The 4 Christmas party rules everyone seems to have forgotten.

HUSH DOWN THE BACK.

We need to talk about the one person in every family who is ruining Christmas for the children.

And by the children we mean for us personally.

Don’t worry – the Christmas f*ckeruperer isn’t here. They would never read a story about Christmas etiquette because they’re too busy buying presents for the wrong people and ensuring they’re four hours late.

You see, Paul* tells the host he’ll be bringing the fruit, and then shows up with four chickens and half a bottle of diet coke.

And he doesn’t even drink diet coke. He puts it down and then asks grandpa where the beers are at.

Paul’s never hosted Christmas, but he has some strong ideas about the catering and would like to bring his partner Melanie along this year even though she starts fights with everyone.

Everyone waits for him to eat, but when he shows up at 4.30pm he laughs that he ate on the way and WHERE WERE YOU PAUL? WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?

Mamamia Out Loud is the podcast with what women are talking about. We discuss this week what you’re certainly not allowed to do at a Christmas party, along with the alleged Fortnite assault, and why seals are suddenly snorting eels. Post continues below. 

So, as a passive aggressive note to Paul, here are the four Christmas party rules that everyone ought to abide by (FFS).

1. Show up on time.

Give or take 15 minutes.

Not 12 hours.

If a party starts at one, get there at one. Not 9pm.

If you have extenuating circumstances, like another Christmas party or work, just let people know.

SEND A TEXT MESSAGE GODDAMMIT PAUL THAT’S ALL IT TAKES.

2. If you say you’re going to bring fruit, bring fruit. Don’t bring a pig on a spit. It’s confusing for everyone.

Where. Are. They. Meant. To. Put. The. Pig. On. The. Spit.

They don’t have space. And no one wants it. 

Remember what you promised to bring, and bring that exact thing.

Someone who is not you has gone to a lot of effort to work out what’s accounted for and what’s not, and by mixing up ‘salad’ with ‘after dinner mints’, the whole balance is out of whack.

3. Double check who you’re buying a present for.

If you’re meant to be buying a present for three-year-old Tom, then, and I’m going to make this very clear…

Buy a present for three-year-old Tom. 

If you don’t you will ruin Christmas for him but also everyone.

4. Say thank you.

If someone hosted Christmas at their home, or organised an event, thank them.

Hell, thank everyone.

Thank the dog and the baby and the television.

It is bloody stressful to put together a Christmas party and I personally wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. The least anyone can do is look them in the eye and say “Thank you for taking one for the team, and I dearly hope you never have to do it again.”

IT’S THAT SIMPLE PAUL. FOUR THINGS. YOU CAN COUNT THEM ALL ON ONE HAND FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

What do you think are the most important rules for Christmas parties?