You know when you’ve been waiting for something to happen for SO LONG, and then when it finally happens, it’s kind of… well, it’s kind of disappointing?
That’s what happened to me during tonight’s episode of First Dates.
For the first time, we saw a lesbian couple attempt to find love on the dating show, but it ended in disaster. It was truly devastating to watch.
This is Renee.
She's 23, has dated both guys and girls, and doesn't drink, so she orders a "water on the rocks".
Renee seems like a pretty great gal, to be honest.
She's set up with 23-year-old Aimee, an ex-fashion model who is the actual definition of "a bundle of nerves".
This is her:
Sorry, no, wrong picture. My bad.
From the moment they meet, things aren't looking good. Thanks to their nerves, they have NOTHING to talk about.
As in, I really want to tell you about their conversation, but they don't talk about ANYTHING.
Renee wants to order a steak. Aimee says she is a vegetarian, so naturally, Aimee orders a steak anyway.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Aimee says she can "hear an animal crying" every time someone eats meat and when Renee's medium-rare steak arrives on the table, her face looks a little like this:
After what seems like hours of awkward smiles and glances around the room to find something, ANYTHING to talk about, the girls are asked about their date.
Unsurprisingly, both agree they don't want to see each other again. But then Aimee goes one step further.
"There was nothing that could have even made that date better. For me, it was horrible," she says, while Renee is STILL SITTING RIGHT THERE.
"It was probably the worst date I've ever been on. There was no connection, there was no spark, there was nothing."
It truly is painful to watch, because I can see Renee - who started off the night being so excited about the prospect of meeting someone new - having her heart broken right before my eyes.
First Dates is known for taking an awkward situation and multiplying it by a million. But humiliating someone on camera for the whole country to watch? That is just not on.
We need something happy to distract us from that awful scene, so let's talk about some happy couples on the latest episode, shall we?
Biannca (yes, with two N's) is a 21-year-old "Instagram Queen'. No, really, she has 24,000 followers and her selfies (which she describes as "creative") put Kim Kardashian to shame.
In the past she has dated "celebrities" and "boy band members" but, unsurprisingly, has never found someone who wants a long term relationship.
Enter Will, a loveable 26-year-old British chap who says his Grandma "prayed for his eyes", which sounds super weird but sometimes Grandmas do weird things so I'm going to let that one slide.
Wills sees Biannca enter the restaurant and those beautiful, spiritual Grandma eyes practically fall out of his head.
He really, really likes to cheers. I started to do a count, but then realised everything is edited, so we probably missed AT LEAST 75 of the 'cheers' moments Will actually did throughout the date. #FAIL.
I can tell these two are madly in love when they decide to do a Face Swap.
It's the stuff of nightmares. It's creepy AF, but also kind of adorable so I've decided that Face Swapping must now be a compulsory activity during every first date.
Don't question it, just go with it. Please.
It's clear they have ALL THE FEELS about each other, and my frozen heart (after watching Renee and Aimee's brutal break-up) thaws just a little bit when we learn they are still dating and Face Swapping and dog Snapchat-filtering each other.
Next up we meet Rachelle, a FIFO worker whose job is to "blow sh*t up in the mines".
She confesses her job is more exiting than her sex life, and BRB, I'm starting a petition to rename the show to 'People I Would Very Much Like To Be Best Friends With'.
She orders a beer. We think Cam the Barman just found 'The One':
Too bad she's actually meeting up with Adam, a builder who confesses he has never, ever had a girlfriend, a fact he likes to repeat over and over and over throughout the date.
Seriously though, all Adam wants is a girl whose "got her sh*t together and knows what she wants out of life" and in among all the guys saying they want someone who "takes care of themselves" (honestly, what does that even mean?) Adam is the breath of fresh man-air we've been craving.
It's hard not to love these two.
They exchange cheesy pick up lines (it's clear they've been watching Shadi on the show for the past few weeks...), and then do shots, which Cam clearly poisoned as part of his master plan to win over Rachelle, because they taste truly horrible.
Love is blossoming before our eyes and I'm not crying, you're crying.
Rachelle is clearly 'blown away' by Adam's outstanding pick-up line ("I want to paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado") and agrees to see him again.
They high five. I high-five myself. I'm so alone...
Our final daters for the night are....oh no. Not again. I CANNOT do this again.
It's Shadi. Shadi is back. For the third time.
Shadi, I love you, but a girl needs some space.
He's looking REALLY SUPER DUPER RELAXED while he waits for his date to arrive at the restaurant.
Also, he wants to meet someone who is "less intense" and more artistic and laid-back.
The producers have set him up with Danielle... who... well, I'll just leave this here, okay?
Shadi starts off with a bang, joking with Danielle that he is a delivery driver for Red Rooster.
(Wait, Red Rooster delivers? How have I gone 27 years of my life without knowing this?)
He tries some one liners and... she likes them? She actually LIKES them?
I'm. So. Confused.
Shadi and Danielle are practically perfect for each other in every way, but his nerves ruin everything when he makes a joke about her being an escort.
Nice one, Shadi.
Thankfully, she has been paid generously by the producers to pretend she likes Shadi she sees something she likes in Shadi, and agrees to a second date.
Thank. Goodness.
And so we kiss goodbye another week of First Dates. Here's to next week, which will hopefully be free of heartbreak (and Shadi...).
