'I had an affair with a married man. When his wife found out, I wrote her this letter.'

It was a letter that I never, ever wanted to write. Yes, I had an affair and yes, of course, that is an inherently risky business. However, I was naively focused on my reasons for doing so and my responsibilities in doing so. I was aware that there was another woman - a wife - but I saw her as my affair partner's business; he had made his choice to cheat and any potential repercussions of that would be his to deal with. I completely underestimated the potential wrath of a woman scorned though, as well as the misogyny felt and dealt towards "the other woman" when affairs implode.

And this is why I had to write a letter. I am intrinsically non-confrontational and shy away from drama or attention, but I am all about fairness. Whilst it could of course be argued that it was unfair of me to have an affair with a married man, I would be much more inclined to adorn a scarlet letter had I deliberately and knowingly used my sexual charms to lure this man away from the family home, but this is a man who I met on a dating app designed for people seeking affairs; who was openly advertising himself as available for an affair; and who had had many affairs before I walked into his web.

WATCH: Woman discovers partner cheating through receipts left on table. Post continues after video.

This is also a man who had at least one affair with someone else whilst he was having an affair with me. The reason I know this is because this is how his wife found out about us; the other other woman told her. Did she punish this other woman though? No, she lived overseas. I was a much easier and more obvious target. Not to mention easier than her husband.

And her attack was insidious. Why start by attacking me directly, when you can begin by undermining my very footing by using a fake Instagram profile to send disgusting messages to my ex-husband about me? And, why stop there? Why not also use the same fake profile to make complaints against me to my workplace, claiming that I was unfit to work because I "slept with married men" as if it was the 1960s? She also threatened to provide evidence of this. Meanwhile, he remained immune to it all, despite being the head of a company that promotes itself as being all about respect and integrity.

Once Mr Affair Man had confirmed that it was his wife who had been on the rampage to destroy my life I knew that I had to write to her. I had to defend myself against the vile messages she'd sent; I had to point out the injustice of the attack against me in my workplace and the insensitivity of her involving my ex; and I had to present my interpretation of the relationship I'd shared with her husband for years.

This is what I wrote:

Dear  Sally*,

I've been waiting to hear from you, as Steven* told me you were keen to talk, but clearly you'd rather just troll me instead. Unfortunately, I continue to be impacted by your messages and actions, so feel I'd be doing myself a disservice by not responding.

I have to tell you that I was incredibly shocked by the language of your messages, which continues to haunt me. I honestly did not realise that it was possible for anyone to speak so horribly about or to another person. What was most disturbing to me was the sheer meanness exhibited in the messages you sent to my ex in particular. I have no idea how you can justify sending those. Steven told me about how much you consider yourself to be "an empath", but certainly your treatment of my ex does not suggest this to be true.

And then of course there were the threats against me in my workplace, which I am still suffering the consequences of in many nuanced ways. I assume that part of your reasoning behind threatening me in that way was to implicate Steven, as obviously it exposed what he'd done. And I assume that you know that he's been questioned by the police as a result of this? Steven often told me how he resented you seeing him as "the provider" and that's why it's strange to me that you'd want to jeopardise your source of income by also putting his position at risk.

Going to the police, at the insistence of my work, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I tried to justify it in my head by telling myself that I'm sure you would have done exactly the same thing if someone had threatened you in the way you did me. What is of course ironic, is that I should actually be the one making a complaint against Steven to his workplace.

Another reason that I have really struggled with your treatment of me is because, as you know, I am not the only person Steven has had an affair with. Did you abuse the others in the same way as you have me? Have you tried to get any of the other women fired, such as the ex-girlfriend he used to sleep with; and the backpacker he picked up one time; and all of the other women prior to that? You might know of more given that the reference documents that you're using in your couple's counselling sessions, which Steven emailed to me the other week, talk about the importance of honesty. Have you also abused these other women and tried to ruin their careers and relationships in the way you have mine? 

LISTEN: On this episode of Sealed Section, Chantelle answers three anonymous questions from listeners, who are cheating, or being cheated on. Post continues after podcast.

This is the thing; the anger you've directed at me should be directed at Steven. As I assume you now know, Steven and I met on a dating app; he was specifically advertising himself as available for an affair. He is the one who cheated on you, not me. As Steven well knows, I have been punished enough at the hands of my ex already for all that has happened.

There's so much more I could say, but Steven has expressly asked me to "do him a favour" and not mention a lot of other information, so I'll respect his request. I reassure myself daily with the knowledge that when Steven told his friends about our relationship, they said to him that it is clearly something very special and I know this to be true. I am also grateful for all of the messages that I have from Steven, which are evidence of this very fact and which contradict the claims that you've made in yours. I am sad that Steven has shared intimate information about me with you, which has put me in such a vulnerable position, but I understand that he did this at your demand. Whilst he has shared similar information with me about you, I would never try to use this to shame you.

Debbie*.

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

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