ISABELLE SILBERY: 'The conversation I need to have with my kids didn't even exist when I was growing up.'

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As a sexually mature woman and a mum-of-two in my forties, I've noticed (like with a lot of hot topics that affect our society) that our media focus on either the far right or far left extreme ends of the opinion spectrum. This is starting to annoy me, and I'm finding myself hungry for a middle ground. 

Where are common sense and curious conversations? Ones where the people actually raising our next generation of adults are sharing their experiences, fears, reservations and thoughts? A space where we, as parents, can bounce things off each other — maybe even disagree and learn stuff without being scared of 'saying the wrong thing'?

When I was asked to be a guest on The Man Cave's "Is This OK??" podcast to chat about affirmative consent, I immediately had to google the phrase. Sh**, how on earth do I talk about something I know nothing about? What if I say the wrong thing?

It's a new phrase that's entered the raising kids space, in both our education system and in government. It's a phrase that didn't exist in my day.

And I'm not alone in my lack of familiarity with what it means and why it's a thing. I questioned some mums at school, my girls' WhatsApp group and no one really knew much about it.

One thing is certain though: they all wanted to talk about it.

So that's exactly what we did. We covered everything.

'Have we gone too far with this?'

'Does that mean our kids have to ask:

'How do we even talk about this to our kids?'

Watch: Why Consent Education Isn't Enough. Post continues below. 

It made me reflect on my own upbringing. The term affirmative consent didn't exist, but the concept definitely did. I understood it perfectly.

Experimenting with its boundaries and making mistakes — but that's how I learned, not just about myself sexually, but also the complexities of connecting with another human in an intimate setting.

How did I know what consent was back in 1999? Well, to put it simply, it was a gut feeling. My parents always taught me to trust my gut. That connection to self was first and if I felt something was off, or it didn't feel right, to remove myself.

I would make mistakes, and I'd learn my lessons, but most of the time I trusted myself. This was paired with adopting a healthy level of self-worth and adding it to my tool belt. Not only did this set the foundations for my sexual exploration, but I believe it protected me from predators. 

My household was one where I would walk from the bathroom to the bedroom naked and brush my teeth while Mum showered. Bodies were normal. On Friday night, SBS foreign films were sat through as a family — including the sex scenes.

Having 'weird conversations' with Dad about losing my virginity and going on the pill wasn't actually that awkward because it led me to enjoy safe sex in the safety of my own home and with someone who respected and loved me.

Even though, at the time, it was icky and sooooo embarrassing to tell Dad I wanted to have sex, I can see now how it built trust within our relationship. As a parent now, I can see how challenging it must have been for him too. But I'm grateful that he did.

I mean, my parents didn't know that I would go on to do extremely promiscuous things as I matured into my late teens and early adulthood, but they had done the groundwork — and probably just hoped for the best, knowing that I trusted myself with a good inner compass.

But now, as a wife, I wonder why the thought of having a conversation about my sexual needs with my husband made me want to crawl into a hole and die!?

I mean, are other couples having these awkward conversations and if we can't even do that, how are we supposed to have them with our own kids?

I don't claim to have all the answers and parenting is f***ing hard work, but this is what I do know:

• Respectful relationships start at home. Role model them.

• Clean up your mess when you've f***ed up. Meaning take responsibility for 'losing it' — this is one I'm still working on lol.

• Encourage our kids to trust their gut. Put words to their feelings and never instill shame.

• Understand that their experience is their experience — it might not be ours, but it's theirs and they need to know that we see them.

• Respect their boundaries when they communicate them.

I always try to remind myself when I'm at boiling point as a parent that, underneath the eye-rolling, frustrating behaviours and lack of emotional control, they are learning just as we are.

All kids want to be good humans. All kids want our love and approval. We just need to see them for who they are and meet them where they are. 

As a society, we can implement new terms and government legislation, but I believe the key to respectful relationships is all the groundwork we do along the way, which builds our kids, piece by piece, into emotionally intelligent, kind people.

Father and author Joel Hines and I explored all of this and more on The Man Cave's "Is This OK??"' podcast which is out Monday 29th September.

Our chat addressed this 'middle ground' that society so desperately craves and which I'm sure every parent will be able to relate to in some way. 

It takes a bloody village, I say!