'I started earning double my husband's salary. Then the comments started.'

When Sarah* got the call that she'd been chosen for a big promotion, she couldn't wait to call her husband, Tim*. 

It was everything she wanted. And everything she thought they had been working towards together.

"I was so excited to share the news that would change our money situation forever," she said. 

"What I didn't expect was the silence on the other end of the phone."

Try as he did to hide it, something was off about Tim's reaction.

"That's great, honey," he told Sarah, but she detected something in his voice before he made the comment, "I guess one of us is moving up in the world."

"That comment should have been my first warning sign," Sarah said. "But I was too happy to notice the anger creeping in."

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Six months after her promotion, Sarah was making almost double Tim's income. The difference had never been an issue for Sarah, who considered them to be a team.

But soon, Tim began counting every dollar.

"'I can't afford to split dinner fifty-fifty anymore,' he'd say when we went out. I'd never asked him to pay half," she said. 

He'd call her the breadwinner, but there was always a negative undertone. 

"I started suggesting we split expenses based on how much we each made. But that seemed to make things worse. Time would make mean comments like, 'Oh, I forgot I'm the charity case now' or 'Don't worry about me, I'm just the poor husband.'"

For Sarah, the worst part wasn't the money, it was watching the man she loved slowly disappear. 

Tim had always been confident, funny and Sarah's biggest supporter. But as her career took off, she watched him become smaller. 

"He stopped talking about his work. He stopped sharing his wins. He started making excuses to skip parties, referring to himself as my 'sidekick'. 

"I tried to tell him that his work mattered. That I was proud of him. But my words felt empty when I could see how much he was hurting."

The breaking point came at a dinner party hosted by Sarah's coworker. The pair were discussing one of her new projects when Tim cut her off.

Things came to a head at a dinner party. Image: Getty.

"Must be nice to have all that power," he said, loud enough for everyone to hear.

"The whole table went quiet. My face got hot with embarrassment — not because of what he said about my job, but because I could see how much pain he was in.

"That night, we had our worst fight ever. Tim said I was 'emasculating' him and making him feel worthless. I said he was punishing me for my success. We both said things we couldn't take back."

When resentment morphs into coercive control.

According to relationship counsellor, Susan De Campo, it's not uncommon for men to feel unsettled when their partner earns more. 

"I've met a few blokes who are totally fine with it," she says. "Others feel threatened and resentful." 

That discomfort, she said, often stems from ingrained beliefs around masculinity and traditional roles. 

"If you've been raised to believe the man should be the primary breadwinner, any deviation from that can feel like a threat to your value system."

It's not uncommon for men to feel unsettled when their partner earns more.  Image: Getty.

While there's been "a minute shift" in how society views masculinity, De Campo said expectations around being the provider still influence many relationships. And when those expectations aren't met, emotional fallout can affect every part of the relationship — especially intimacy and communication. 

"When anyone in a relationship feels threatened, diminished, undervalued or 'less than', this can lead to resentment, fear and withdrawal."

This resentment may lead to relationship problems, but it can also quietly morph into coercive control, De Campo warned. 

"One of the things I've really noticed is how long people 'suspect' or 'wonder' if behaviour is controlling or coercive before they flag it with anyone," she said. 

Red flags in this context include snide comments, dismissiveness around work success, or subtle efforts to undermine or sabotage a woman's job.

For women sensing tension or unease, De Campo suggested adopting "respectful curiosity" to gently raise the topic. Rather than accusing a partner of jealousy, she recommends softer language like: "I'm wondering if it's a bit weird for you that my income is more than yours?"

It lowers the defensiveness, she said, and allows for a more honest conversation.

This type of resentment can also lead to a form of reverse financial abuse, she warned, where a man relies on his partner's income but refuses to contribute either financially or domestically. 

"It's awful when this happens, and the resentful male kind of gives up."

Ultimately, De Campo said the healthiest couples are those who can talk openly and with emotional maturity. And for men struggling with shame or identity loss around income, she focuses therapy on self-worth, not salary. 

"If you know you are a decent, kind, supportive, loving person, the issue of who's earning what disappears."

Don't apologise for your success.

For Sarah, it took couples therapy and a lot of difficult conversations to move forward. 

"Our therapist helped us understand that Tim's anger wasn't really about money. It was about feeling like he'd lost his identity as a provider and protector.

"We had to figure out what partnership meant in our marriage all over again. Tim started taking on more responsibilities at home. He hated it at first but eventually found it fulfilling. I learned to ask for his input on money decisions, not because I had to, but because I wanted him to feel like an equal partner."

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Two years later, the couple are still figuring it out. 

"We've both learned that love isn't threatened by success, but pride can be," Sarah said. 

"I still make more than Tim, and I probably always will. But we've learned that a relationship isn't about who brings home the bigger pay cheque. It's about supporting each other's dreams and finding ways to make both people feel valued.

"Some days are harder than others. When I catch myself hesitating to tell him about a raise, I know I'm still walking on eggshells sometimes."

If you're earning more than your partner and feeling tension, Sarah wants you to know that you're not alone — and that it's okay to be successful. 

"Be patient with your partner's adjustment, but don't apologise for your achievements," she said.

"Find ways to make them feel valued that don't require you to dim your own light. And remember that if someone truly loves you, they'll learn to celebrate your success, even if it takes time."

Feature image: Getty.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.