'As a sex worker, I know I saved marriages. But I can't do it anymore.'

They say you have lightbulb moments at the strangest of times. Mine was the other night just as I was about to go to sleep. Something wasn't feeling right. Earlier that day I'd recorded No Filter podcast with Mia Freedman, and Mia asked me whether I still believed married men seeing escorts saved marriages, something I said in 2014 when I outed myself as Samantha X. Something that, as Mia put it, got some women angry. 

Oh yes! I exclaimed defiantly, I still stand by that! And rattled off what I had learnt about married men.

If there's anything I know about being in the public eye, stick to your guns. Don't show any kind of weakness. And sure, the words came out of my mouth with the bravado I was so used to putting on. But the problem was, it wasn't Samantha saying them anymore; it was me, Amanda.

Listen to Amanda Goff speak to Mia Freedman on No Filter on why she quit escorting. Post continues after podcast.

Later that night, still not feeling right, I texted Mia at some unprofessional hour. I said it didn't sit right with me anymore, that I no longer wanted to be part of deception in a marriage. "I saw you flinch, so this makes sense," she wrote back. 

So what's changed? 

Now the fog has cleared, I can look back at my time as an escort with a helicopter view. I can see more clearly now the impact my choices have had. Let me be clear: I am not regretting the past. I'm not writing off the past decade as some kind of breakdown. I have owned who I was, who I am now, and what I have done. I have achieved a lot, written two best-selling books, have a successful business, have helped support men in their darkest hours and helped women find their 'inner Samantha.'

However, now, I acknowledge that my actions have impacted people close to me, and far from me. I acknowledge that some wives have discovered their husbands had been seeing me, and I have had to deal with a couple of phone calls. Funnily enough, most of the wives and I have bonded.

I acknowledge the hurt I have directly and indirectly caused to these women, whether or not they knew about me.

For that, I apologise.

I am sorry if you are a wife who has found out your husband was a client, or that you suspected. I was a third party, and I probably was a secret and that bit no longer sits right with me.

Ironically, I once discovered my ex-partner was seeing an escort during our relationship, and it was devastating. Karma is a b*tch, hey. I confronted the escort, and we became friends (briefly). But I got to feel the pain. I never blamed her, I understood, but it hurt.

Do I think men seeing escorts saves marriages? Yes, sometimes I do. Men have affairs, not all, but enough. Seeing escorts is not an affair. It's transactional and has very clear boundaries. It's a safe bet. The escort doesn't want to run off with your husband, I can assure you. She probably just got rid of her own. One wife asked me once: "What do you think about when you are with someone's husband?"

My answer made her laugh. "What I'm going to have for dinner."

It's true, any escort will tell you the same.

Watch: Amanda Goff on The Morning Show about her double life as a high-class escort. Post continues below.

There are the men whose wives have been sick for years, who have an arrangement, who no longer sleep in the same bedrooms as their wives, and whose marriages are pretty much dead. Both parties are staying for their own reasons, money, kids, and so on. I’ve seen men cry because their wives are having affairs. I'll never forget the man who sat on the sofa and sobbed for our hour because his wife had been bonking her personal trainer. It happens both ways.  

It is not an escort's job to judge a man, or a marriage, and quite frankly, nor is it their business. The job is clear-cut. You are being paid for your time. What both consenting adults choose to do in that time is between you and your client. At the end of the date, both parties go home to their lives. No texting, no turning up at their office, no phone calls to the wives. No wrecking of lives. 

But I am a woman, I've been in love, I'm a jealous lover. I was very upset when my ex confessed to seeing escorts. I know how it feels. I know some men get hooked on the thrill of seeing someone new, the excitement, the illusion. The exhausted wife at home, who is probably dealing with three kids and a job, can't compete against an escort whose only job it is to be perfect for a client. (She is in her tracksuit at home after, believe me). 

We are all responsible for our own actions. I can't control what men do. I can only make changes within myself, and while Samantha clinked wine glasses with many a husband, Amanda doesn't.

Amanda Goff was once Australia’s highest paid escort. Under the pseudonym Samantha X, she appeared on TV regularly, wrote books and even started her own escort agency. But 18 months ago, after eight years as Samantha, Amanda received some surprising news after a series of confronting experiences prompted her to seek help. And what she learned made her question everything about her life… Listen to the No Filter interview here. 

Feature Image: Supplied.

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