'There are moments in this job that break you. Bondi was mine.'

To the first responders, the people who run into danger, not away from it:

Words will never describe the feelings that we put ourselves through every time we start a shift and walk out the door, not knowing if we'll come home. To say goodbye to the people you love while quietly accepting that this shift could be different. That today might be the day that changes everything.

When the call comes through, there is no time to prepare emotionally.

Police officers move towards chaos with limited information, knowing that hesitation can cost lives, but so can rushing in blindly. Every step forward carries weight. Every decision stays with you long after the scene is cleared.

I wasn't one of the officers who responded first, that day at Bondi, I attended the scene the next morning. I wasn't there in those initial moments, and I can honestly say, I cannot imagine what that would have felt like.

I cannot imagine the fear, the pressure or the responsibility they carried in real time.

But even being there within 24 hours. Even that was enough to stay with me.

Listen to Mamamia's twice-daily news podcast The Quicky as we remember the victims of the Bondi attack. Post continues below.

There are moments in this job that break you.

Standing with the parents of a 10-year-old child who had been shot and killed is one of them. Trying to find words where none exist. Watching a family's world collapse in front of you and knowing that no amount of training prepares you for that. You do not forget grief like that. You carry it with you.

The next morning, many of us returned to the crime scene early. We stood in the same place where lives had been lost, helping, documenting and doing what needed to be done.

Others went straight back to normal duties. Answering calls. Attending jobs. Being present for the public while still processing something that should never feel normal.

Image: Getty.

And then there is the criticism.

To sit in uniform, still carrying the weight of what you have seen, and hear people say that police froze is deeply painful.

Those words come from a distance. From slowed down footage, hindsight and the safety of not being there.

To say that the police on scene froze is inconsiderate at best. Until you are the person in the uniform, trying to decide if you save a life, end a life, try to control the crowd, or protect lost children, you will never understand.

These comments come from people looking at an out-of-context photo, or a statement from a witness who isn't 100 per cent sure what happened.

Since the incident, I have had dreams every night, wondering what I would have done if it had been me. And each time, my mind fills with possibilities.

"What if I miss and hit someone else?"

"What if he shoots me whilst I'm trying to shoot him?"

There are so many possibilities that you don't know, not until you are there.

This incident did not just affect police.

Paramedics, nurses, doctors, psychologists, forensic teams, religious leaders and civilians will all carry pieces of this for years. Some may never fully recover from what they experienced or witnessed.

Image: AAP.

I have seen a lot in this job. But this is one of the first incidents that has truly rocked me.

Not because I was on the front line, but because of the loss, the grief and the realisation of how fragile life is. And because I know the officers who were there will carry that weight forever.

So before judging the actions of first responders, please consider this.

Unless you have run toward danger. Unless you have made life and death decisions with incomplete information. Unless you have stood with grieving parents and then gone back to work the next day. You do not know what that moment required.

And for those who have. Those who responded and put their lives on the line, I thank you.

And I am so, so proud of you, every day.

*Mamamia has chosen to keep the author's identity anonymous for privacy reasons.

How to help following the Bondi Beach shooting.

In the aftermath of the Bondi Beach shooting, many people are searching for meaningful ways to help during the incredibly distressing time. If you're able:

You can support victims and their families by donating to verified GoFundMe fundraisers established in response to the attack here.

By giving blood at your nearest Australian Red Cross Lifeblood centre, to help those receiving medical care. Find your nearest donation centre here.

You can also pay your respects and share messages of support via the NSW Government's Online Condolence Book, which offers comfort and solidarity to those affected. You can sign the book here.

Feature image: Getty.