DIVORCE DIARIES: 'I printed out the evidence and left him a note saying "I want a divorce."'

Welcome to Mamamia's Divorce Diaries. A space where stories of separation, grief, growth and resilience are shared in candid detail – painting a very honest picture of divorce in its day-to-day state. 

This week we hear from Chloe*, a woman in her 50s who separated from her husband after a string of infidelities on his part. Here's how her story unfolded.

First, let's rewind: How did you and your spouse first meet? What was your first date? How were the early days of dating?

We met at work and managed to fall in love. Our first date was in the mid-'90s and by 1998, we were married. He was quite attentive back then, but still not overly affectionate. 

Looking back on it, I don't think it was ever really 'perfect'.

What were your expectations of marriage? 

We were quite 'go with the flow' with the whole marriage thing. 

I had my parent's marriage to look up to which was happy and constant, whereas his parents had quite a rough divorce, and had found new respective partners – one of which resulted in domestic violence. So I don't think marriage to him was viewed in a cookie-cutter-perfect way like it had been for me. I don't think monogamy was for him either – a different expectation compared to my own.

What was the proposal like? And how did you feel immediately after it?

We were on holiday, and he simply said 'do you want to get married?' Not very romantic, but I said yes and I was really happy. 

A few weeks later we picked out rings together. It was nice and exciting. Our families were excited too, except his mother was never really too keen on me.

And how was the wedding? Did it go as planned? Do you have any regrets about the big day?

The wedding was nice. I have fond memories of it, and my daughter now has the wedding album in her possession and I know it means a lot to her. 

I found my dress at Vinnies, which was a score. We got married interstate at a golf club. My sister couldn't attend as she was living overseas, so I just had one bridesmaid. My ex-husband's family all attended the event which was special considering he's from another country and so are all his family.

How long after getting married did you get divorced? 

We were married for 14 years, and got divorced in 2012. I was 44 years old and right in the middle of perimenopause – which was not ideal!

When did things take a turn for the worse?

Things were bad from the start. I knew deep down he was cheating on me two years into the marriage. I had a breakdown at that point. 

Then we resolved things, but still had an inkling that he wasn't faithful. He wasn't very warm or affectionate either – and that probably meant that I went overboard in the opposite way which didn't help things. It wasn't until 2012 that I finally had proof that he was cheating – via a dating website for married people. So as soon as I had the proof, I asked for a divorce.

At what point did you know you wanted to get a divorce? 

I wasn't keen on divorce at all, but I knew my worth and by the point of finding the dating website profile, I was too far gone. It was emotional cheating and physical cheating, and I had just had enough. I was heartbroken too. 

But the emotional toll didn't come until a few days after we had confirmed with one another that we were splitting. Then the tears, anxiety, depression and hopelessness came.

How did the first 'divorce conversation' with your partner go?

It was very uneventful. I printed out the dating profile evidence, and put it on the table with a note saying 'I want a divorce.' I went to bed, and later that night he came home, read it, and went straight to bed next to me. Like water off a duck's back for him. 

Anyway, the next day we spoke and confirmed neither of us were happy and needed to end the relationship. It was mutual, but I initiated it.

How was the divorce process? 

The divorce proceedings legally were fine. He acknowledged my worth in the household and primarily raising our daughter, so he left the house to me, and he took his super and split our savings. 

It was as amicable as it could be. But mentally, it was a burden. Like a death in a way. 

It took a year for the separation to turn into a confirmed divorce. Legal fees weren't bad either, from memory maybe a few thousand – my memory isn't brilliant though. But a few years after the divorce, it all hit me and I experienced a breakdown. I am all okay now though! Stronger perhaps.

Was anyone else affected by your separation? 

Our child. She was devastated. Lucy our daughter would have been around 11 or 12 which was s**t timing – hormones, turning into a teenager, about to start high school. It rocked her world. 

My ex-husband sat her down and told her the news – I made him tell her, rather than me having to do it. I figured he had done the wrong thing, so he should be the one to tell her that her parent's marriage was no more. 

Friendship-wise, it was quite simple – all the neighbours sided with me as I continued to live in the house, my original friends stayed with me and his original friends stayed with him. Our families were still enmeshed for quite some time though. I'm still very close with his aunty, and he is still very close with my former brother-in-law.

Do you talk to your ex-husband now? 

We don't talk. We had to communicate to some degree while our daughter was in high school, so mostly just about admin things. 

We recently attended our daughter's college graduation together, and we were on great terms and sat together. 

I guess time can heal wounds in a way, and make things easier. I would only ever text him about his family that I'm still in contact with if I wanted to see how they were going or to talk about family news.

How do you feel about your ex now?

I feel fine. I think I'm far better off, happier, and more at peace. And I'm sure he is happier too. Our personalities didn't match, and neither did our love languages. 

I still want the best for him. He has since remarried.

What is your life like now? 

My life now is very content. And that's something I didn't think I would ever have in those first few years following the divorce. 

My daughter and I are super close, and I have a fabulous dog now – my ex-husband doesn't like dogs so that's a win for me! I have good friends, a good job – life is good. I haven't had a partner since, I don't ever plan on having one, and I'm completely happy and satisfied on my own.

How do you feel about the label of 'divorced'?

I have no feelings of shame – the relationship gave me a great daughter. The divorce was hard and was a serious chapter of my life that was incredibly sad, but I don't have any bitterness associated with it now. And that's probably down to time passed.

What advice would you give someone about to go through a divorce?

Seek professional help. Find some good friends and rely on them. Try to let go of the resentment – it's probably warranted, but it won't serve you after a few years. And look after yourself.

200,000 Australians filed for divorce in the past two years alone, and we want to hear from those Aussies (and the ones that took the plunge well before that). The heartbroken, the angry, the satisfied and the never-been-happier divorcees who want to share their side of the story. The Mamamia Divorce Diaries is a space for candid sharing of those stories – whatever shape and size their tale comes in. If you're wanting to share your story, then please head here to do so. 

Feature Image: Mamamia

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