'"Monkey-barring" is the new toxic dating trend and I'm officially exhausted.'

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Dating is already a full-time job.

Between trying to decode someone's Hinge prompts ("6'3" because apparently that matters"), working out which apps are still relevant (am I meant to be on LinkedIn now?), and pretending I understand the "rules" that seem to change every three seconds — it's exhausting.

And just when you think you've nailed it, the internet goes ahead and invents another deranged little buzzword to describe the very normal experience of someone being — for lack of a better term — an absolute piece of sh*t.

Watch: The dating experience women keep having. Post continues below.

The latest? Monkey-barring.

No, not the playground equipment you fell off in Year 3. Monkey-barring is the toxic dating behaviour where someone simply refuses to be single — so they line up their next relationship before they've even finished the current one. Think Tarzan, but instead of vines, they swing between human hearts. Experts have called it "basically cheating" because it's less about love and more about playing a game of 'The Floor is Lava and Also Being Alone'.

Translation: if you've ever been dumped and found that your ex has a new partner tagged in their Instagram stories three days later? Congratulations, you've been monkey-barred.

And listen. If you, like me, are struggling to keep up with the endless new entries in the Dictionary of Disappointment, I've done the emotional labour of compiling a little guide.

Because honestly? It's not the dating apps killing me, it's the terminology.

A complete glossary of dating hell. You're welcome. 

Ghosting.

When someone vanishes into thin air mid-text, mid-flirt, mid-whatever. One minute you're discussing weekend plans, the next you're talking to the void. They're not dead, they just decided it was easier to disappear than type "I'm not interested."

Banksying.

Named after the street artist, it's when someone in a long-term relationship slowly removes themselves emotionally until there's nothing left but an outline. Unlike ghosting, they don't disappear overnight — they fade, quietly and strategically, until you're left staring at the wall and wondering when they left.

Submarining.

Basically ghosting with a jump-scare. They disappear without a trace, then resurface weeks or months later with a casual "hey stranger" like nothing happened. Ghosting is an ending; submarining is the encore you didn't ask for.

Breadcrumbing.

When someone gives you just enough attention to keep you hanging on — an Instagram story like here, a "hey" there, the occasional late-night "you up?" — but never enough to actually commit. It's not ghosting (they're technically still present), but it is emotional starvation dressed up as effort. You're forever following the crumbs, convinced they're leading somewhere, when in reality, you're just circling the forest with an empty stomach. It's exhausting, unsatisfying, and guaranteed to make you hate carbs.

Lovebombing.

They sweep in with OTT romance: texts, flowers, grand gestures, and declarations of forever — a rom-com montage, if you will. At first, it feels intoxicating, like you've finally stumbled into the great love story of your life. But the intensity isn't real, it's a tactic — and the moment you start believing it, the mask slips. The "bomb" part was foreshadowing, and when it detonates, you're left sifting through emotional rubble wondering if the whole thing was ever genuine. (Spoiler: it probably wasn't. Sorry.)

Gaslighting.

The OG toxic move. A classic. When someone manipulates you into questioning your own memory, feelings, or sanity, so they can stay in control. You walk away convinced you're the problem — when, in reality, you've just been auditioning for their psychological thriller without consent.

Cookie-jarring.

You're not their partner, you're their "just in case." Someone keeps you in the jar for emergencies, like a cheeky Tim Tam hidden at the back of the pantry. You're not the main meal, you're the backup snack they don't actually want anyone else to eat.

Backsliding.

That thing where you swear you'll never talk to your ex again, then suddenly you're back in their bed at 2am on a Wednesday. Whoops. It feels nostalgic, familiar, maybe even comforting — until you wake up and remember exactly why it ended. Regret always hits harder than the reunion.

Orbiting.

They don't talk to you, but they're always there. Liking your posts, watching every story, occasionally dropping an emoji like a space probe checking in. They're not in your life, but they're circling your atmosphere, and frankly, it's kind of creepy.

Slow fade.

It's ghosting, but with manners (barely). The texts get shorter, the enthusiasm dwindles, and eventually you're left trying to resuscitate a relationship that's already flatlined. It's like being politely walked out of someone's life in slow motion.

Groundhogging.

Dating the same type of person over and over again, even though it's failed every single time. You know it won't work, but you can't stop reliving the same romantic mistake on loop. Congratulations, you're Bill Murray, but somehow sadder.

Carouselling.

When you're not their only one — you're just part of their spin cycle. They keep you rotating in their orbit of casual flings, making you feel special until the ride comes back around. It's dizzying, disorienting, and you're definitely not the main attraction.

And that's just today's line-up. Tomorrow? Who knows? We'll probably be out here talking about "elevatoring" (someone who only shows up when you're at rock bottom) or "side-eyeing" (texting you only when they're bored at brunch).

The truth is, no matter how many new buzzwords the internet invents, the behaviour itself isn't new. It's just people being flaky, selfish, avoidant, or — let's be honest — emotionally underdeveloped. The branding changes, the disappointment stays the same.

Personally? I'm exhausted. If you need me, I'll be unsubscribing from toxic behaviour altogether and waiting for the day the trend is simply called "being a decent human."

Feature image: Getty.