MIA: My tip for all women going into hospital to have a baby...

by MIA FREEDMAN

Thank heavens Dita Von Teese has launched a sexy lingerie line for new Mums. THANK HEAVENS. I may just have to get pregnant again so I can go back to those horny days after giving birth, when the only thing on your mind is how to look hot for your partner and sex sex sex.

Stitches, c-section scars and the two oversized rockmelons that have taken up residence on your chest are no barriers to your rampant lust. You just want to shoehorn all your wobbly, leaky, swollen bits into sexy black lace and get down to business on the nearest available surface.

ALL THE TIME.

My husband recalls those heady days of Passionate Post Birth Sexy with a faraway look in his eyes except he doesn’t because they never happened.

Remember when one of the midwives or your doctor says you should refrain from sex until after your six week checkup?

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA.

OK. Twisted my arm.

To be honest, one of the most practical pieces of advice I got from another mother before I went into hospital to give birth the first time was about underwear.

Not the Dita kind, however. This very wise mother instructed me to stock up on cheap men’s hipster undies. Large sizes. Dark colours.

“You will bleed more than you can imagine,” this friend advised me as my eyes widened. “And you’ll just want something big and comfy that sits low and has plenty of room for the giant surfboards you’ll be wearing in your undies for weeks.”

I nodded gravely.

“Weeks” she repeated.

As part of my pre-birth preparations, I followed her instructions, stocking up on a dozen pairs of Rio men’s hipster undies at the supermarket as I waddled around with my trolly.

It was excellent advice and I’ve followed it for the birth of each of my children and passed it on to all my friends to wide acclaim.

I loved those dark, baggy hipsters. I didn’t realise quite how much until my first child was a few months old and my husband mildly enquired one day, “Um babe, do you ever think you’ll wear normal undies again?”

I looked down.

Our son was out of his bassinet and into a cot. He’d begun eating solids. And I was still rotating those big ol’ men’s undies in fetching shades of navy, bottle green and burgundy.

I can’t say I leapt straight back into sexy undies at that point but that’s mostly because I’ve always been more of a Bonds girl than a black lacy one.

Sorry Dita.

I wish you well with your business plan to shoehorn new mothers into hot lacy lingerie. If that’s what they want to do.

You know, I did feel good getting back into my pre-pregnancy knickers, even if they weren’t of the overtly sexy Dita variety. It marked a kind of turning point where my bits resumed being mine again, after months of doctors and midwives prodding and poking around and tiny people emerging from them.

Until next time.

Take a look through more of the range here:

Be honest now – how would you rate your post-birth undies out of 10?