BACH FLUFF: The Bachelor's Elise isn't a "front runner". Her fate was sealed in the first episode.

Before we really get into this, no, I never actively sought to become a Bachelor conspiracy theorist.

It happened. Accidentally. And as much I would apologise, I would like to say that so far, none of my theories have fallen through. I would also like to add that I hate myself, and you can too. (But not before you acknowledge that however trivial this may be, I do have a very strong, scientific, facts-based point.)

Great. Shall we? The faster we go, the faster we are out of here, and less chance someone can catch you reading this over your shoulder. Because the only thing worse than the creator of Bachelor conspiracy theories is a bandwagon-er. Which is, well, you. Ha.

LISTEN: Desperate for more less-than-legitimate Bachelor theories? Michelle Andrews and I have your back…

Elise won’t win The Bachelor. I think you might know that, a tiny bit, deep down, in your Laura-is-going-to-win gut that was born in early August, and soon after the life drawing date of dreams.

Many-a-News-Corp headline have Elise as the new “frontrunner” and Sportsbet has seen her odds come in significantly from about $6 to $3.50 – making her the second favourite – in the last week or so. Yes, there are humans that bet on The Bachelor. Yes, I feel better about myself.

But what all of these frivolous Bachelor fans have in common is an inability to look at history. History tells us the winner of The Bachelor is almost always one of the first (note: not the first) woman or man to get out of the limo in the very first episode. They also are always the recipient of lengthy airtime, with their full meet-and-greet put to air.

Elise’s meet-and-greet was part of the montage. The montage. All we saw was a “Hi, I’m Elise” and then she was on her way.

The montage-Bachelorettes never win.

Never.

It’s just fact or science or whatever. The winner is set up, from the earliest possible moment, with enough air time for them to be a front runner, but not too much for them to be too obvious a favourite.

And, well, that’s all I have.

You can laugh, but check back in here in a few weeks and I’ll be having the last laugh.

(I hope. Desperately.)