Constance Hall: 'Well done. You were once again the legendary memory maker of Christmas.'

Hey you…

After Christmas I don’t know if anyone told you this, I hope they have… but if not here it goes.

Well done.

Chances are you budgeted for over a month to put a smile on your kid’s face this Christmas.

You did the last minute Christmas shopping, I saw you there… at Kmart on Christmas Eve as we all frantically ran around for that one person that we don’t want to feel forgotten about on Christmas.

Found the f*king sticky tape and scissors and wrapped whole lots of sh*t while hiding, or rushing or staying up way later than you wanted to. We weren’t all born with a passion for wrapping presents and decorating trees… I see you.

Stayed up until every one of your nosey stealth kids fell asleep, even the ones who pretend to sleep, had really fallen asleep so you could put the presents under the tree.

Watch: Constance Hall speaks to Mia Freedman and gets honest about money. Post continues below.

Woke up at 5am, even if you were up all night breastfeeding because even sleeping kids know… it’s present time.

Handed the credit over to a make-believe old man.

Received nothing, or maybe a candle and a card and were happy as Larry with that.

Sucked a whole lot of eggs… bit your tongue while your family-in-law judged your lifestyle or made snide remarks or told you how “lucky” you are to have a partner like yours, while they necked another beer and revelled in the glory of their existence and your biological family judged you for not moving on.

Made the f*cking food. Not because you wanted to, but because nice food is important to you. Because the smell of it being cooked is an important memory for your kids.

And watched it gather flies because your aunty-in-law brought the winning roast beef…

Drove hundreds of miles to see your grandkids.

Did a Christmas child handover with the ex, holding back tears, pretending everything is just fine.

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Ran out of garbage bags to shove boxes and wrapping paper and uneaten food in, cleaning the whole house.

Basically became an engineer and carpenter in one because some clever person bought your kid a swing set, handed it over and got pissed all day.

Consoled your one life-hating kid who’s never happy no matter how much crap they get.

Apologised for other people’s behaviour.

Breathed deeply while your husband f*cked off because the surf was “pumping”. Okay, maybe that’s just me.

And still sat back knowing that you had a great Christmas because seeing other people smile genuinely makes you happy.

You are the legendary memory makers. You don’t work like a f*cking dog because you’re a martyr or an enabler of the lazy pricks in your life.

You do it because you care.

And I care about you.

I hope you had a merry f*cking Christmas and praise the lord it’s over.

Read more: 

• Mamamia Profile: Australia can’t decide if Constance Hall is a truth-telling goddess, or a ‘loud, smelly bogan.’
• ‘In a big family, corners must be cut.’ Constance Hall on the reality of raising six kids.
• Constance Hall: “Like Clemmie Hooper, I set up a fake account to defend myself from trolls.”
• Constance Hall: ‘Here’s to the friends who arrive in your darkest moments, and refuse to leave.’

Feature image: Instagram/@mrsconstancehall.

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