Erica's fiancé called her a sex addict. At first, she didn't believe him.

When Erica Garza started dating Elliot*, she felt like she was finally in a relationship with a grownup. She was a young college graduate and aspiring writer; he was a New York-based filmmaker in his late 30s, immersed in a world of celebrity, artistic pursuit, and financial success. They were engaged within months.

As Erica wrote in her 2018 book, "Getting Off", her relationship with Elliot was the first one she'd had that wasn't centred around sex. At first, it seemed like part of the appeal, but it soon became the central problem. As the months went on and the sex dwindled, Erica became frustrated. She even convinced herself that Elliot must have been sleeping with other women. 

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When they argued about it one afternoon, Elliot fired a question at her: "Have you wondered if you might be a sex addict?" 

Furious, Erica yelled a denial. But somewhere, dampened by the rage, was a faint whisper of recognition. 

"I would feel so much guilt."

Raised in a Latino Catholic household in Los Angeles in the 1980s and '90s, Erica knew little about sex. 

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"At school and at home, nobody talked about sex, except to say that it was something bad, something dirty, or something that only happens between a man and a woman to make babies," the author and essayist told Mamamia's No Filter podcast. 

When Erica started masturbating at age 12, she felt like she had stumbled upon a thrilling yet terrible secret. Afterwards, she would feel overwhelming shame, guilt, and fear that people would find out.

Around the same age, Erica was diagnosed with scoliosis and was being taunted by her peers because she had to wear a back brace.

"What I think shifted my normal sexual explorations into something problematic was that I found that masturbation was a nice escape from that. I could just tune into my body. It was almost like mindfulness, like meditation," she said.

"But unlike mindfulness, where afterwards you're calm and relaxed and you have more focus and clarity, I would be filled with that shame again. I would feel so much guilt, and I didn't know how to separate those two feelings."

This union of shame and pleasure became central to Erica's sexuality. She had wired herself to associate sex with that "dark, heavy, adrenaline-fuelled" sensation she'd experienced as a young teen.

When internet pornography boomed, Erica sought out content that delivered that same dose of shame. Often, that meant clips featuring women being degraded by groups of men.

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"It's scary because once you get to that point, it becomes very limited what you find stimulating," she said. "After a while, I would just feel numb, until I found that one that gave me that feeling, and then feel sickened with myself afterwards."

There was a similar pattern in her relationships. 

"I would sleep with guys who I knew wouldn't take me out on dates. They would just come and have sex with me and then leave," she said, "and that feeling of being used felt very much like the shame and pleasure that I would get out of the porn scenes that I watched."

In her book, she also recounts sleeping with a group of her former high school teachers whom she ran into on a drunken night out — one of many experiences that haunted her in the harsh light of the morning after.

Erica knew she had a problematic approach to sex. But she hadn't considered the word addiction until her fiancé, who was himself a recovering alcoholic, lobbed it at her during that fight.

"To have an actual name for it and to have somebody who had his own addiction call it out in me, it was very confronting," she said.

Too confronting. She and Elliot broke up. Ending their relationship felt easier to her than interrogating the idea that she may need help. That wouldn't happen until several years later.

Shifting the shame.

Sex addiction isn't an official diagnosis. There's much debate among psychologists about the validity of the term itself, what behaviours it includes, what drives such behaviours, and how it ought to be treated. As a result, it isn't listed in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — the standard diagnostic resource used by clinicians around the world. 

Rather, 'sex addiction' is simply the catchall phrase people tend to use when referring to persistent sexual urges and behaviours that a person feels they have no control over. People who identify as sex addicts often describe the destructive effect on their life and relationships.

This was certainly the case for Erica.

"I spent a lot of time pushing people away so that I could spend more time at home feeding the addictions. I mean, watching porn can take up the whole day if you're trying to find the perfect clip," she said. 

"I would often neglect schoolwork, I would neglect my job… I think friendships are what suffered the most. I had a lot of difficulty making platonic friends because it was much easier to flirt with somebody than have a friendly conversation, much easier to have sex with someone than actually become emotionally intimate."

There was no rock bottom, no single catalyst for Erica's recovery, just a looming 30th birthday and a voice in her head that was growing louder and louder, urging her to stop living that "dull, sad, lonely life".

"[I was] ending up at the same place in relationships over and over again, and making the same mistakes over and over again, and feeling empty and wanting that emptiness to go away, and knowing that it wasn't serving me anymore," she said.

"I just feel like, sometimes you have to be at that point in your life where you're ready, and I was ready at that point — or I decided to be ready."

Erica's recovery has involved years of experimentation and exploration. She's leaned on Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings, self-help books, therapy, kickboxing, and yoga. There was even a sojourn to Bali that could be lifted straight from the pages of Eat, Pray, Love. 

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Amongst the most healing practices has been radical honesty. The first person she told about her issues with sex and porn was a man she started dating while in Bali. That disclosure came with feelings of relief.

"Saying it aloud helped me get a grasp on how it started, how it got worse, [and to] have that reflection that I needed in order to know what to do next," she said.

Researching and writing "Getting Off" and speaking publicly is a continuation of that endeavour.

"The worst thing for me seemed like being found out," she said. "And then once I put it out there and made the choice, then that fear was gone."

She's now married (to that man she met in Bali). Having released the shame, she can healthily express her sexuality. That was crucial. It wasn't about how much sex she was having, or how much porn she was watching, it was about how she felt afterwards.

"My husband and I watch porn sometimes. My husband and I, we experiment with non-monogamy sometimes, and I don't use those things as escape routes anymore because I have healthier methods," she said. "I realised that I could still be this sexually empowered person without blowing up my life, without lying to people, without cheating."

She hopes that by sharing her experience, she can help release the shame we have as a culture about sex and porn addiction, particularly amongst women. It is, after all, a term that has become associated with predatory men (think Harvey Weinstein) who have used it to justify their criminal behaviour.

She wants to serve as an example that sex addicts aren't always predatory, aren't always men, and aren't always women who've experienced abuse or trauma.

"I think that this idea that women are not sexual or women can't become sex addicts will change the more that we decide to talk about it," she said.

"Whenever I talk about this stuff, I make sure that I say my name, I say I'm a normal person, I'm married, I have a child. I try to break through these ideas of what they think a sex addict is supposed to look like."

For more of Erica's story, including what to do if you suspect your partner may have a sex or pornography addiction, listen to No Filter in your favourite podcast app.

*Name changed to protect privacy.

Feature Image: @ericadgarza Instagram.