'I'm a couples therapist who called off my wedding. Here's what I want women to know.'

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In early 2020, as the pandemic was unfolding, I ventured back onto a dating app hoping to find love.

I soon met a man who was warm and attentive. His consistent communication felt reassuring and precisely what I had been longing for. Despite being a skilled couples' counsellor, my own love life had been empty.

Like my female clients, I had attracted partners who were not capable of providing secure, lasting love.

This new man felt different. Our early conversations were open and vulnerable, and his intentions were clear. It wasn't long before I found myself wondering if this was my person. Soon we were discussing a future together. He seemed so sure of me, further crystalising my belief that this was it.

He proposed two months after dating. Image: Supplied.

We had been dating for two months when he got down on bended knee and proposed against the stunning harbour backdrop. Elated, I said, "yes!"

What would I have said to a client in this exact situation? To slow down, that it's too soon to really know someone; that in the early days of romance, you idealise a new partner.

I couldn't see it then. I was once again rushing ahead, seeking the certainty and security of a relationship. I wanted someone to choose me and didn't slow down enough to notice who I was choosing.

Once we moved in together, the cracks deepened. Within a few months my excitement over planning a wedding vanished. Conflict intensified as I discovered how drastically our values differed. I started to suppress my true thoughts and feelings to keep the peace.

I was frightened of losing myself completely and felt deeply alone.

I called off the wedding, two months before the big day and felt instant relief.

Today, I feel incredibly grateful for this experience. Without it, I wouldn't have faced my wounds and chose healing. I finally understand how a healthy, reciprocal love feels and am approaching four years with my current partner.

Here are the lessons I want every woman to know about finding love.

Watch what makes a relationship 'toxic'? Post continues below.

The love stories we inherit.

We are often blind to the impact of our upbringing on our relationship choices. Our childhood experiences with our caregivers set us on a similar romantic relationship trajectory. We gravitate towards what is familiar, rather than what is good for us.

An emotionally distant parent means we unconsciously choose an emotionally unavailable partner or minimise our own emotional needs.

It doesn't have to be this way if you start by identifying and owning your relationship patterns and partner choices.

Be prepared to choose differently.

Love isn't enough.

Chemistry, intensity, and chaos is your body saying this feels familiar; "I know this dance; I know the role I need to play to stay connected to them."

This is when you'll miss the red flags. In this idealising phase, I often remind my clients that the little girl inside them is choosing. This is problematic when your younger self didn't experience reliable connection.

Be wary of sliding into pleasing behaviours with a partner, particularly if this is a past pattern.

When looking for true reciprocal partnership, slow down, assess their life values and look for alignment. Healthy love often feels surprisingly calm when all you've known is anxiety and turmoil.

Love is more than a feeling, it's consistent action.

Be what you seek.

I had to get honest with myself and so do most women I support.

When you've only known emotional instability in relationships, you fear rejection and abandonment.

You fear that your next partner will discover you're too much, too emotional, too needy, and leave.

That you're the problem. It's easy to get stuck in a cycle of minimising your own needs and to stop being vulnerable. Caution: that's the quickest way to attract an emotionally unavailable partner.

Love does exist.

Most women I work with fear that they can't trust themselves to choose a reliable partner when they've missed past warning signs. It feels safer to avoid dating. I preferred to take the risk, knowing that I wanted to experience a loving partnership.

I credit Schema Therapy and Inner Child work with giving me the tools I needed to break old patterns and to meet my own emotional needs. In learning to validate my own emotions and develop more positive regard for myself, everything shifted. A healthy emotional connection to self is the basis for choosing a healthy partnership.

The biggest lesson of all?

I needed to trust in the love that I deserved, and I hope other women do too. The part of you that feels too much or not enough is just right for the right person.

Feature Image: Supplied.