'An open letter to Deborra-Lee Furness from someone divorced after "betrayal".'

Dearest Deb, (I feel like I can call you Deb),

I wanted to reach out because I am a year further down the track than you. And as I'm already sure you've learned, time is our friend.

At first, it feels unbearable, like a wound that will never close. But over time, the raw edges begin to mend. And then eventually the wound becomes a scar.

Firstly, congratulations on filing for divorce. Not many would think to say that. Society tells us divorce is a 'failure,' but I see it as a second chance—a transition to a life more authentic than before.

In your powerful statement you shared with Nine and Daily Mail, you said: "My heart and compassion goes out to everyone who has traversed the traumatic journey of betrayal."

I am also in the secret club we never asked to join. The 'betrayal club.'

I vividly remember the initial shock, the pain, and the trauma.

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The uncertainty of the future. Feeling that things—and you—will never be okay again. 

I remember the advice someone gave me in that initial period: "Don't look for the light at the end of the tunnel, just keep an eye out for the glimmers while you're in it." And I learnt that they are everywhere. 

Then one day, you realise you're back in the light. And it's way brighter than before.

But you know that to be true already. I loved when you said, "It's a profound wound that cuts deep. However, I believe in a higher power and that God/the universe, whatever you relate to as your guidance, is always working FOR us." 

And I believe that too. I remember soon after I found out. I was so angry, so bitter. I was in a vengeful state. My best friend said to me, "What you went through was not normal, and after everything, people would understand if you were bitter and angry for the rest of your life. But resentment is like drinking poison yourself and hoping the other person gets sick."

"You didn't get a choice in what happened to you," she said.

"But you can choose how you respond to it. That is within your control, and nobody can take that away from you." 

I will never forget that advice. Because I realised I wanted to choose a different path, enjoy a different life. And three years later, I can honestly say that I do.

In my marriage, my husband's career came first. And now, it's our time to step out from behind that shadow. 

You also eventually see the things that were not right in the marriage. The things that didn't serve you, the things that are not your problem anymore. 

They are no longer your circus, and they are certainly not your monkey. Someone else can be in their shadow now.

You also come to realise that the things that leave you in this life are meant to.

I think you're already at this place too. When you said, "It can hurt, but in the long run, returning to yourself and living within your own integrity, values and boundaries is liberation and freedom," you were spot on. 

And I loved that you used the words liberation and freedom because it is exactly that. You get to have a whole new life that you could never have had before.

What surprised me most was how this pain opened me to new connections. Some of the most powerful relationships in my life are AD (After Divorce). 

There's something about having your heart broken so terribly that makes you more authentic, more vulnerable, and paradoxically, more available to genuine connection. I've found my tribe that sustains me in ways my marriage never could.

You also said, "We are drawn to people, we invite them in, in order to learn our lessons and to recognise and heal the broken parts of ourselves." And I can completely relate to that. 

I am not the same person I was BD (Before Divorce). I am better. Grief cracks us open, and when we rise up through it, we are changed, for the better.

I don't know if you're here yet. But the final step of 'betrayal club'? It is forgiveness. Now I won't pretend to know your exact circumstances. I can say that my ex-husband and my children still live with the woman he left me for.

And that is such a difficult thing to find peace with, and then to forgive it all. But I have. And it's vital, not for them, not just for the children, but for you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Because it helps your pain; they never had any.

I've heard it said that 'when you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future.' And most importantly, the love you deserve in the future begins with the love you give yourself. 

I loved your closing statement. You said "I remain grateful." Which tells me just how far you've come. You've maintained such grace and dignity. And we do, when kids are involved. But I can't wait to see the empire you build in this next chapter—it's your time now. 

Welcome to your renaissance.

All my love,

Your fellow friend from the betrayal club x

This author is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

Feature image: Getty.