'After my divorce, all I wanted for Christmas was my kids.'

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, was the sound of me sobbing as I lay on the couch.

It was my first Christmas since my marriage break-up and my daughters were at their dad's house. Nothing had prepared me for this moment. We had split seven months before and the following months were hellish, but Christmas Day took this grief to a new level.

Christmas Day had to be carved up like a Christmas ham: he got the kids overnight on Christmas Eve, and I woke up in the house alone, for the first time ever. It was the first Christmas Day I had ever been on my own in the morning, and this was a lot more painful than not getting a brand-new pair of white boot skates when I was 12 years old — the last Christmas Day I had cried!

Watch: What a healthy co-parenting relationship looks like. Post continues after video.

Throughout my life, Christmas Day has been a huge family event. Until I had my own family, we gathered with my mother's Catholic brothers and sisters and their hordes of children at someone's house and ate average food — an aunty brought a coleslaw and an uncle played Santa — and we ripped open presents under the tree, and by the end of the day, went home exhausted, with ears ringing from talking and singing and laughter.

I nibbled chocolate on my advent calendar every year as I counted down the days till Christmas, and when I became a mother, I took this same anticipation and delight into the festive season. My youngest daughter was born four days before Christmas, and I nicknamed her "my Christmas baby".

After my split, all I wanted for Christmas was my kids; I wanted to watch them pulling things out of their stockings and ripping their presents open. I didn't want to miss a second of any special moment.

But on that first Christmas, I didn't get that gift until after lunch, when it was my turn to celebrate Christmas Day with them. My parents and sisters turned up, and I flicked the Christmas lights on the tree, and served up a delicious — late — lunch while the carols boomed through the house. My kids were excited to be with me, and finally, it felt like Christmas.

Sarah's children, nieces, and nephews on Christmas Day when they were little kids. Image: Supplied.

One million Australian kids — or one in five — will experience parental separation before the age of 18, and for them, and their parents, Christmas Day is usually different to what it's like for the Joneses. Christmas Day is a festive event that makes you feel your difference as a single/separated/co-parent more than anything else.

As a parent, you've got to ignore the fact that you'd really like your kids for all of Christmas day and the night before and after Christmas. Your family is different now, so you've got to forget that.

Tips from me as I face my 15th Christmas as a separated parent.

This year, my daughters — all now young adults — will be away with their father and his family.

You should treat the day like you'd treat any other day or week of the year when you're co-parenting: your kids have to be shared with the other parent, and how are you going to do this? It's not the day to be arguing with your ex about who is going to pay for school camp, or "what happened to Johnny's shoe that was last seen in his bag when he went to your bloody house!"

Also, dampen your expectations and work with what you have. What do you want your part-of-Christmas-Day to be like for your kids? On my day, we always finish lunch with a swim or a walk.

As you navigate who gets the kids and when, it's a good idea to take turns by dividing the three days up — Christmas Eve, Day, and Boxing Day — so you get a fair share of each, rather than one parent ending the season like a glutton and the other one feeling starved.

For many years, my ex and I had turned about on Christmas Eve. One got the kids from Christmas Eve until after Christmas lunch, and they were dropped by the other parent's for dinner and Boxing Day. 

As we got new partners, we evolved to a situation where one year is always primarily one parent's Christmas, making it easier to travel to be with family.

I miss my daughters like I have lost a limb when they're away with their father on Christmas Day, but I've got used to it. Months out, I always plan what I'll do to fill the void and when it's my year with them, I make it extra special because it only comes every second year, so it's treasured.

I do remember my third Christmas Eve without my kids, when they were still little. I had a fun night out with friends — too many wines, etc. — and I switched it around and thought: how lucky am I to be asleep at sunrise on Christmas Day? My married and hungover girlfriends were woken when it was still dark by their excited kids, while I got a sleep in.

There can be a silver lining to having your kids part of the time, even on Christmas Day!

Sarah Catherall is a journalist and author of How to Break Up Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation, available now at How to Break Up Well.

Want to read more stories about divorce and co-parenting? Check out our top suggestions:

• 'When my ex took our daughters to meet his new girlfriend, I knew I had to say something.'

• DIVORCE DIARIES: 'I'm making a pact with myself about my unhappy marriage.'

• 'Every mistake I made after my divorce, including dating too many sad dads.'

Feature image: Supplied.