An open letter from everyone who has ever worked in hospitality.

It is a well-known fact that you only have to work in the hospitality industry for three days to discover that you dislike people.

There is no prejudice, no discrimination – you dislike all people equally. Men, women, children, babies, people from all walks of life; they are all the worst.

Combined, we have ten years experience in hospitality (oh Jesus, someone kill us), which spans two continents, involves a number of workplaces, dozens of weddings, lots of corporate events, and one Year 6 graduation where the girls were wearing heels.

The world is a bizarre place, and those who work in hospitality see it all.

So therefore, it seems only right that we speak on behalf of everyone who has ever worked in hospitality, and identify the many insights that we (unfortunately) all share.

Insight #1: Australia has a drinking problem

Australia definitely, irrefutably, without a doubt, has a drinking problem. Everyone has a drinking problem and everyone probably needs help, but at the same time, we wouldn’t have a job if everyone got help, so you may continue to drink, just don’t a) get into fights when we have to cut you off, b) do really weird stuff that only drunk people do, e.g. hide your dinner plate under someone else’s chair cover (yes that actually happened).

or c) throw…things.

Drunk people are always throwing things. Seriously, you need to stop. Someone is going to trip, you’ll get in trouble, and it just definitely will not be funny in the morning.

Insight #2: People do REALLY strange things

Someone once took a sip of their water and then poured the rest into the ice bucket. Thus, the ice which we put into every drink was now infected with one man’s backwash. Sweet.

After a wedding we once found a dirty nappy hidden under a table.

We had so many questions. Where did you change the nappy? Certainly not at the table? We hadn’t even noticed that there was a baby at the wedding…which raises even more questions.

A man also once tried to hit our boss with a chair. Although, in his defence, that was definitely the result of the many drugs he was on.

Up until our stint in hospitality, we thought people were better than this. Bottom line – they’re not.

Insight #3: You do not know frustration until you’ve had a keg explode in your face.

The feeling when the keg runs out and you have absolutely no idea how to change it, but you definitely should, considering you’ve been working in hospitality for five years, is really anxiety-provoking. You have no choice but to go and change it.

You find a keg, that looks like it may once have been full of beer, but no longer has beer in it. Everyone drunk it all. You pull a thingy. You don’t know what it’s meant to do. You twist another thingy. Nothing happens. But then, you pull something, and BAM.

You’re covered in beer. You then proceed to fumble with unknown contraptions, and do a combination of things, hoping that somehow, the keg with the beer in it will be connected to something that means the beer will come out of the tap.

You then return to the bar, freshly showered in VB, to then be told THE PERSON HAS CHANGED THEIR MIND.

Insight #4: Everyone’s coffee order is ridiculous

It doesn’t make you a bad person. We’re not hating on you. Our coffee order is also ridiculous. But please know that having a decaf, skim Cappuccino with extra chocolate and three sugars completely defies logic.

You want a pumpkin-spiced what?

Also – we groan in our heads every time someone says ‘mugaccino’. The word is ‘cappuccino’. It is not ‘cupaccino’. Hence, wanting a mug of cappuccino does not equal ‘mugaccino’…it makes about as much sense as drinking 17 ‘light’ beers. Every time someone says it, an Italian, somewhere, cringes.

It is also common for people to complain that their coffee is not warm enough, until we are literally made to burn it. The coffee is fine. It is just that over the years, people have BURNT THEIR TONGUE so much that they no longer have a temperature gauge.

Insight #5: People ask too many questions/make too many comments

“What’s a canapé?”

It’s free. Just f***ing eat it.

“Do the vegetarian spring rolls have meat?”

“These rice paper rolls look like children’s fingers.”

…yuck.

Insight #6: People consume far too much

You have not seen the greed of the human race until you’ve worked in hospitality. On behalf of the entire industry, we’d like to suggest that when an event was clearly catered for numbers, you probably shouldn’t take a handful of canapés. You eating all the food means there isn’t any left for other guests, who are also hungry, and cranky, and willing to blame us for it.

When a guest comments, “oh, you should probably come down this end more because I haven’t seen any of the canapés”, we are so tempted to point to the group of guests, who are carefully positioned near the exit of the kitchen, and say “that’s where your food went. Take it up with them”.

Insight #7: Everything is gross

Everything in hospitality is disgusting. This one is probably partly our fault, but by the end of our shift, we’ve built up such a hatred for mankind that our cleaning skills are probably less than optimal. But anywhere you have multiple types of liquids…just…festering, it’s going to get gross.

One time a woman came to the bar complaining that she had consumed some water from a jug of water sitting on the bar (what…jug…) and had then gotten sick.

FOR.

A.

WEEK.

The thing is, no part of us doubted her story. It was so definitely true. We just couldn’t provide any explanation of what was wrong with the water, because there was so much grossness, it couldn’t be narrowed down.

Insight #8: People leave their shame at the door

If this is how people behave day-to-day…we don’t know how the world continues to function. People throw tantrums. People vomit. People throw food. One time (this was in the US, thank God), upon watching surveillance footage to try to solve the crime of a stolen bag (oh yes, people steal things), we watched in amazement as a man so casually wet himself while sitting at the bar. You could…see it. On camera. It formed a pool at his feet. WHERE IS YOUR SHAME.

Don’t get us wrong, some aspects of hospitality are great.

The pay is quite nice, the people you work with are fun, and sometimes there’s a fire in the kitchen and the place is closed for a week. But, for some reason, they need someone to work at the bar “in case someone comes in” (#freemoney).

People in hospitality deserve a medal for putting up with the complete and utter weirdness of the human race. But instead of a medal, you get a big fat beer-flavoured burp in your face before someone orders their next drink.

So this letter is dedicated to all those who have struggled, or are currently struggling, in hospitality, who have truly seen humanity at its worst.

Do you have a story about working in the hospitality industry?