'I was blindsided by my husband's affair. But what my daughter did hurt me even more.'

As told to Ann DeGrey.

I survived a very messy divorce, but I wasn't prepared for what came next. My ex-husband, Rob*, had an affair and left me for his girlfriend to start a new life.

I was blindsided and heartbroken, but the hardest part wasn't losing my marriage, it was seeing my daughter Louise* try to make sense of it.

She's my only child and while she was in her late teens when Rob left, she took our split very badly. But, instead of directing her anger at her father, she turned it towards me.

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She was sure that I must've done something to make him leave. I must have pushed him away by being difficult. I didn't ever confront her as I feared starting an argument would only push her further away from me and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

So I tried to be patient and told myself she was hurting and needed to lash out at someone.

What I didn't expect was the betrayal which, for me, came right out of the blue. My sister called one day and asked if I was "doing okay mentally." That stopped me in my tracks.

When I asked what she meant, she admitted that Louisa had been telling people I was mentally unstable since the divorce and that I was "not coping." For the extra punch, she apparently added that I was losing my mind and that was one of the many reasons her father left me. None of it was true.

Yes, I was grieving my marriage and I had some bad days. But I was working hard to rebuild my life. I got a new job, had a makeover of my wardrobe as well as some injectables in my face to try to look a bit younger. I also went to regular therapy and really believed working on myself could make me a better mother as well as a better future partner.

So it was incredibly painful to learn that while I was working to improve myself, my own daughter was painting me as someone unreliable and fragile, as if that explained why my ex-husband had left me.

Then I heard that Louise mocked me for "playing the victim." She told friends and family members that I was overly dramatic about the slightest thing, that I was incredibly anxious and that made her feel anxious too. She also made jokes about me needing therapy. A friend told me Louise had said that I "must have driven Dad away."

I didn't want to believe it at first. Surely, she wouldn't talk about me like that? Surely people were exaggerating. But the stories kept coming, from different people, all saying the same things. I felt sick with grief; this was my child. I'd devoted my life to her and I loved her so much.

For the first time, I wished she had a sibling who could reason with her and defend me. My sister and friends keep asking me why I don't confront her, but I don't want to risk losing her for good.

And I worry that if I confront her, I might not be able to control my emotions and the last thing I need is her to accuse me of being dramatic and behaving like a child. So I pretend that everything is fine. Louisa has already shown me how easily she can rewrite the story. If I challenge her, I know exactly what will happen.

I'll become the "crazy" mother who can't take criticism. If I come across as seeming to be unstable, that will only prove her point and I refuse to give her that ammunition. So I keep performing my role as the kind, supportive mother.

It really is easier said than done, and sometimes I feel like my acting skills are almost Oscar-worthy.

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When I see her, I smile and ask lots of questions about her work and her life. I manage to keep my tone light and my opinions very neutral. I never bring up what I know she's said about me, but it's absolutely exhausting. Every visit feels like treading on glass.

I often rehearse my words before I see her and I'm very careful not to cry in front of her. My sister tells me I deserve better and I know that I do. But motherhood doesn't come with any kind of user manual and many of us just follow our hearts. You don't just stop loving your child because they hurt you.

I don't know if she'll ever realise the damage she's done. I don't know if she'll grow up and one day see the truth about her father's bad behaviour and the way he broke my heart. I hope she does but, for now, I have to keep showing up for her, and keep smiling through the pain.

Feature image: Canva.