A complete guide on how to not lose your s**t at family gatherings.

Family gatherings and holiday celebrations are supposed to feel warm, familiar, and joyful — but for many, they can feel like an exercise in "bracing yourself" rather than a picture of familial bliss.

Whether it's Christmas lunch, Easter dinner or a long weekend catch-up, these reunions have an uncanny habit of reopening old wounds, reviving decade-old arguments, and reminding you exactly why you moved out in the first place.

And the reality is, it's more common than you might think.

Research suggests that up to one in four Australians report serious strain or disconnection in their family relationships. This isn't just "family drama."

When you come from a dysfunctional family, gatherings can feel like walking into an emotional minefield.

Psychologist and author of Understanding Family Violence, Meredith Fuller OAM, said the anxiety she sees around holidays, especially Christmas, is far from unusual.

Family gatherings don't always go to plan…Image: Canva.

"Special events like Christmas can re-trigger the past, and people can feel very anxious about attending," she told Mamamia.

"When they actually turn up, if it isn't managed well, you can have fights, you can have dramas, the whole day can end up in chaos. It's a very significant issue."

So how do you survive a family gathering where dysfunction is the main course? How do you get through the day without spiralling, snapping, or transforming back into your 12-year-old self who used to storm off and slam the bedroom door?

Here's your practical playbook; grounded in psychology, packed with survival tactics, and designed to help you leave feeling empowered rather than emotionally steamrolled.

Listen: Two estranged sisters, Carla and Gwen, navigate a broken sisterhood. Post continues below.

What makes a family "dysfunctional?"

The word can be thrown around a lot, but Fuller says "dysfunctional" is not a competition for who has the most dramatic backstory.

A dysfunctional dynamic can be as overt as past violence, addiction or mental illness, or, as subtle as that persistent feeling that you're not accepted.

"That person may become the scapegoat. They may be the one that is told they're the problem, they're responsible for everything, they're not liked, they've ruined the family," Fuller said,

"There's that sort of labelling that happens to one of them."

The result?

Gatherings can wind up feeling like an episode of Game of Thrones; rich with alliances and exclusion.

"There'll be little clusters, siblings who get on, but they reject another one, or mum and dad have favourites," Fuller continued.

At the heart of it all is perception; how loved, seen and safe we felt growing up. Those childhood wounds don't disappear.

"Every time you get to Christmas, it's played out again; who gets the favourite seat, who gets the better present," Fuller said.

If being around your family leaves you anxious beforehand, guarded during, and exhausted afterwards, Fuller said that's enough to qualify.

"Dysfunction is really if you feel the lead-up and the day itself causes you distress, and when you leave, you have to recover," she said.

So, how do you prepare?

This first strategy may feel radical, but Fuller insists it's a legitimate: ask whether you really need to go.

"Sometimes we think we have to go," she said. "You don't have to go."

If not attending would protect your wellbeing, it's an option. So is establishing compromises, like attending every second gathering.

If you do go, control what you can:

• Pick a shorter event (Christmas Eve dinner instead of an all-day lunch).

• Set clear arrival and departure times.

• Plan your exit before the first argument flares.

In dysfunctional families, Fuller says, "you can hang on to being pleasant maybe for about two, two and a half hours — after that it's torture."

If you decide to attend, there are seven tips that can help protect your peace.

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Tip #1: Establish ground rules.

Fuller says simple, structured boundaries can create fairness and limit potential triggers.

These can be as simple as introducing:

• Kris Kringle to avoid present comparisons.

• Place cards so no one argues about seating or status.

• Shared tasks so one person isn't left "feeling put upon."

• Time limits so no one is trapped indefinitely.

These small steps protect everyone, including you.

Tip #2: Recognise the real source of conflict.

If a passive-aggressive comment sets you off, it's rarely about the topic.

According to Fuller, when you boil down family conflict, "It's so much to do with: I wasn't loved, I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen for who I am."

Understanding this doesn't excuse bad behaviour, but it can stop you from personalising it in the moment.

Tip #3: Listen to your body.

When the tension rises, your body will know first and tell you before your brain registers you're about to lose it.

"If you start to feel those sensations, it's very OK to leave the room," Fuller said.

Even a quick, "Just going to the bathroom," or "Need to take this call" can give you a critical reset.

Once you're out of the fray:

Breathe. Deeply.

"When we're triggered, we breathe shallow. That makes us feel more anxious," Fuller said.

Now, if excusing yourself isn't possible, you can also delay the confrontation with simple holding phrases, such as:

• "Good question — let me think for a moment."

• "I'll come back to that."

• "Let me eat a bit more first."

These can buy you time for space and control.

"They delay the actual confrontation in real time, so you're not feeling you're on your back foot," Fuller said.

Tip #4: Of pre-prepared phrases — have a few.

Having some pre-scripted lines can help deflect tricky personal questions that are sure to make an appearance.

You know, the fun classics such as: Why don't you have kids? When are you getting married? Why aren't you working yet? Why are you single?

Here are some of Fuller's favourites:

• Friendly humour: "Aren't you funny — I knew it would only take five minutes before you asked that."

• Boundaries with warmth: "I appreciate you asking, I'm just not ready to answer that."

• Redirection: "Let's chat about that another time — we're having fun today."

Or, if you want to draw a clear line in the sand, you can even go on the offensive:

• "I know you're dying to ask why we haven't had kids yet — well, I'm not answering that today!"

Tip #5: Have a secret signal with your allies.

If you're attending with a partner, sibling or friend, create a subtle cue — a knee tap, a glance, a phrase — that signals "brace yourself" or "time to go."

"Have a little code," Fuller said. "We both know something's coming, get ready."

Tip #6: How to not spiral after the event.

The post-event comedown can be brutal. You replay every comment, every moment you froze, everything you should have said.

To break the spiral:

• Leave early if you're distressed.

• Move your body: "Go for a run, a walk, play with the dog — movement helps."

• Vent safely: "Get in the car and yell. Tell them what you really think. It gets it up and out."

• Debrief with someone who loves you, someone who will listen without minimising it.

And Fuller's favourite?

• Plan something joyful afterwards. "Catch up with people who love you."

Tip #7: Dealing with those tricky covert manipulators.

We all know the type. Those who like to stir tension behind your back, while smiling sweetly to your face. Or, those who back-hand compliment you when nobody is looking, and then scold you for being "emotional" when you reach your limit.

There's a way to tackle them. You need to stay calm and collected, and yes, that's easy to say in theory — in sitchu that may be trickier, but there are techniques you can employ to get there.

Adopt a "low and slow" tone — steady, composed — and disarm with empathy using phrases such as:

"I can see why you'd suspect that. My experience is a bit different… here's what actually happened."

Or

"Isn't that interesting? We see it a little differently and that's OK."

It shuts down the drama without escalating it.

The takeaways.

If you're dreading an upcoming gathering, or the holiday seasons, Fuller has one final message.

"Sometimes the best thing you can do is say, 'They might be my biological family, but they're not my spiritual family,'" she says.

And if you do go, go fortified:

• With boundaries

• With scripts

• With an exit plan

And with the knowledge that you don't have to fix your family — you only have to protect yourself.

Feature image: Century Fox TV.