'I'm 40 this year and on dating apps for the first time. Here are 11 things I’ve learnt.'

After becoming suddenly single for the first time in 15 years, I have landed with a thud into the landscape that is dating apps.

They didn't exist the last time I was single. Online dating, yes, but it wasn’t the norm. I think I actually still had a MySpace account. 

So after diving head first into this brave new world, I’ve been curating some observations and learnings along the way.

Watch: Dating, translated. Post continues after video. 

1. Every man, his dog, and random babies.

Dogs are a big deal on the apps. They feature in most guys' photos and your potential affection and tolerance of said dogs is a deal breaker for many. 

Another emerging trend is men holding babies. I think the 'why' angle here is, "I'd make great father material", which doesn't do it for me. I don't want more babies. 

When it comes to dating profile photos, dogs and babies are the new version of holding up a big fish you caught.

2. Chemistry in texting doesn't always translate.

Expect to waste hours engaging in useless small talk on these things. Like reams of messages. Then the ones who you think have 'cute banter' and are funny in text form can often fall short when it comes to IRL banter. 

Chemistry can only be measured in person. Pheromones are there for a reason.

3. The pineapple/pizza debate.

Look, as a writer, I think it's easy for me to critique the lame things people come up with in the "tell me about yourself" boxes. 

But I'm not really sure why people (and honestly, so many of them do) feel the need to bring up that they either do or don't believe in pineapple on pizza. 

What's the 'why' angle here? The ones that draw me in are short and funny. Keep it simple, humorous, and not about redundant opinions on pizza. 

Image: Supplied.

4. A picture can tell a thousand words.

So they either have dirty mirrors in their selfies (eek), or they look too serious (like serial killers), or they use their corporate professional headshots.

If I see more than one gym mirror selfie, it's a no. I don't love exercise but I also think it tells you they care a lot about externals and what their external looks like. Not a fun vibe. 

I always look for the ones where they are having fun and not looking ominous. Keep an eye on consistency and how they present across all shots before you commit to a swipe. 

5. Be prepared for Houdini(s).

I have lost count of how much time I have wasted on small talk chats to then be stood up, or for them to just disappear for no reason. My worst was one hour before meeting someone. 

He sent a message then, POOF... disappeared without explanation. My more experienced single friends tell me it's the 'shopping cart' effect. People put you in their cart with no intention to purchase. With something else just around the next 'swipe', it's transactional. You aren't a real person. Charming. What happened to manners? It's a lost art it would seem. You need to not take it personally, because it's really not about you.  

Which leads me to my next point...

6. It’s not me, it’s dopamine.

I was whining to my psychologist about the Houdini’s early on and I was asking what was wrong with me. Why did I care when I reasonably understood that I shouldn't?

She explained that when you come out of a relationship and your brain has been through trauma; it is seeking dopamine hits to feel good again. 

So, when we get a message or a new match, it spikes dopamine in our brains. This really helped me understand that I hadn't regressed into a needy teenager, it was just my needy brain needing a dopamine hit. 

Once the other part of your brain recognises this pattern, the reasonable part takes over and the Houdinis and the meaningless rejections feel like teflon - it doesn't stick.

Image: Supplied.

7. Tinder was scary. 

I have deleted Tinder, twice. 

I’m no prude (well at least I wasn't before) but I just felt like it almost had an "I am going to rock up at your door and enter you" vibe. It was the equivalent of it being 3am at the end of the night, the bar is about to close, and everyone’s wasted and ruthlessly hunting and hurling themselves at you. 

And hats off to people who can jump in like that, it's very 'sex positive' (another new term I’ve learnt). But I just think it's nice to go for a drink and see what happens. 

Hinge and Bumble are way calmer.

8. It's a numbers game.

I am happily single and not looking for a relationship, but if I was, you would need to be dedicating hours a day and swiping and messaging your booty off. To counteract all the Houdini’s and duds, you need to be very actively engaged and I just don't care enough and am not looking for anything serious. But a hot tip, you can outsource it because your married friends will more than happily swipe for hours voyeuristically (just make sure they really know their left and right first).

9. Have Google handy for the new acronyms and slang terms.

From ONS/LTR (One Night Stand/Long Term Relationship) to MSW (Man Seeking Woman), there are a whole host of terms I had never seen and needed translating. It’s confusing and a lot to take in. 

Just try not to come across as 'thirsty'. (That is new slang for desperate...)

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10. Avoid the ones that say "they don’t do drama".

Call me biased, as I am dramatic, but if you are telling people they need to be relaxed and drama-free at all times to be in their orbit... then that's a red flag. Life is messy and can be dramatic. 

You want to be with someone who can handle all of it. Anyone declaring anything 'negative' as something they don't tolerate, then it’s a no, thank you. 

11. Call me old... fashioned.

But my best recent single stories have all been guys I have met in real life, out at bars, through friends. You just can’t beat it. There is always something contrived when you meet through an app. It feels like a job interview but with beer (which helps). There is something thrilling and exciting about that first glance across the room, the encounter, the flirting. It's so much more fun than trying to fill your shopping cart with something you can’t afford or try on first. 

Feature Image: Supplied.