'My husband left me for another woman. Now she parades at all our kids' events. How do I cope?'

Harriet* had been with her husband for 17 years before their relationship fell apart.

She discovered he'd been unfaithful for several years while they were married. 

Now they've separated, Harriet's ex-husband is openly in a relationship with the woman he cheated with, and Harriet is left to navigate a situation that's "reopening old wounds."

Watch: How to support someone going through a separation or divorce. Post continues after video.

The Dilemma.

"I'm really struggling and could use some heartfelt advice… I feel completely alone," Harriet* shared in a reader dilemma to Mamamia.

She continued: "My ex-husband has started bringing his girlfriend (let's call her Jacqui*) to our child's sporting events."

Before this, Harriet had never interacted with Jacqui "face-to-face."

"I had previously reached out to her via text when I discovered the affair, not only to confront her but to warn her about the kind of man she was getting involved with."

The two women didn't speak at the event, but Harriet found that occupying space with Jacqui and her ex-husband to be "deeply unsettling".

"I kept thinking, Why do I feel so uncomfortable? I wasn't the one who lied, cheated, and manipulated. Yet here I am, feeling like I'm the one who doesn't belong."

For Harriet, the worst part was that her child felt uncomfortable.

"She's met Jacqui before: my ex and Jacqui like to play 'Brady Bunch', pretending everything is normal while ignoring the elephant in the room: their affair. It's heartbreaking to see my daughter caught in this mess, forced to smile through something that clearly hurts her."

The situation left Harriet at a crossroads, pondering whether she should take the "Mel Robbins approach" and "let them live with the choices they made". Or if she should try to change things.

"I think about how my daughter feels, and how neither of them even considered asking if it was okay for Jacqui to attend. Not once did they think about how this might affect me — or more importantly, our child. But then again, they never really have considered the feelings of anyone but themselves."

Knowing that there will be more events has left Harriet feeling "torn."

"Do I just keep swallowing this discomfort and 'let them'? Or do I speak up and tell my ex that Jacqui's presence is not welcome because it makes both me and our daughter uncomfortable?" Harriet asked.

"The problem is, I know if I say anything, he'll just gaslight me. Twist it. Make me feel like I'm the problem. I'm trying to protect my child while also trying to heal myself. Any advice or support would mean the world right now."

The Answer.

To answer the dilemma, Mamamia reached out to family psychologist Donna Cameron for her expert opinion.

"This is a situation that many people face following separation, particularly when there has been a lack of respect and communication about how to co-parent effectively," Cameron told us.

"Ideally, during or shortly after separation, parents would have had clear discussions and boundaries around how and when new partners are introduced to the children, and what role those new partners will play. When handled thoughtfully, this process, though still uncomfortable, can at least be respectful and manageable. Unfortunately, that is not what this woman has experienced."

The psychologist added that Harriet's feelings towards the situation are "completely normal and need to be validated".

"After being betrayed through infidelity, she is likely still in the process of grief and loss. It takes time to process the reality that the life she thought she had may have been very different from what she believed. Understandably, she is struggling to find her footing both as an individual and as a co-parent in this new reality," she said.

As for the discomfort felt by Harriet's daughter, Cameron explained that children are "highly attuned to a parent's distress".

"It can be distressing for them to witness one parent being blindsided or hurt in public," she said.

"It was inappropriate for the father to bring his new partner, particularly one who was part of an affair, without prior discussion or consideration of how it might affect both his daughter and his ex-wife. This behaviour reflects a lack of empathy and self-awareness, consistent with someone who is prioritising their own needs rather than the emotional wellbeing of their family."

In an ideal world, said the psychologist, "there would have been gradual introductions."

"Time for the child to adjust, and open communication between both parents about what would feel appropriate and when. The child's feelings should have guided this process. Children deserve a voice in transitions that affect them, even though adults ultimately make the decisions," Cameron explained.

As for how Harriet should approach the situation, Cameron described her instinct to avoid confronting her ex as "wise".

A wise decision.

"It is likely that any attempt to raise her discomfort would be met with defensiveness or gaslighting, leaving her more frustrated and invalidated," said the psychologist.

"The best focus for her energy is her child. She can open gentle conversations such as, 'How did that feel for you?' or 'What was it like seeing Dad and Jacqui there?' and validate whatever her daughter says without over-sharing her own feelings. She does not need to promise that it will not happen again, only to show that her daughter's emotions are understood."

From there, Harriet and her daughter can "develop small strategies" to deal with the new family dynamic, like taking a brief break or using a private code word.

"The goal is to help the child feel more confident in managing her emotions during uncomfortable situations," said Cameron.

In terms of Harriet's personal discomfort, Cameron recommended bringing her own support network to the events.

"Avoiding the events entirely may provide short-term relief, but it can make future encounters even harder," said Cameron. "Finding small, empowering ways to stay present helps rebuild her confidence over time. Afterwards, she might allow herself space to release her own emotions, whether that is crying in the shower, taking a walk, or singing loudly in the car. These moments of self-care are important."

If Harriet should choose to communicate her discomfort directly to her ex, Cameron suggested approaching the conversation with a "simple, factual message" that focuses on their child's wellbeing, like: Just letting you know that [child's name] mentioned feeling uncomfortable when Jacqui attended the sports event. I am not asking you to change your plans, but I thought it might be helpful for you to know how she is feeling.

"This approach keeps the focus on the child's experience without opening the door to defensiveness or conflict," said Cameron.

Ultimately, said the psychologist, Harriet's focus should be on two things: "caring for her own mental health and ensuring that her child feels heard and supported."

"Over time, as her daughter matures, she will likely express her feelings directly to her father," added Cameron. "If a parent consistently fails to consider a child's emotional needs, that will naturally affect the quality of that relationship in the long run."

Should the issues persist, Cameron advised to seek support from a psychologist or family therapist.

"They can provide additional strategies on how to communicate with the child[ren] about these type of situations and how to co-parent with a difficult ex-partner."

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Google Gemini. (Stock image for illustrative purposes only).