'I gave my husband my Apple ID. It left me fearing for my life.'

When Molly* gave her husband of five-years her Apple ID to download an app, she thought nothing of it.  

It seemed like an innocent request. Her husband was much savvier with technology than she was, so it made sense for him to download it.

She didn't know it at the time, but she now suspects that's the moment he gained access to most of her technology. She didn't know it, but that simple act would leave her fearing for her life. 

Five years later, when Molly tried to leave him good, she says her estranged husband would use this access to stalk and intimate her. 

"Looking back at that, halfway through the relationship, that's probably when he wanted to plant himself in there," she told Mamamia, adding that his behaviour had started to change. 

Molly's husband was embedded in her technology. Image: Getty.

Molly's husband was never physically abusive, but he did demonstrate coercive, controlling behaviour — and this behaviour was ramping up as the relationship deteriorated. 

"The beginning of the relationship was super sweet, but as time went on it became worse, and worse, and worse," she said.

"He would verbally and emotionally abuse me, make threats. There was isolation and manipulation, reckless driving — he gave me fake polygraph tests. 

"The manipulation during the relationship got really, really bad. That spurred me to leave."

Molly attempted to leave her relationship twice; once at the end of 2022, and again at the beginning of 2024.  

Each time, his behaviour would escalate.

He seemed to know everything that she would message her friends on Facebook Messenger. He would respond to and discuss topics that were only raised in her private emails to others, which she found strange.

She suspects he was somehow tracking her electronic car.  

When her husband appeared at an appointment nobody knew she had, and followed her to her car, that's when Molly realised there was a far more "insidious" form of abuse going on — he was completely embedded in her technology.

"It went from being a little bit weird and psychopathic, to all of a sudden feeling like I didn't know where he was going to stop. I felt endangered for my life," Molly said. 

"He was using multiple technologies to track me to abuse me, upset me, threaten me, find me, harass me."

'It does happen. It is real. It is wrong'.

The day Molly's husband turned up at her appointment was the day she reached out to police.

"I hopped in my car and drove to the station. I had six different events with him that day and I didn't feel safe," she said.

Police pointed her to the courts system and urged her to obtain a Family Violence Restraining Order (FVRO).

"I applied the next day," she said. "It took about a week or so to get a place in court to apply and I was awarded one for five years as the three examples I gave in the form were quite concerning to the magistrate."

It took Molly a few months to fully find and remove her husband from her Apple ID. She also had to remove her Apple ID that was linked to one of his computers. Molly had no knowledge he had done this and had not given her authority for him to do so.

Molly wants everyone to know about the risks of tech abuse.

"I have my Apple ID checked every month or so now, and I also have my cars checked for tracking devices every month or so," she said.

"Be guarded with your important information because when they're in your tech they could have access to anything.

"Sadly, I think tech abuse is only going to increase.

"When you are about to leave a controlling or abusive person or you have just left, please consider working with someone to get help in checking all your devices and tech items to try to check for any issues.

"It does happen. It is real. It is wrong."

'Key warning signs' of technology-facilitated abuse

New research from the eSafety Commissioner has revealed almost a quarter, 23 per cent, of Australians think it's reasonable to expect to have a partner's device codes. 

Around 14 per cent think it's reasonable to expect to track a partner using location-sharing apps.

Ashton Wood, Founder of DV Safe Phone, said these statistics show there's a lack of understanding of technology-facilitated coercive control, and patterns of abusive and controlling behaviours generally.

"Technology-facilitated abuse is a method which perpetrators use to amplify their coercive control tactics and abusive patterns," he told Mamamia. 

Unfortunately, it can be difficult for victims to identify when they are experiencing technology-facilitated abuse, as there remains a lack of understanding about what it looks like, or what to look out for.

"Insistence on having access to your accounts or knowing your passwords, monitoring your device without your consent, or pressuring you to share personal content such as chats and pictures are all key warning signs, and can indicate there may be more controlling behaviours occurring, such as location tracking and stalking."

Partners should tread carefully, and should they suspect this behaviour, as Wood explained, ignoring requests, 'switching off' the technology, or blocking abusers' access entirely can escalate the situation, leading to further abuse.

"While strong passwords and two-factor authentication can be good safeguards to protect personal devices and accounts, these can be difficult to maintain if there is pressure to share them with perpetrators," he said. 

"The most important thing to do to protect yourself is trust your instincts and reach out for help if you feel unsafe."

*Names have been changed to protect identity. 

DV Safe Phone urges Australians to "Answer the Call" in support of DV victims, by donating a phone or funds. With a network of almost 1,100 phone drop partners across the country, the not-for-profit has made it easy for Australians to find a place to donate their phone.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) — the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here.

Feature image: Getty