'I was sure our marriage was over. This pulled us back from the brink.'

When Karen* and Tobias* made the decision to separate after nine years of marriage, neither one of them believed there was any hope of reconciliation. 

"I was sad, but the most prominent feeling was relief," Karen said. 

"I kept saying to everyone that I wish I'd left two years earlier, then I'd be so much further along on the healing journey."

Watch: Is liking someone's thirst traps grounds for divorce? Post continues below.

Tobias, she says, took it a lot harder — it hadn't been his choice. 

"We hadn't been happy for three years, but it's true when you hear that it still always comes out of the blue for the man," Karen reflected. 

The reasons were as personal and as universal as they always are: kids, lockdown, a mortgage, unresolved childhood issues and the relentlessness of their season of marriage had driven a wedge between the couple that neither one could see over. 

"I just kept thinking: 'if I end things now, we might get out of this without hating each other. We might be able to be those co-parents who really are still a family,'" said Karen. 

"I was terrified of things turning mean or angry between us."

So, in 2023, the pair split and Tobias moved into a nearby rental. 

"I've always been the more 'Eat, Pray, Love' one in the relationship," Karen laughed. "I had a bookshelf full of self-help books and I was desperate to 'do the work' on myself and not wallow."

Karen began seeing a therapist, as well as throwing herself into fitness. 

But it was Tobias' reaction that surprised her.

"This was a man who used to look physically uncomfortable whenever someone talked about their feelings," she said, "but one day, about two months into the separation, he tells me he'd started seeing a therapist. A few months after that, he sent me a book he's been reading about 'healing his inner child'. I was like,' Who is this person?'"

As Karen and Tobias approached the first anniversary of their separation, she says she was quietly congratulating herself on having made such a smooth transition. 

"I was so smug," she said, "I kept telling all my girlfriends: 'see, this is how you do separation right.' I was pretty sure I'd nailed it."

"Then it all fell apart," she continued. 

"It was a year since we'd split, and suddenly this wall of grief hit me. I cried so hard I felt like I was going to throw up. Then I just felt this extreme rage towards Tobias. It was like I was experiencing every stage of grief in a 12-hour period."

At her next therapy appointment, Karen says her psychologist was unsurprised. 

"She told me, 'I've been waiting for this,'" Karen recalled, "and I was just floored. She suggested that perhaps I'd been trying so hard to have the 'perfect' separation that I hadn't let myself check in with my body about how I actually felt."

Over the next few months, Karen says her 'real healing' began. And another surprising thing: Tobias started showing up for her in ways he hadn't for years.

"It was hard to put a finger on it at the time, but looking back, I think all of his therapy had started to pay off, which made him this really solid landing for the wild emotions I was having," she said. 

"Without realising, we were having much more in-depth conversations — some for the first time ever."

Over the course of the next six months, Karen and Tobias committed to attending couple's therapy together — as well as continuing their own individual journeys. 

Clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet from Sydney' Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy says this combination has often proven deeply effective for separated couples. 

"This allows couples to develop skills in healthy repair, conflict management, emotional regulation, parenting, and understanding family systems," she said. 

"Importantly, these decisions impact more than just the couple — they affect the entire family and [possible] reunification with that awareness can make all the difference."

"There wasn't really one moment when we decided to give things another go," said Karen, "which sounds weird. But eventually it just became clear to both of us that we were working towards getting back together, rather than moving towards a healthy split."

At the beginning of last year, Tobias moved back in. 12 months — and an interstate move later — the couple are deeply committed and "happier than they've been in a long time."

Sweet says that — knowingly or not — hat Karen and Tobias did was one of the most powerful decisions a couple on the brink can make.

"I have worked with several individuals who separated and later reunited with far greater emotional intelligence, trust, gratitude, self-respect, humility, and self-awareness," she said.

"When genuine therapeutic work occurs during a time of separation, the relationship that re-emerges is often more grounded, resilient, and emotionally mature. When individuals commit to introspection and meaningful behavioural change, the relationship can organically reform on healthier foundations rather than repeating old patterns." 

She says a key consideration is that the separation needs to be "relationally safe" for both people. 

"Where children are involved, this means they are not only prioritised yet fully considered at every stage, with caregivers remaining aligned and united in how reconciliation is approached for the family system as a whole."

Karen says she believes their commitment to individual growth – outside any kind of timeline pressure – was key to the successful reunion.

"I think, in the past, I'd issued ultimatums to Tobias, 'You must work on your own issues or else.' When we both assumed the marriage was over and instead were committed to working on ourselves purely to feel better and heal, it took the pressure off."

She also says her "emotional literacy" masked some deeper issues that she had to work on in her own life.

"I was constantly sure that I knew everything that Tobias needed to do to work on his own issues, while I was this healthy, well-adjusted person," she said.

"What I didn't realise was that my superiority and focus on his mental health was actually just hiding what I needed to work on. It was humbling and, ultimately, life-changing."

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Feature image: Getty (Stock image for illustrative purposes).