'There's a quiet kind of abuse we never talk about. I lived it.'

I didn't set out to write this.

I usually avoid talking about my biological family or my childhood altogether, but a simple trend I came across online a few weeks ago caught me off guard and pulled something into focus that I hadn't seen clearly for decades.

It started as a TikTok trend, the one where people edit a photo of themselves hugging their younger selves.

It seemed like just another piece of soft nostalgia floating around.

After moving house and unpacking old photo albums, I decided to take part, thinking no one else would ever see it. But when I finished the edited image, I couldn't look away. Staring at my younger self in the arms of who I am now, I saw what could have been.

Watch: Why 're-parenting' your inner child is so important. Post continues below.

Parents are supposed to have that instinctive rush after birth, the one that makes them want to protect and love their baby. So when your parents can gaslight you, manipulate you, or turn you into the family's black sheep, it's hard not to think the fault must be yours.

You start believing you must have been so awful that even biology couldn't bond them to you. But when I looked at that image, I saw her differently.

I saw a girl overflowing with emotion, love, and strength, someone who desperately wanted to be loved unconditionally by her parents.

A child I would be proud to hold and protect.

"You only get one mum and dad." It's a phrase many of us have heard when we set boundaries with family. And yet, there's a growing number of millennials and Gen Z who are quietly and painfully choosing distance from their parents. The word "choose" implies agency, but it rarely feels like one.

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If I had a real choice, I'd have my parents in my life. There's a deep, constant ache that comes with that loss, one that never truly goes away.

But here's the truth: as a society, we've learned to identify and name abuse when it happens in romantic relationships. We call out coercion. We call out the manipulation. We call out control. We even have laws that protect people from this.

We collectively understand that emotional and psychological abuse is dangerous, even life-threatening. Coercive control is finally being recognised as a crime, but only if it comes from someone you once dated, not someone who raised you.

That means if a family member uses the same tactics, manipulation, isolation, financial control, intimidation, gaslighting, it's not recognised under that law. You can only report it if it crosses another criminal threshold, like assault, stalking, or financial fraud. When the same pain has different names depending on who causes it, something's deeply wrong.

When it's a partner, we say, "You deserve better". When it's a parent, we say, "You owe them". The double standard is loud.

Maybe that's why so many of us are quietly rewriting what family means. We're not trying to erase our parents; we're trying to unlearn a kind of loyalty that has deeply hurt us while being told that family is forever and family always protects one another.

I don't know a single person who wanted to cut off their family. Most of us begged. We cried. We tried to become the version of ourselves they might finally love, more successful, more obedient, quieter. But you can't earn your way into being treated with respect.

I remember when I cut that rope. It didn't feel like a choice, not the way changing your hair or moving houses does. It was a survival decision, one that no one congratulates you for. When you leave a partner who breaks you, people call it strength. When you leave a family who does the same, they call it ungrateful.

Healing from family abuse doesn't always look like reconciliation.

Sometimes it looks like peace in silence, safety in distance, and the quiet knowing that love shouldn't demand your destruction. Perhaps that's where change begins, not just in laws or labels, but in the way we talk about love.

Because abuse is still abuse, no matter where it comes from.

If you're experiencing coercive control, want to support someone else, or you're hurting someone you care about – there is help available .

If you are in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000) and ask for police.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), chat online via 1800RESPECT.org.au or text 0458 737 732 – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Feature image: Canva.