I've been having 'date nights' with the same man for 21 years. Here are my 8 tips to keep it fresh.

Listen to this story being read by Laura Jackel, here.

Date nights get a bad rap. 

They conjure up images of middle-aged couples making dull conversation by candlelight and drinking too much red wine. Then humble bragging about being on 'date night' with crap selfies on Facebook. I confess – this is actually me (sorry) and I recognise it is a bit cheesy.

But as cheesy and cringeworthy as date nights can appear on the socials, in real life they are important. Well, they are important for me and my husband Jules.  

We met in 2001 and have been going on date nights since then – that's a solid 21 years of sitting across a table from each other making conversation before and after having kids. And shocking to most, we have yet to run out of chat.

Watch: Date night with Holly Wainwright. Post continues below. 

Considering my experience as a date night veteran, I thought I would compile a list of 8 tips to help you kick-start or ramp up your date night schedule, particularly if you have kids.

You're welcome!

1. Find a trusted babysitter. 

If you have local family members willing to babysit regularly, then this is very helpful from a budgeting perspective. The benefit of having a trusted babysitter on speed-dial however is there's no need to feel any guilt about asking busy, tired grandparents to care for the kids while you head out for (another) dinner. We save asking the grandparents for special occasions only, which honestly I'm sure they prefer too.

We have always found trustworthy, beautiful babysitters through friends who become an extension of our family 'village'. They know us and our kids and we like to think we look after them by always offering food, snacks and decent remuneration. It's an important job and babysitters deserve respect and a decent wage. We also want them to keep coming back!

2. Just book something in. It's all about the quality time. 

Date nights don't actually have to be date nights. For a while we did weekend 'date breakfasts' with long walks because timing wise that worked well and we were both tired during the week thanks to a mad schedule of kids' sport. When our eldest was a toddler, we had a period focussed on wellness after some challenging years. We adapted our dating 'style' opting for a yoga class together followed by a quick beach walk and gelato. It was two hours all up. During lockdown we did date nights in with fancy take-out when the kids were in bed. 

Now we're back to date nights out for dinner, and it's my personal favourite as a natural night owl with a penchant for sequins. The key thing we have learnt during the good and bad times, is just to make the date happen. Book something, anything in. Take turns organising as it is something else to add to your to-do list, but a simple call to the local pub to book a table and a text message to your babysitter or friend doesn't take too much effort. 

Laura and Jules 18 years ago. Haven't changed a bit. Image: Supplied. 

3. Once a year for a friend's wedding doesn't count. Make it a regular thing. 

We have had times when we go out weekly, other times monthly, but on average I would say we attempt to go out about once every two to three weeks. It is not always fancy and sometimes it is literally coffee and a walk but it is regular.

In our extended family our ability to 'date night' is an in-joke. Let's say we have a reputation for being date night aficionados, but here's the thing. If you can, why wouldn't you? Putting time into your relationship is important and also it's fun. I like any opportunity to put on some lippy and get out the house with my favourite adult human. 

4. Do something that means you can properly talk. 

For us, we rarely go to the cinema for date night unless we go for a drink first. We might have done the yoga class for a bit, but a walk and a chat always followed. When we get out for a date night, we want that opportunity to relax and have a conversation with no interruptions. And it's not a logistical conversation about whether the cat has had its dinner or if the car needs servicing. A proper chat about things that have made us laugh this week or issues we need to unpack. Sometimes I have a cry about something emotional or maybe we just get excited planning a holiday.

We might live in the same house but with kids, work and busy lives, sometimes the first chance we get to talk to each other is in bed at 9pm. We need a regular date night just to catch up.

Sometimes I have a mental list of things we need to chat about and other times not. During lockdown when there wasn't much happening, we used the Gottman Card Decks App to inspire conversation about some big relationship topics which kept things interesting. 

5. Know that some dates will be better than others and that's okay. 

After 21 years together, I know that not every date has to be perfect. Sometimes we go to a great restaurant, have a proper deep and meaningful conversation and feel really connected. Other times one of us might be cranky (okay, that's me) and the food is average. Whichever way it falls, it's never BAD. Even if we have a disagreement, we at least have the time and privacy to resolve it before going home so it can actually be a good time to argue (quietly). 

That weird pressure to not be 'that couple' who have nothing to say? Well, maybe on some dates we don't have a lot of important things to say, but so what? We are out having food we didn't have to prepare with no washing up. Sometimes a quiet moment between two adults enjoying each other's company and some fresh ceviche is a joy all on its own.

6. Leave before your kids are in bed if you can. 

We book our babysitter to come early then get the kids roughly ready for bed and then LEAVE. It feels like a very special kind of parental freedom. I also think it does the kids no harm to see mum and dad heading out for dinner together. Going out early, like 6pm early, also means there's time for a pre-dinner drink and if you are middle-aged (or just tired) like we are – you can still be home and tucked up in bed by 10pm. Result! 

7. Put your phones down. 

Unless we are googling something we want to research or look up as part of a chat, our phones have to stay in our pockets or bags as they are way too distracting. While I cannot help but occasionally snap a selfie, there is to be no scrolling the surf reports (Jules) in place of chats. I said what I said.

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8. Have fun! 

Having fun with the people you love is kind of the point of life, right?! We went through a tough couple of years when our eldest son was little. We moved internationally twice, I had three experiences of pregnancy loss and Jules suffered with severe depression. Life is a rollercoaster and after those challenging years we decided to prioritise fun where possible. Yes, this includes fun with the kids and our friends, but also with each other. 

I also like the process of date night planning and look forward to it, which becomes part of the fun. We enjoy finding new local restaurants to try or seeing what events are coming up and then just booking a date in the diary. 

This weekend we've booked to go to a new Japanese place in the city and I've already checked out the menu and planned my outfit. It might be cheesy as hell but honestly, I can't wait for date night.

What do you think about date night? Is it important to you or do you think it's too cheesy? Tell us in the comments below!

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and  TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied / Canva.

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