'My teen sons hate each other and it's destroying my family.'

For many first time parents, the decision to have a second child is part of a bigger plan for their family. 

Often, subsequent children are considered 'future playmates' for their first child, hopefully even 'future friends'. 

We picture them playing happily together as toddlers, hanging out as teens, and growing up to be best friends, and sharing milestones together. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes, siblings just don't get along. In adulthood, of course, many siblings choose not to associate with each other at all, or maybe limit catch-ups to special occasions like Christmas and birthdays. 

Watch: Should you stay together for the kids? Article continues after the video.

But what if your children's dislike for each other kicks in a little earlier than planned? Do you force them to spend time with each other, or accept that some people — even kids — just don't gel? 

One woman reached out to the Facebook brains trust to share her dilemma with some fellow mums. 

"My sons are like chalk and cheese," she wrote. 

"The 15-year-old is football mad, the cool guy; 13-year-old is mildly on the spectrum, enjoys being alone and fishing. 

"Both are amazing, but they hate each other. The older one is mean, the younger one reacts to everything. 

"I no longer know how to deal with them, they are making the house miserable… the house is so tense. We can't hang out together, we can barely get through a dinner. 

"Please help!! My family is falling apart."

The responses were varied. Some women felt the kids should have no choice – family is family. Others say you can't force friendships, let them have their own space. 

But if you take that option, family dinners and holidays are going to be tricky. 

Psychologist Phoebe Rogers says sibling rivalry that heavily impacts family time can be incredibly stressful on parents, who are not only trying to facilitate a peaceful environment, but may also be dealing with lost dreams. 

"I think siblings being best friends is often idealistic," Ms Rogers says. "There can be feelings of helplessness and guilt."

As for how to manage the situation, Ms Rogers says it's important to figure out the root cause. 

"Considerations should be given to different temperaments, gender, neurodivergence , sensory sensitivities, different ways of communicating, etc," she says. 

"I've worked with child and adult siblings; as adults, we work on understanding their differences, and what happened in their family in the past that contributed to the wedge between them.

"With children, I work on understanding the behaviour and any underlying hurt or mental health issues and needs, and the whole family system to find a way forward."

Sometimes, though, it's just a case of clashing personalities. 

"Adults don't necessarily like everyone; why should our kids? We should of course aim to be polite and respectful, and appreciate each other's differences. I'm not endorsing rage and hate either – just a middle ground where everyone feels safe to be themselves."

Focus on encouraging your children to be civil, kind and respectful, without forcing interactions. 

"I would work on understanding the context deeply and coming up with a middle ground that may work. 

"I think it's helpful to learn to be in each other's space and have a general regard and respect for each other, but not make them be best friends."

In extreme situations, it may be necessary to seek external support to determine whether there are any underlying factors. 

"There are a range of factors at play here: gender, age, temperament, possible neurodivergence, parent modeling, stress, and even their own unresolved family matters – work to understand all the factors at play, rather than a simple and linear explanation.

"I often used to hear overly simplistic interpretations of a child or young person's behaviour; often the behaviour is pointing to a deeper emotional longing."

At the end of the day, sometimes parents have to accept their children aren't going to have the relationship they'd imagined – and that's okay.  

"I think many project their own hopes or even unresolved family of origin wounding onto their children,  parent guilt and grief can come up too. 

"And of course we all want the big, happy family. 

"Try to expand your ideas of normal, and don't ever hesitate to talk to a professional, as a healthy approach can only be given upon assessment of each case."

Feature image: Supplied.