You can find a lot of literature written on male commitment phobia. One popular book that springs to mind, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’, even inspired a movie. What you don’t often hear about is a woman with a fear of commitment, a woman who is afraid of happily ever after.
I’m one of them.
I was your average female who dreamt of meeting her one and only, having a fabulously on-trend wedding and buying the dream renovator where she will eventually raise her family of Instagramable children. I pursued that dream throughout my twenties, and twice I came close to achieving it.
They were both great relationships. But I hastily ended them as soon as talk of marriage became serious, as soon as the dream started to look like a possible reality.
An enveloped fear of being trapped and fear of missing out on what could be became a regular pattern of behaviour in my dating life. It was hard to comprehend that I had commitment phobia, when ultimately this was my dream, the way my life was supposed to be.
I had long-term, serious, committed relationships starting in high school. But we weren’t mature enough to handle such big emotions, and the relationships broke down in a series of betrayals. As a teenager already dealing with the usual hormonal changes and not yet confident in myself as a person, these breakups were devastating and confidence-crushing. So by the time I entered adulthood, my self-esteem and view on relationships were already a bit tainted.