The 4 stages of dating Tom Cruise.

Listen, our Hollywood radars are beeping off the charts with the latest A-list rumour.

Tom Cruise, 62, and Ana de Armas, 37, appear to be cinema's newest "are they or aren't they?" pair.

They've been spotted about town looking suspiciously couple-like — from helicopter rides (how very Tom Cruise of them) to David Beckham's 50th birthday bash, where Ana ducked down in their shared car to avoid the paparazzi as Tom flashed those famous pearly whites.

Listen to The Spill for more details on Tom Cruise's dating patterns. Article continues after post.

Now, before our Knives Out queen gets too deep into Cruise control, we've compiled a handy roadmap of what dating Tom Cruise historically entails, based entirely on the testimonials of those who've survived the experience.

Stage 1: The charm.

Image: Getty

If Nicole Kidman's hints about their early days are anything to go by, Ana can expect the full rom-com treatment. Tom doesn't just pull out all the stops… he rips them from the ground and fashions them into a throne for you.

There will be sweeping romantic gestures. There will be surprise trips. There will be an intensity that makes every other relationship feel like a lukewarm cup of tea. Tom will make you feel like you're the only person in the world who can possibly understand his unique brand of stardom.

It's intoxicating. It's overwhelming. It's Tom Cruise declaring his undying devotion while possibly hovering over you in a helicopter he's piloting himself. On brand, to say the least.

Stage 2: The ick.

As Heather Locklear once divulged, after the initial glow of attraction, there comes a moment when the ick starts creeping in.

For her, it was Tom's signature dance floor move — clearing the entire floor, performing an elaborate routine, and finishing with… the splits. Yes, you heard that correctly.

"You just kind of stand there and don't know what to do," she said in a 2013 interview on Chelsea Lately. "Do you dance around him? So, I was like, 'I'll just sit down and you can.'"

Image: Getty

I guess any woman who dates Tom Cruise will need to prepare themselves for moments where Tom needs to be the centre of attention so badly it feels like you're dating a supernova. You're not dating a man… you're dating an event.

Stage 3: The Bedroom pull-back.

But just when you might be ready to call it quits (it's hard to come back once you've got the ick) comes the saving grace that pulls you back in.

According to Cher herself, Tom ranks amongst her top lovers of all time.

Image: Getty

Cher doesn't mince words about such matters and is known for her brutal honesty. Not to mention, Cher has said she has had some of the "greatest lovers ever"… so, there's that. When she puts Tom Cruise in her bedroom hall of fame, we must acknowledge this achievement.

It's practically on his CV at this point.

Just when you're packing your bags, expect to be utterly charmed back into the relationship through means we're too dignified to detail.

Stage 4: The downfall.

Should any of Tom Cruise's partners make it to this stage, the warning sirens should be blaring.

We all remember the Oprah couch-jumping spectacle with Katie Holmes, but the truly unsettling moment that most of us didn't see came when Tom hunted Katie down backstage with a camera crew when she didn't want to appear on stage, eventually dragging her out for an awkward public kiss.

This is when the intense devotion morphs into something that feels less like romance and more like a hostage situation.

Image: Getty

Though Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's divorce was shrouded in secrecy, there were many rumours that raised some pretty serious red flags about his behaviour.

Allegedly, their custody agreement came with extraordinary strings attached, including Holmes not being allowed to publicly date anyone for years after her divorce and being barred from publicly discussing Scientology or her ex-husband as the apparent price for gaining full custody of her daughter Suri.

One thing's for sure — if things do get serious, maybe keep your lawyer on speed dial and your passport in an easily accessible location. Because if history has taught us anything, it's that the most daring escape scenes in Tom Cruise's life haven't been captured on camera.

And Tom, if you're reading this... we'd really prefer if you kept all four legs of your furniture firmly on the ground this time.

Feature Image: Getty.