DIVORCE DIARIES: 'I'm scared to divorce my narcissist husband.'

Welcome to Mamamia's new column, Divorce Diaries, where Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers questions around love, loss and relationship breakdowns. If you have an issue you'd like advice on, email us at submissions@mamamia.com.au — you can be anonymous of course.

Question:

My husband is a narcissist. I didn't know it at first and I've spent years denying it. But as I've learned more and more about narcissists, and been in therapy to cope with my unhappy marriage, it's clear he is 100 per cent a narcissist. I want to divorce him and have our two young children live with me. But I'm afraid - he's always told me there will be "hell to pay" if I try to divorce. How do I divorce my ex when his personality is so controlling and manipulative? Do I need a lawyer before I leave? What do I need to prepare for?

Answer:

Ending a marriage is never easy, but divorcing a narcissist presents unique challenges. If you're a woman preparing to leave a narcissistic partner, you'll need to keep your wits about you and arm yourself with knowledge, support, and strategic planning.

Because narcissists are a specific personality type (narcissistic personality disorder) and tend to approach divorce with their own manipulative and cruel tactics, be certain you're dealing with narcissistic behaviour so you can prepare yourself. 

Common signs of dealing with a narcissist include:

• Constant need for admiration
• Lack of empathy
• Manipulative tactics
• Gaslighting
• Blame-shifting
• Extreme mood swings
• Inability to accept criticism

If these traits sound familiar, steel yourself for a potentially high-conflict divorce, that can drag out. Narcissists excel at post-separation abuse and exasperating everyone involved including courts.

Always prioritise your safety. Your physical and emotional wellbeing must come first. Narcissists often use coercive control tactics so before heading into negotiating a split.

Watch: Coercive control is a deliberate pattern of abuse. Post continues after video.

Consult a domestic violence service for guidance on safely exiting the relationship for you and your children. Have an emergency plan in place, including a safe place to stay if needed because as you start to go through splitting, staying under the one roof may lead to his unpredictable behaviour, designed to intimidate you, or coax you back, or harm you. Always consider safety first for you and your children.

Your next fundamental step is to gather evidence and documentation. Do not skip this step. Documentation will be your winning ticket to freedom and hope for justice. 

Narcissists often try to manipulate reality. Start documenting everything. I cannot overemphasise this enough! Document, document, document!

• Keep a journal of incidents and conversations
• Save texts, emails, and voicemails
• Get copies of all financial records
• Absolutely document any abuse or threats; screenshot all texts especially if they are threats or lies 
• Keep records of child-related issues and communication especially if they include threats, abuse, refusal to co-parent and criticism of you as a parent.

If you can, discuss with a domestic violence service the option of uploading all your documents and evidence, including audio or video recordings and screenshots, to an encrypted safe platform in the cloud. Coercive controllers, and narcissists will delete and manipulate any piece of evidence you have against them so you must be careful to protect both the evidence and yourself: if they see you are documenting they can become enraged or unhinged. Preparing to leave is often the most dangerous time for a woman leaving a narcissist or abuser.

The evidence and documents you collect will be invaluable for your lawyer and potentially in court and for police. You don't want to get into a "he said she said" with a narcissist because they will lie and deceive, even in court. Have your points and perspectives backed up with evidence they can't dispute.

This is an exhausting process, and narcissists can win simply by draining you and outlasting you. You'll need emotional reinforcements. Confide in trusted friends and family. Consider joining a support group for people leaving narcissistic relationships. There are quite a few online and social media. Be careful what you share or post in writing though. A therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse can provide invaluable guidance. Particularly seek out someone with expertise in narcissistic personality.

Likewise, choose your allies carefully. Won't try to divorce a narcissist alone, if you possibly can. Narcissists will pounce on any weakness they think you have. Get a good team together, if at all possible:

• A divorce lawyer familiar with high-conflict cases and narcissistic personality traits. If you can't, read books on How To Divorce a Narcissist and try to at least get one consultation with an expert lawyer even if you don't retain them.
• A therapist to help you process emotions and build resilience.
• A financial advisor to protect your assets and investigate the likely lies your ex will make about their assets and your joint assets. 
• With children involved, a child psychologist may be necessary to protect their safety and best interests. A narcissist will use children as pawns to get at you. A counsellor will advocate for the children directly. 

Now here's another really important rule, particularly for splitting with a narcissist. Once you've decided to divorce, minimise direct contact with your ex partner. Even if you have kids together. Bare minimum communication, only as necessary for critical split issues and essential children's needs. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions, so practice the "grey rock" method – be as boring and non-reactive as possible. Don't be the shiny rock in the riverbed that glitters in the sun and tempts being picked up and engaged with. Be the grey rock that doesn't stand out, that doesn't give a narcissist anything to respond to, react to, hook you into engaging and being manipulated. Give them nothing to work with!

Communicate only about essential matters, and preferably in writing. And keep it all safely backed up and documented.

Prepare for pushback. Some would even say prepare for war. If you split from a narcissist and want what you feel is just and right, there will be conflict.

What narcissists do to get back at you:

Narcissists don't let go easily. Expect your ex partner to cycle through various tactics:

• Love bombing to win you back - do not fall for it! It’s a ploy and will not last. 
• Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation - start looking very analytically at everything they say to you. Ask yourself, what is their agenda/aim/in it for them?
• Rage and intimidation - document this! 
• Smear campaigns to damage your reputation - you might be shocked at the depths they will go to. They will want to isolate you any way they can. Prepare yourself and your supporters. 
• Using children as pawns: be careful to identify this especially if you are heading to court. Also make sure the children are cared for with their mental health as this is confusing and traumatic for them. 
• Dragging out legal proceedings - as part of their post separation abuse, narcissists will pull every delay tactic to wear you down: be ready for this. Gather your resolve and keep your goals in the forefront of your mind. Don’t engage in their mind games.

Money: protect what is yours too! 

Narcissists often try to exert financial control. Take steps to safeguard your assets, preferably before you leave. 

• Open individual bank accounts and credit cards and at a different bank from theirs. 
• Monitor joint accounts closely and keep records. 
• Gather all financial documents 
• Consider freezing joint credit accounts
• Consult a financial advisor about protecting your assets, whatever they may be. And get advice about what’s joint: never take their word for it. They will lie, hide and keep whatever they can for themselves. 

If possible, set aside an emergency fund before announcing your intentions to divorce. It's joint and you can. Start thinking strategically for survival - because they sure will.

You need good, consistent self care to see you through. 

Divorcing a narcissist is emotionally draining. Prioritise your mental and physical health:

• Maintain a routine
• Exercise regularly
• Practice stress-reduction techniques like meditation or yoga
• Eat well and get enough sleep which can be hard when you have a roller coaster of emotions and stressors
• Engage in activities that bring you joy
• Spend time with supportive people.

When things get tough, take a moment out of the horror of the now and visualise the life you're working towards. Set goals for your post-divorce/split life and take small steps towards them. This can help you stay motivated during difficult moments. Sometimes it won't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is. It's there. Even when you can't see it, it's there. Keep moving forward, keep disengaging from your ex and maintain engagement with the divorce process and negotiations, especially if it's a long court ordeal.

Which often happens: narcissists often drag out divorces and court processes to maintain control. Accept that this may take longer than you'd like. Stay patient and trust the process and those on your team. Each day brings you closer to freedom.

Listen to The Quicky to learn how to help women who are locked inside with their abusers. Post conitnues atfer audio.

Acknowledge every step forward, no matter how small. Successfully enforcing a boundary, staying calm during a difficult interaction, or making progress in therapy are all wins worth celebrating. You're doing a very difficult thing: divorcing a narcissist is a uniquely challenging horror show but it will end eventually and you need to acknowledge and appreciate every triumph, every time you break a pattern, every step forward out of their control. 

Years of narcissistic abuse can erode your self-esteem. Remind yourself daily of your strengths and value. You deserve respect, kindness, and love.

Not going to sugarcoat it, because you must be prepared. Divorcing a narcissist is hard, but you're stronger than you know. You can do it, don't be afraid. You're worth your freedom and happiness. With preparation, support, and determination, you can navigate this difficult journey and emerge into a brighter, healthier future. Trust yourself, stay focused on your goals, and don't be afraid to lean on others when you need help. Your new life is waiting – take that first brave step towards claiming it.

Are you or someone you know is in this similar situation? Read these articles on how you can cope and help:

• 'I desperately want to be there for her.' How to help a friend experiencing domestic violence.
• 'Men, if you're not part of the domestic violence solution, you're part of the problem.'
• How to have a conversation with someone who is experiencing domestic violence.

For more help, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. 

Feature image: Getty.