'Apparently, all kids need to hear these four words. Turns out, so do I.'

I was doing my usual evening scroll the other night (definitely not indulging in a little revenge bedtime procrastination), when I spotted an article about a four-word phrase every kid needs to hear.

I don't have kids and I'm… not a kid myself.

But for some reason, I clicked. I just… had to know, you know?? And when I read it, these four little words slapped me in the face:

I believe in you.

Oh. Oh.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because I'm currently raising tiny humans who need to hear it (I'm not); but because I suddenly realised how rarely I hear those words as a fully grown adult.

And how much I still need them from time to time.

Watch: A 60-second breathing exercise for anxiety. Post continues below.

Because, think about it — when was the last time someone, anyone, looked you in the eye and simply said, "I believe in you"? I genuinely can't remember.

Whether it's a boss, a friend, a partner, a friend or a parent (hey, it's still nice to hear that sort of thing from your mum or dad, even at 40!), it's not often as adults we hear another adult say they have faith in us.

And okay, I get it: I'm a grown-ass woman who should have the confidence not to need external validation, blah blah. And sometimes — most of the time — I am! But as much as we learn to prop ourselves up, sometimes it's nice to get some gentle encouragement from the people around us.

The validation factor.

I spoke with psychologist Sahra O'Doherty, President of the Australian Association of Psychologists and principal psychologist at Mindscape Psychology, about why these words matter so much, for kids and for adults.

"Kids need to have a lot of needs met when they are in their very, very early developmental phases," she began. "One of the key needs for children is a sense of growing autonomy and independence."

Telling children they have faith in them is how parents teach kids to take calculated risks and try new things within safe boundaries.

When those needs are met early on, we internalise them and carry them through into adulthood.

"Those internalised messages sort of become our own self-talk later down the line," O'Doherty added. "Those become the messages that we learn to tell ourselves later on through life."

But this external validation still remains important even as adults.

Which might explain why, as a fully grown adult who can book her own dentist appointments AND remember to put the bins out most weeks, I still occasionally want someone to tell me they believe in me; someone to remind me, when my confidence might be taking a sick day, that I actually do have everything I need to succeed.

"This whole idea of adults not needing external validation is just rubbish," O'Doherty told me (and phew, because I was starting to worry that I'm heading towards narcissistic territory for wanting it).

Without messages like "I believe in you", we can become "really anxious or hesitant and not wanting to try new things" in childhood, and this extends later in life.

"Our confidence can become really low, and we're more hesitant about trying [things] because of that."

Of course, there's research out there to back this up too. For example, a study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that rewards in the workplace, including praise, can significantly boost employee motivation and performance.

On the flip-side, a lack of positive feedback can lead to reduced motivation, which negatively impacts productivity.

So, is it… bad to want words of affirmation, then?

I'm not suggesting we throw positive self-talk out the window. Heck no! It's so important!

But there's also nothing wrong with wanting to hear some words of affirmation from the people around us from time to time.

"It's just that when we want it too much — if it becomes something that becomes really disappointing if we don't get it — it can become a problem," said O'Doherty.

The good news is, if you do crave external validation and struggle to give yourself that positive self-talk, it's still very possible to learn how to give ourselves internal validation as adults.

"That's actually a large part of what I do with a lot of my clients," O'Doherty said. "Teach them, through practice and through role modelling, that they can actually develop that encouraging internal voice that gives them that sense of self-belief.

"If we do both the cognitive aspect, of giving ourselves a sense of reassurance or praising ourselves when we've done a good job, trusting ourselves to make decisions, et cetera, and we're doing the behavioural aspect, which is taking calculated risks, stepping outside our comfort zones and evaluating the outcomes of that — actually recognising afterwards that we did a good job — then we can, in time, develop that internal encouraging voice.

But, she warned, "it does take a lot of practice". So maybe cut yourself some slack if you're still working on it.

So now what? I'm not suggesting we all start wandering around our offices telling colleagues we have faith in them (though I'm not totally opposed, because how cute would that be!).

But maybe there's room for being more intentional about expressing confidence in each other. Maybe managers could explicitly state, "I have faith in you" before delegating important projects. Maybe friends could say it before someone faces a challenge.

And perhaps most importantly, we could say it to ourselves more often. Our inner critics are loud; our inner cheerleaders should be louder.

I didn't know how much I needed to hear "I believe in you" until I realised I couldn't remember the last time someone said it. Now I'm making it a point to offer this gift to others — and to practice telling it to myself.

Because no matter how old we get or how many times we've pretended to understand our tax returns, those four words never lose their power.

Alix Nicholson is Mamamia's Senior Weekend Editor. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok, or subscribe to her Substack.

Feature image: Supplied.