non-judgemental way, because the moment someone feels like they'll be met with a lecture, they stop opening up.

Laura adds that it can also help to gently reflect what you're noticing, rather than labelling the relationship itself as toxic. "Naming patterns like disrespect, control, dishonesty or fear can help your friend see things more clearly without feeling attacked or shamed," she said. "It's important to remind them of what they do deserve — like respect, safety, honesty and open communication."

Rather than your boyfriend is an assh*le, she suggests saying something like: "I've noticed how often you doubt yourself in this relationship, in a way you never seemed to before. Have you noticed that in yourself? What's that like?"

Keep showing up for them, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Something that happens when people get into toxic relationships is that their close circle slowly dissipates. People don't want to deal with a toxic dynamic, and some find it too painful to watch someone they love go through that — and fair enough. 

But I've always felt that even if I know it's negative, even if I don't agree, I want to be someone they feel connected to. Someone they could come to if anything happened. Someone who would still be there if it ended.

Listen: In this episode of But Are You Happy, Dr. Anastasia Hronis shares a step-by-step guide to setting healthy boundaries without damaging your relationships. Post continues below.

Offer your opinion — but choose your moments carefully.

I think that it's good to give them an external perspective, but timing is everything. If they come to you to reveal something their partner has done that has frustrated or annoyed them, that's often the right moment to be honest. You can affirm their negative emotion, while also giving them your opinion.

I also think that your opinion can be valuable when you notice something you don't like, as long as you frame it gently. For example, say their partner kept interrupting them at dinner. You could take a trip to the loo with your friend and say something in passing like: "He's always butting in, isn't he?" Casual, lighthearted, but a clear observation in the moment.

Remind them of who they were before the relationship.

This is something I only learnt recently from a psychologist friend, but reminding your friend of the things they loved to do before the relationship allows them to do their own comparison work.

For example, if they loved to go out dancing before, but you haven't in months, you could say something like "You used to love dancing — those were our best nights." This may jog their memory and invite the question: has this relationship changed me? Without making you the bad guy.

Finally, Laura reminds us that supporting someone doesn't mean sacrificing yourself. "You're allowed to have boundaries," she said. "In fact, boundaries done well actually create connection — they don't limit it."

Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do isn't to convince someone to leave, because they really need to come to that decision themselves. But you can help them to remember who they are. And that is important, special and the job of a true friend.

Feature Image: Instagram/@lauraroscioli