'There are 4 stages in a good relationship. Most of us don't ever get to the last one.'

Look, I can't really label myself a "success story" as a single divorcee at 41. I've never reached "the promised land" of happy-ever-after. But perhaps, as someone who has lived through failed relationships, I have gained something more along the way.

Insight and perspective.

While society loves slapping the "failure" label on divorce, I've come to see it as more of a brutal masterclass in personal growth.

On one of my many quests to make sense of the world, and the people in it, I stumbled upon a framework that explains exactly why some relationships work, and why others don't.

Watch: Mel Robbins' 'Let Them' theory. Post continues below.

Enter Matthew Hussey, renowned relationship coach, New York Times best-selling author of Love Life, and honestly, my new personal Roman Empire. (If you know, you know.)

In his book, Hussey outlines four crucial stages that relationships must progress through to truly last the distance.

And what's particularly fascinating (and slightly confronting) is that most of us never fully reach stage four.

What are the stages?

Stage 1: Admiration.

This is where it all begins — you spot someone across the room, or perhaps swipe right on their dating profile and think "wow." You're drawn to their looks, personality, or that inexplicable something about them.

The catch? It's entirely one-sided. They might not even know you exist.

Pop culture couple: Gunther and Rachel (Friends).

Poor Gunther. Image: Friends c/o Warner Bros.

Poor Gunther from Central Perk — the poster child for unrequited love. For ten seasons of Friends, he pined after Rachel Green while she remained blissfully oblivious. Their "relationship" never evolved beyond his one-sided longing. Classic stage one with no progression.

Stage 2: Mutual Attraction (The Chemistry Phase).

Now we're getting somewhere. Both of you feel that spark, that delicious and at times intoxicating chemistry, and you both make it known it's mutual.

This is the stage that can feel magical. The butterflies. The feeling that what you've found is rare and special.

But here's Hussey's brutal truth bomb — this feeling isn't as unique as we think. In fact, we can experience chemistry with lots of people throughout our lives.

The problem? Many of us get stuck here, mistaking great chemistry for something more substantial. We stay in "situationships" hoping they'll magically transform into something serious.

Pop culture couple: Daniel Cleaver and Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones Diary).

An iconic mini break. Image: Bridget Jones Diary c/o Universal Pictures, Miramax Films.

The chemistry here was undeniable. The 'mini-break', the quips, the shared sense of humour. But as Bridget painfully discovered, chemistry without commitment is just a really fun way to get your heart broken.

Daniel was never going to be more than a fling with fantastic banter. Their evolved friendship in the later movies proves that chemistry can sustain us as friends. But in romantic partnerships, chemistry may ignite the flame, but stage four is what keeps it burning long after the honeymoon phase has fizzled out.

Stage 3: Commitment.

This goes beyond just agreeing not to sleep with other people (though that's usually part of it and the first step).

Hussey's take is that true commitment is about both people actively agreeing to build a life together, aligning on the big stuff like living arrangements, marriage, children, timelines and expectations.

What blew my mind is that he pointed out you can be in a relationship for years and never actually reach this stage if you're not on the same page about these fundamentals.

Finding a solid Stage 3 example was surprisingly difficult — pop culture seems obsessed with giving us commitment-phobic couples who magically end up together. Carrie and Aidan? Got back together in And Just Like That. Carrie and Big? Six seasons of on-again-off-again before that wedding (setting unrealistic expectations for generations of women).

That's why Elizabeth Gilbert's actual marriage (that later became the inspiration for Eat Pray Love) works perfectly — they committed fully but divorced when fundamental incompatibilities couldn't be overcome. A relationship that genuinely stalled at Stage 3.

Pop culture couple: Liz and Stephen (Eat Pray Love).

A very prickly scene. Image: Eat Pray Love c/o Columbia Pictures.

They had the formal commitment (marriage, house, the whole shebang), but compatibility? That's where it all fell apart.

Despite creating a seemingly perfect life on paper, Liz found herself suffocating in a relationship where their fundamental wants diverged dramatically — he dreamed of children, while she realised she wanted... well, not that. They didn't mutually support each other's career goals. It was an uncomfortable watch.

Their marriage exemplifies what Hussey warns about: you can genuinely love someone, make all the right commitments, and still discover you're building entirely different lives under the same roof.

No amount of commitment can overcome that kind of core misalignment. (But then we wouldn't have Eat Pray Love.)

Have a little faith.

For my fellow single readers who are probably starting to lose hope here, have faith. I still do.

Hussey shares the perspective that "the loves of our lives would never choose to leave us — they would always choose us." This is rooted in the belief that when someone is truly right for us —when they are our person-they won't walk away or abandon us, no matter the challenges.

Instead, they consistently choose to stay, invest, and build the relationship, rather than leaving us questioning our worth or their commitment. So when people leave us, they are not our person. We just haven't met our stage 4 (yet).

Stage 4: Compatibility — The Promised Land.

This is where the magic happens. You've got the admiration, the chemistry, the commitment, AND you actually work well together as a team.

This final stage is surprisingly rare. Many couples love each other deeply but simply aren't compatible in ways that matter for long-term happiness — lifestyle preferences, values, beliefs, conflict-resolution styles, or future goals. And you need all of them to work. And you might not have them all aligned right away, but it's about choosing to evolve and grow together. Which is why my final pop culture couple is a perfect example of how this can look.

Pop culture couple: Harry and Charlotte (Sex and the City).

Brady's birthday party. We will never forget this scene. Image: Sex and The City c/o HBO

Harry and Charlotte exemplify what Hussey defines as true compatibility — the ability to "meet each other's core needs harmoniously" while building a functional life together. What makes them the gold standard isn't just their acceptance of differences.

It's that, despite their differences, they compromise, evolve and function effectively as a team when facing conflict and life's challenges. A partnership where both people can thrive while building toward shared goals, even when those goals evolve over time. To put it simply, they choose to make it work. And love is a verb after all. You need to both people to keep choosing it, even when it's hard.

The Uncomfortable Truth.

The brutal truth Hussey lays out? You've got two choices: speak up about what you need (even when it feels terrifying) or resign yourself to relationship purgatory. And while having tricky conversations with your partner can be hard, the tougher conversation might be the one with yourself.

Are you genuinely fulfilled, or just settling because being alone feels scarier than being half-seen? And if you aren't getting what you want and deserve, isn't it better to be alone, but also, importantly, available to meet your 'Harry Goldenblatt'?

As it turns out, the Beatles got it wrong. Love isn't all you need. But in their defence, 'All You Need Is Compatibility' isn't quite as catchy, albeit accurate.

Feature Image: Eat Pray Love c/o Columbia Pictures.