The 5 questions to ask instead of making small talk.

Have you ever heard of a 'supercommunicator'? No, it's not related to the spread of viruses (the pandemic trauma is real).

Supercommunicators are people who seem like they can talk to just about anyone — they're gracious, chatty without taking over the conversation, and ask lots of questions (without sounding like they're interrogating you) that end up leading them to deep and meaningful conversations.

Basically, they're great at breaking out of small talk and actually connecting with people — a skill I'm sure anyone who has had to suffer through an icebreaker is very envious of.

It's also something introverts can struggle with when we already find it hard to talk to a stranger as it is.

The term supercommunicator was coined by Charles Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporter for The New York Times who wrote a book on how to unlock the secret language of communication.

Duhigg now has a podcast of the same name in which he gives practical advice on how to connect with others and tackle hard topics.

Recently on the Mamamia Outloud podcast, we discussed his life-changing advice — and how to balance it with realistic expectations.

After all, there's a time and place for asking someone what their relationship with their mother is like.

How to stop small talk and have deeper conversations.

If you're struggling to engage with someone, we can look to so-called "magical questions" — which have actually been studied and determined by psychologists to build intimacy.

They are the master questions to prompt people to share information about themselves.

Questions are a great way to keep a conversation interesting and engaging, but it's hard to know exactly what to say, especially if you feel like you're erring into boring small talk energy.

@mamamiaoutloud

Are you a supercommunicator? Do you find people divulge a lot about themselves to you very quickly? Do you instinctively know the right questions to ask? We discuss how to have better, deeper and more enriching conversations on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud. #supercommunicators #charlesduhigg #conversation #conversationstarters #podcast #podcastclips

♬ original sound - Mamamia Out Loud Podcast

So, 'magical questions' take you to more intimate territory. They tend to ask not what we're doing/thinking/feeling, but why, which leads to deeper and more interesting conversations.

On the pod, Jessie Stephens gave the example of speaking to a teacher on the podcast.

Asking what grade they teach, or at what school, would be perfectly acceptable. But it's small talk.

To push that conversation deeper, we could ask why they're a teacher — what drew them to the profession, why do they love it?

Try to move away from things like your favourite TV shows or what you do for work, and instead move towards "mutual progressive self-disclosure".

Some examples of questions you can ask someone are:

• What are you excited about right now?

• If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

• When's the last time you cried in front of another person?

• Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Obviously, some of these are a little too intense to ask someone you just met.

The idea is to build up to them progressively — build trust with easier questions first, share about yourself too so that you aren't just interrogating, and then eventually you'll get there.

Asking questions like this was actually a big topic of conversation way back in 2015, when a New York Times journalist published the bombshell essay "36 questions that lead to love."

In the story she tried psychologist Arthur Aron's series questions which are designed to foster closeness through mutual vulnerability… on a date. Things went so successfully that they're got married, and are still together to this day.

@mamamiaoutloud

Want someone to trust you? Here are 4 things you can do immediately. New research about “supercommunicators” has us working out what we can all do to improve how we connect with other people. Listen to Friday’s episode of Mamamia Out Loud for the full chat. #bodylanguage #supercommunicators #podcastclips

♬ original sound - Mamamia Out Loud Podcast

36 questions that lead to love.

The 36 questions that became famous after that essay are as follows:

Set I.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III.

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling …"

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Of course, a lot of these questions are tailored to partners, but it's totally possible to switch them up so you can ask them to a friend or acquaintance instead.

Non-verbal cues to avoid if you want to keep someone engaged in a conversation

It's a common saying that 90 per cent of our communication is non-verbal.

While this isn't entirely accurate, it's true that the majority of what we say is less reflected in our words than our actions.

Albert Mehrabian, a researcher of body language, broke down the components of a face-to-face communication, describing it as 55 per cent nonverbal, 38 per cent vocal, and seven per cent words only.

So, it's important to be aware of your body language when talking to someone.

While discussing on our Mamamia Outloud podcast, hosts Mia Freedman, Holly Wainwright, and Jessie Stephens all agreed that a confident posture (keep your earlobes away from your shoulders!) helps to reassure the person you're talking to.

Similarly, keeping your hands visible or on a table during a meeting helps you appear more readable and therefore trustworthy.

If you can mirror someone's expressions? Acknowledge comments with an eyebrow flash? Well, you will come across more engaged and interested.

It's all the subtle movements, it seems.

Feature image: Getty.