EM: Sometimes, being a mother is just sh*t.

I wish to start with the following disclaimer:

I love my girls; they are my everything. Especially since I’ve become a single mother, I have come to rely on them for certain things even more. They are good kids.

BUT.

I just can’t be bothered parenting sometimes.

There, I said it. I know you know what I mean and if you don’t, send me your secrets, you wizard.

Yes, I love my glorious rat bags unconditionally, lights of my life blah blah blah, but on occasion I just want to facepalm them both and say: “Not today.”

I don’t feel like enough of us admit that sometimes, being a mother is just shit.

It can be lonely, frustrating, tiring and thankless. Of course it can also be exhilarating, rewarding and downright delightful. Sometimes I think I may explode from a love/pride combo. But that stuff is easy to talk about.

What I’m getting at is this: I think it’s ok to admit that your kids, can on occasion, PISS YOU OFF.

Sometimes my kids are jerks, but because of some weird sense of loyalty I don’t really admit that to anyone else. I am also guilty of gushing over every single crappy little thing they do. Until now. I’m putting an end to the lies!

I wrote the following memo to all children. Feel free to keep it to yourself or read it as a bedtime story to your cherub and/or cherubs. You can take the swear words out if you’d like, but I find well placed coarse language makes my kids pay attention. Here we go:

Em’s memo to all kids

1. What is with the drawing on every scrap of paper and presenting it like it’s a fecking Picasso? Is that a fish or a car? Either way, if you want it stuck on the fridge: do better.

2. Why do you need to use so much toilet paper? Your arse-to-paper ratio is way out. Your back-end has the surface area of two oranges. Use you resources accordingly.

3. While we’re on the toilet, do you actually go out of your way to shit on the bowl and piss around it? Seriously – is this some kind of sick joke? Please stop it or Mummy is going to start doing it and nobody wants that.

4. Put your shoes on, put your shoes on, for the love of God put your shoes on. You are NOT ready until they are on your feet.

5. Mummy doesn’t care if your sister/brother punched you. Is there blood? No? Toughen up and deal with it yourself.

6. Sliding down a slide is not that impressive, don’t look to Mummy for positive reinforcement on this one. Say it with me: gravity. It was gonna happen anyway.

7. You can’t swear but Mummy can. Why? Because she shitting said so.

8. “Because I said so” is a valid answer. Do not argue with it.

9. Yes Mummy loves you. But sometimes, she don’t like you.

10. If I have to compliment one more fecking cartwheel. Seriously. That is all my daughters do.

Am I the only one? They fit them in anywhere and everywhere. My youngest did one on a bloody train last week. Seen one cartwheel SEEN ‘EM ALL.

Of course I’m not saying this applies to all of you, it may only apply to me (that is more often than not the case.) If it pleases you, I would like you to expand upon the memo with your help! What tough love truth would you like to tell your kids? This will make us better parents, I promise.

I now feel guilty for writing this. Damn it!

I’d better go and bake a cake or something. No. BE the words Em. BE the words.

Ok Em, thanks.

What tough love truth would you like to tell your kids?