'The 5 Facebook friends I just can't stand'

By ALANA SCHETZER

I’m un-friending people on Facebook.

And here’s why.

If you’re on Facebook, then chances are you have more Facebook ‘friends’ than actual friends – you know, ‘actual friends’, those people you see in the flesh and whose last name you know.

The people on your Facebook list can include family, old school friends, colleagues, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, your friend’s friend, that guy you met on your last Contiki tour and Julie, who you met in a spinning class and keep meaning to catch up for coffee with but never manage to.

Therefore, there’s often a lot of culling of people who aren’t actually your friends. After all, considering all the private and potentially embarrassing information you share in cyber space, you want to make sure only people you actually like and care about are privy to it.

But how do you know who to cut and who to spare? I reckon I can help you with that…

1. The casual racist/sexist.

It’s amazing how you can think you know someone… then they upload a post that comes straight out of 1952. Progress has skipped these Facebookers and they have no idea – or at least, no shame – about it. It can come as a huge shock when Joe, the guy you sat next to at work for two years, writes “Google is obviously a girl because it won’t let you finish a sentence without suggesting something else!” LOL! That’s almost as funny as the friend who suggests Prime Minister Julia Gillard would be more popular if she dressed better to hide her behind. Oh, wait, that was Germaine Greer. Oh well, delete her too.

2. The obsessive poster.

These virtual stalkers don’t target any one person, just their internet connection; they never let an opportunity to share a thought with the world. I used to be Facebook friends with a girl who would – and I suspect continues – to post up to a dozen posts a day. A day. Everything from posts of her food, moods, latest celebrity crush and pictures of ‘inspirational’ quotes would clog up my news feed everyday.What’s to actually talk about when we actually catch up? The answer is ‘nothing’.

Another regular offender is the new mother/father. Posts of new babies and big milestones are one of my favourites. But no one, spare grandparents, wants a twice-daily update on junior’s adventure in babyhood. Especially their bowel movements. Same goes for diet enthusiasts. Have you cut gluten out of your diet? Eating only organic? Cut out red coloured foods? Great. Just don’t tell me about it everyday. Or worst, post pictures of what you’ve just cooked.

3. The drama queen/king.

For the passive-aggressive attention seeker, Facebook is the best invention ever – you don’t need to be anywhere near a person to complain. For friends of the passive-aggressive attention seeker, Facebook is the worst invention because you can now cop their whinging 24/7.

The PAAS uses Facebook to make vague statements to fish to compliments and questions from their Facebook friends. Examples include, but are not limited to: “I hate myself”, “Sometimes I wonder if anyone likes me?” and “I need to be alone. Do NOT talk 2 me OK!” These Facebookers are soul-destroying, exhausting and more high-maintenance than a bonsai plant. But before you unfriend then, it’s probably best to send them a message kindly suggesting they do some work on their self-esteem.

4. Can’t spell.

Every time a person gets “your” confused with “you’re”, an English language fairy dies.

5. Bad Taste.

Every time a Facebooker ‘likes’ something, it comes up on all their friend’s timeline. And it can be very revealing what some people like. Anyone who ‘likes’ Nickleback, Tiger Woods, Jersey Shores, Tori Spelling, Two and a Half Men, fashion brand Ed Hardy or Sam Newman should be immediately deleted and without guilt.

Alana Schetzer is a Melbourne-based journalist and writer. You can follow her on twitter here.

Do you have friends on Facebook who fit into any of these categories? Have you ever ‘culled’ your Facebook friends? Are there any categories missing from this list?