The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 33: Well. That's the best episode of TV we've ever watched.

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Well. That’s the single best episode of television we’ve ever watched.

We're told that tonight will be the LAST COMMITMENT CEREMONY of the season and holy sh*t it feels like this show just started yesterday.

(No it doesn't)

Jess is very excited about tonight because she plans to break not one but two people.

"Hurting anyone's feelings goes completely against my morals," she says and we don't... believe you.

Meanwhile, in Mick's prison cell apartment, we're shown a glimpse of his card for tonight but unfortunately we're unclear on his decision.

As Tamara is getting ready, she tells Dan, "I'm anxious about tonight," and Dan replies, "Yeah. That's fair. Fair enough..."

Because I'm going to announce my infidelity in front of all our friends but also the entire nation and it will be so sad for you. 

HUSH NOW IT'S TIME.

Expert Trish has her leather pants on again making it three weeks in a row she's been dressed in what is frankly an unprofessional manner.

We're here to ruin lives, Trish. Not count down the minutes until we can go to our rock concert.

First up are Michael and Martha and Trish yells: "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MICHAEL RIGHT NOW."

We're not rushing the ceremony just so you can get out of here early, Trish.

They explain that while they like each other, they also live in different states which is SURELY SOMETHING TRAINED EXPERTS WOULD CONSIDER WHEN MATCHING TWO STRANGERS.

The experts have precisely no advice and send them on their way.

Next are Ning and Mark and John Aiken opens with, "How was your week that was?" and sir... why are you speaking like Yoda.

Ning explains that they've had a tough week, and once they're out in the real world they won't be going to "dinner parties" all the time which is surely a good thing for any relationship.

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She ultimately decides to leave and we single-handedly blame Jessika who should have been fruit-bowled a week ago.

John Aiken is partway through a stroke when Mark announces that he is staying because "we're not done".

Ning admits that she "looks at the negatives before the positives" and holy shit same.

It's time for Jules and Cam and no offence but... no.

We want Jess to make everyone cry already we have things to do (no we don't).

As Heidi and Mike approach the couch, John Aiken's disdain is... immediate.

His unexplained resentment towards Heidi is becoming more and more pronounced, and as Mike explains that they've had a 'hiccup,' it takes everything John has not to yell: MAYBE IF HEIDI WOULD JUST SHUT THE F*CK UP.

But John Aiken knows that the tide has turned, and that his fellow experts as well as the entire country saw Mike's bad behaviour towards Jess at the dinner party. So it's no longer about targeting Heidi for her unrealistic expectations/standards, etc, but about criticising their communication. As a couple. Of which half is Heidi.

Both ultimately decide to stay, but as they're leaving Heidi says, "Can you fckn help us coz that's your job or do you have something else going on during the week?"

John mutters that he has a lot of Air Crash Investigation recorded, and Mel and Trish have Pilates most days so they're not really... free.

Meanwhile, Dan is sitting in the corner sweating like a cheatin' pig.

"I don't want too much controversy," he tells the camera and maybe you should have thought of that before you made a mockery of John Aiken's passion project idk idk.

But as Jessika and Mick sit on the couch, we immediately notice something.

It's Mick's feet.

Look. Perhaps we have been too critical of his thongs in the past. We all get in situations where we have no footwear and have to buy the ones at the petrol station (we don't). But tonight... tonight is different.

Mick is barefoot at a Commitment Ceremony that took Mel Schilling approximately 40 minutes to set up, and now he's getting his dirty feet on the furniture.

He tells the experts that he's been stuck "hanging out by myself in a city that I hate," and maybe if you wore shoes when you explored then it wouldn't be so awful. 

Finally, he reveals he has decided to leave, which he has written precisely 19 times on his card.

After three weeks of being held hostage, Jess also decides to leave.

Mick. Starts. Celebrating. The experts are filing their paperwork. Heidi is distracted by John Aiken mouthing rude words to her... when it happens.

"I came here to find someone," Jess says, "and I've found that. But it's not with Mick. It's with Dan."

.............

................

"DID YOU JUST SAY,"  Mick yells and yes she did darling. 

As sirens go off in the background (??) Mick loses it.

"You made me STAY HERE BY MYSELF and look like an IDIOT. So you could play footsies and bloody flirt with him. You are the most selfish brat ever. You spoilt bitch," and yes, well, it would appear Mick is upset.

Given the lack of leadership from the experts, Heidi decides to host, and asks questions such as, "Did you kiss?" and "Is Tamara also just finding out now?"

Meanwhile, John Aiken is sobbing, saying quiet prayers to Channel Nine, while trying to ignore Trish who is quietly packing up her things to see if she can sneak out to her rock concert.

Now is not the time, Trish. 

Tamara leaves the room, yelling about how Dan could have at least told her, and Ning follows, while Mick starts throwing things and secretly wishing Cyrell was still here.

"Let me jump in now Mick, and just take control of the room," John Aiken says and MATE IT'S BEEN LIKE HALF AN HOUR WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.

"The question begs, why did you keep Mick here?" he asks Jess and wait are you srs. We know... why. Sir.

Mick starts crying because John Aiken's question was so unspeakably dumb, while Jess decides that now would be a good time to tell everyone about how much she likes her new boyfriend, Dan.

Unfortunately no one can hear her... thoughts... over the sound of her current husband's audible sobs.

"Take a moment," John Aiken says and this man is going to need so much than a moment he is traumatised. 

Jess just speaks louder asking: "SO CAN DAN AND I ENTER AS A COUPLE NOW OR NO?"

Oh.

The experts tell Mick and Tamara to say their farewells aka GTFO so they can make a decision about whether the two people who have a) broken the rules, b) lied to their partners, and c) made a mockery of this entire spectacle, can stay in the experiment.

Trish definitely doesn't get a vote, so it's between Mel and John Aiken.

"Whose desert did you like best?" Trish asks and sweetie wrong show it's so confusing for you.

The rest of the conversation goes as follows.

John: We've got to come back to what our roles are.

Trish: Wait. What are our roles?

John: We've got to decide what are we here to do in this experiment.

Mel:

It becomes clear no one really knows why they're here, and ultimately they exchange a knowing glance. They're here for drama. But also gossip.

John Aiken tells the group that Jess and Dan will continue as a couple, "because if we were to intervene then it would cease being an experiment..."

This ceased being an experiment on day one when you broke precisely every principle upon which an experiment is based. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.