These two compliments don't empower you, they control you.

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Look, we love a compliment. Especially when it's from someone we're dating, sleeping with or co-parenting a fiddle leaf fig with. 

There's something deeply validating — borderline euphoric — about being told we're smart, sexy, funny, or emotionally grounded by the person whose attention we crave the most. 

Compliments, when genuine, bring us closer. They make us feel seen. Appreciated. Desired. Like we're not just background noise in someone's life, but the main character they've chosen to hype up. 

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But not all compliments are created equal. 

According to psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., "in certain relationships, compliments don't just affirm, they also secretly instruct." 

"They reward the parts of you that are the most convenient, most regulated, or least disruptive."

Yes, there are some whispered words that sound sweet, supportive and even intimate, but the reality is that they're not really praise at all. These compliments function more as emotional IOUs, and rather than building connection, they work to build a power imbalance. Think of them as unspoken contracts designed to reinforce the version of you that's most useful, easiest to be around or least likely to challenge the status quo. 

Sound familiar?

Here are the two biggest culprits, according to Travers — and why they're more akin to low-key emotional manipulation than meaningful words.  

'How are you always so calm?'

On the surface? This feels like praise. Like you're emotionally evolved, cool under pressure and the walking embodiment of a meditation app. 

But if you're always being applauded for your calmness, chill and your refusal to make a fuss — what happens the moment you're not calm?

You feel like a disappointment. 

"This is praise that can be used to reward emotional silence, not emotional strength," says Travers. 

"There are moments when praising your calmness is less about your inner resilience and more about their own comfort. They may not be celebrating your emotional health. Instead, they might just have been relieved you didn't have an emotional reaction, even if it was warranted in the scenario."

This kind of compliment can condition us to believe we're only lovable when we're emotionally convenient. So, we stop expressing our real feelings, we swallow our anger, we downplay our sadness. We avoid conflict like it's a cursed group chat. And the kicker? Over time, you start performing calmness to keep the relationship stable. Not because you feel calm, but because you've learned that your actual emotional needs might be too much.

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'You're the only person I can talk to.'

At first? This feels like soulmate-level intimacy. Like you're the one. The safe space. The emotional landing pad.

But give it a minute, because what this really means is: "You're now my emotional support human, therapist, crisis manager, and emergency contact… forever."

There's no room for reciprocity. No other outlet. No system of support — except you.

It sounds flattering. It's not. It's an emotional monopoly.

You start to feel guilty for having your own feelings or for not being available 24/7. You become the person who's always there, no matter what's going on in your own life — and that's not a real partnership.

According to Travers, this type of praise can foster "emotional dependency".

"It places you at the centre of their emotional regulation system," he says. 

"What starts as flattery can quickly turn into emotional obligation. This type of compliment can breed emotional enmeshment: a blurring of responsibility where your support becomes their lifeline."

Basically, if a compliment comes with a job description, it's not a compliment.

And those most at risk of falling into this trap? The emotionally responsible girlies. The ones who've mastered the art of holding it all together. The ones with the words "I'm fine" stuck on a loop, a calendar full of other people's birthdays, and a little people-pleaser living rent-free in their nervous system. (Hi, it's me.)

So what can we do about it?

If you've been on the receiving end of these compliments — or, more alarmingly, if you've found yourself saying them — consider this your gentle intervention. 

Because while they might sound like praise, they often come with expectations attached, and that's not connection, it's conditioning. 

Start paying attention to which compliments feel expansive and which feel like you've been quietly handed a script.

True praise celebrates your full, messy, evolving self. Not just the version that's the easiest for another person (or a partner) to deal with. Not just the regulated, resilient, "I've got it under control" self that makes everyone else more comfortable. 

Instead of "You're so calm," try "I love that you can be honest with me, even when it's messy." Instead of "You're the only one I can talk to," try "Thank you for always making me feel safe — I know that's a big ask."

Compliments should feel like connection, not control. Because love isn't about who's the easiest to be around. It's about being real — and being loved, even when you're not calm, cool or emotionally convenient.

And honestly? That's the kind of compliment we actually deserve.

Feature image: Getty.