"To my darling children, on your first day of school without your mum around."

‘Dad, I’m going to school today…’
‘Yes you are Lottie.’
‘Dad, can I go pack my lunch?’
‘No Lottie, it’s only 6am, go back to sleep please.’
‘Ok Dad, I’ll just pack some grapes…’

‘DAD!…’
‘Yes Lottie, don’t yell please.’
‘DAD! we don’t have any grapes.’
‘Dad, we need grapes.’
‘Ok Lotts, but the shops aren’t open yet.’
‘It’s ok Dad, I’ll take chips instead.’

‘Dad, can I put my uniform on.’
‘No Lottie, it’s still only 6am.’
‘Ok Dad, I’ll just put my skirt on then…’
‘Dad, it has shorts inside it…’

Dear Lottie and Tom,

Thank you for making today easier. Day One of Big School for you Tom Tom. Day One of 2,500, give or take a few public holidays and off to Kinder Green.

And Day One of Pre School for you Pott – another Ground Parrot in the house.

Lotts, I love that you were so pumped about school you packed two extra pairs of undies… just in case.

And Tommy, you were quietly confident. First into the hall and first through the classroom door, and you weren’t really sure what all the fuss was about. Playing it coy, perhaps, and I love that you’re looking forward to learning how to read.

Thank you both. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for embracing change. And thank you for doing it with a smile and a gorgeous cuddle at the end of the day. A cuddle that melted my heart and would have melted Mummy’s too. A cuddle that helped more than I can explain in words.

The Parent Code, on everything about starting school. Post continues after audio. 

Today was another first for me, a first for you both, and another first that Mummy wasn’t, and isn’t, here for. There will be more – another at this time next year when you head off to Kinder Potts, so at least we’re getting some practise in.

I’d like to be able to tell you that they get easier, the firsts, but they don’t really. Not for me anyway. Though you guys certainly helped today.

It’s hard to explain, because it’s a strange feeling of happiness and sadness at the same time. I should be happy and excited for you both, and for the three of us, but there’s a flatness to it all as well. A forlorn flatness.

I think it stems from the fact that Mummy would have loved to have sent you both off to school today for the first time. She would have loved to have braided your hair Lottie, when a scrappy old pony was the best I could manage.

She would have taken great pride in finding matching name tags for your bags and clothes, rather than using a Sharpie in true #DadHack style. She would have stayed for a cup of tea to chat all the things Kinder and ELC and I’m pretty sure she would made sure there were grapes in the fridge for Day One.

I know it must be hard for you seeing all the other mums on days like this, just like it is for me. And I love that you just get on with it.

For me, it’s hard seeing other mums and dads so excited because I just think of how much she would have loved it. How much she would have loved buying you your school shoes, picking up your uniform and contacting your book, which we -- I mean me -- still need to do tonight. #Pleasehelp

Last night I sewed a couple of buttons onto your hats, just like I did last year for you, Tommy. They are old ones of Mummy's, a spare off a Burberry trench and one from a Karen Millen coat to be exact. It was the best I could do in the way of introducing a little bit of style to your school uniform and the new school year. Oh, and a little bit of Mummy to be with you each day.

I loved showing them to you this morning, and yes Lottie, ‘Dad is an excellent sewer…’ but don’t worry if you lose them, we’ve got plenty more. Coats, jackets, vests, trenches, shirts - there’s plenty more buttons if we need them.

LISTEN: The Well, on grief. Post continues after audio.

In the months after Mummy died, I set myself a few little goals. One of them was to get to today in one piece and to get you off to school in two happy and healthy pieces.

To see both of you head off so happy, content, calm and quietly confident ready for your next adventure feels good, but strange as well because Mummy is not here to see it. It also feels good to be in one piece myself, but weirdly a bit strange as well.

Tom thank you for drawing your teacher a shark and fish, I’m sure she loved it. And Lottie? That Rhino was amazing.  You’re right - it didn’t need any colour, as they are grey.

Here’s to a fun, happy and healthy school year ahead. You guys have started on the right foot, and I’m not far behind. Enjoy Big School and remember the sooner you learn to read, the sooner you get to read these letters.

Tom I love you shark, and Potts I love you Lotts.

This post originally appeared on Daddy Letters. You can view the original post here. 

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