The Celebrity Apprentice finale recap: Two blondes fought to the death.

We’ve brought it back for the finale.

Here is our final Celebrity Apprentice recap, after a gap of many weeks during which I can only assume very little of interest happened. If you want to read the first four glorious recaps, try here, here, here and here.

Let’s see who is still left in the game, shall we?

The two remaining celebs are Sophie Monk and Sideshow Dormer! I could have picked Dormer actually, he did win Big Brother. But Monk?

She has not proven herself a skilled business person, unless over the weeks since I last saw this show she developed a memory longer than a goldfish’s.

Sophie tells us that she is “willing to do anything to win” which could explain Bouris’s choice to keep her in the game.

She then tells us that Sideshow Dormer will also do anything to win, which does not bode well for Bouris.

The lying voiceover is back to its old tricks, telling us that Monk is “Australia’s IT girl”. Yah, and I’m Australia’s sweetheart.

A montage of what we can expect from tonight’s episode consists mostly of Monk’s boobs.

In a car, the two remaining contestants both decide they’ll try and win. Good decision, guys.

They arrive to some sort of hangar and Dormer and Sophie’s boobs are greeted by Daddy Warbucks arriving in a helicopter. They are unreasonably impressed by this.

He dismounts and informs them that one of them will win the show. Well I’ll be. So that’s how this caper is going to end up! They should’ve put in a spoiler alert.

The challenge today: create a brand campaign for Australia. I really feel Sophie could just recreate Lara Bingle Worthington’s Where The Bloody Hell Are Ya? bit. Maybe they’d have to overdub her voice to something slightly more mellifluous, but it could work.

They have to make a TV commercial and a print ad which they’ll present to the big daddy at a “gala event”. (I wasn’t even invited despite my work to promote this turkey. Thanks for nothing, Channel Nine).

Sophie and Dormer take off in the chopper while I assume Bouris walks home, tie in hand.

This view of Sydney’s red-brick suburbs is supposed to inspire their campaigns. How’s the serenity?

“It stirred really deep emotions inside me,” says Sideshow Dormer. What does lie beneath the surface of this churning, foetid pond that is Tim Dormer?

When they land, Sophie and Dormer are greeted by the old gang. Oh wait, most of them have clearly refused to come back. OK, but Gina’s over her bowel issues; Muscles Cooper has been working out; Richard Reid wants to say bitchy things to Dormer; Royal Prank DJ is now being referred to as Ex Radio DJ and clearly isn’t sure what to do next career-wise; James Mathison needs to put food on the table for his kids; and who is that?

There’s no sash so I can’t be sure but I think it’s Miss Universe Australia Tegan Martin.

In every every American kid’s baseball nightmare, Sideshow Dormer and Sophie are made to pick three of these rejects to make up their teams.

Sophie picks Tegan first, much to the chagrin of now former bestie Mel Greig. Sideshow Dormer picks Mel, who doesn’t want to be on his team and intends to sabotage him.

Sophie’s team: Tegan, Matt, Richard. Dormer’s team: Mel, James, and Gina. Gina is the dud who gets picked last but she’s too busy filing her nails to notice.

The teams start brainstorming. Oh god. Sophie’s genius catchphrase is, “Australia: you’ve got to see it for yourself.” I suppose it’s better than, “Australia: don’t even bother.”

“So couch, koala and Vegemite?” says Miss Universe Australia (presumably, no sash again!).

The blonde henchwoman who isn’t KAK says they’re “thinking outside the square”. Yeah, there’s nothing predictable about this at all.

Next door Sideshow Dormer is proving to be the only person in this great country who knows the national anthem. He’s taking as his inspiration the line “Our land abounds in nature’s gifts of beauty, rich and rare.”

“I want Tim to make me stressed, I want him to make me angry, so that I can bring him down!” says the Ex Radio DJ. She’s not getting what she wants. He really is a master.

Meanwhile Sophie’s already shooting. She’s roped in a “director friend” to direct her ad, which she thinks is “genius”.

Muscles Cooper is also throwing around the word “genius” with gay abandon. No one has ever applied this word to Sophie before.

They start shooting but Miss Universe Australia and Richard Reid start cutting the director’s grass. “That was a little British,” MUA tells Monk, which again, no one has ever, ever said to her before.

Onto Sideshow Dormer’s shoot and they’re shooting at the same beach, only instead of a koala, they’ve got baby dingoes! THEY WIN!

They’re directing it themselves, clearly lacking the genius to hire a director.

The narrative is that Dormer falls asleep and has a dream about bewdiful Australia.

“My role was to be the lady in the background having a sunbake,” Gina tells us, which is basically the role Gina has taken for every challenge.

Sophie’s ad concept is, as MUA said before, “couch, koala and Vegemite”. She eats spoonfuls of Vegemite and kisses a lizard. Wait a sec, she is a genius!

Nek day: Sophie wants the entire ad re-edited while Sideshow Dormer’s pretty chuffed with his.

I predict they are both execreble.

They have both chosen to really bring it with their outfits today, this being one of the last chances we may ever see either of them on television. Sophie’s focal point is boobs, while Sideshow Dormer is wearing overalls and is giving a kind of scarecrow vibe.

En route to somewhere, Daddy Warbucks texts to tell them they both must make their presentations “spectacular” which really throws a spanner in the works because neither of them seems to know what this might entail.

They arrive at the building where the “gala event” will take place.

Sophie’s nerves are getting the better of her. “I feel very vulnerable reading things and not being silly,” she says.

MUA, who appears to have stolen a small child’s romper suit, goes and stands behind her ineffectually while Sophie goes through some kind of existential crisis, saying nothing at all. It’s awkward.

Dishonest voiceover tells us that Dormer and Monk are presenting to “200 distinguished guests”. Pffffff. They’re basically just people who have to be there because they work for Mark Bouris, or Channel Nine. I’m not bitter.

Bouris descends on the event, the henchwomen dressed in black like blonde bats.

Holy manufactured drama, Batman! Sophie’s lost her speech notes. She should probably just show Bouris her boobs now.

Yothu Yindi are playing. OK, it’s not them but it sounds like them. This is like a Tourism Australia event circa 1995.

Despite finding her notes, Sophie gets up on stage and says “um” a lot.

“When you don’t know what you’re doing on stage, it feels like you’re just standing there naked,” she tells us. I hate to point out the obvious, but she does seem to have decided to let her boobs do the talking.

Oh, but wait! She’s rallying. She has a lizard on her hand which is a real crowd pleaser, and the music indicates our heroine is going to avert this disaster. PHEW!

Bouris nods approvingly at the lizard.

The ad, Sophie tells the audience, is “explaining what Australia is overseas.”

It screens, it’s so lame, but everyone loves it. “That’s good, that’s cool!” says Sophie’s biggest fan Bouris, and he knows cool.

Dormer tells us, “I decided to do something I haven’t done in this competition: be vulnerable.”

To this end, his presentation begins with a boy band singing the national anthem in an overwrought fashion.

Sideshow Dormer is introduced by James Mathison, who quips that while Daddy Warbucks is a killer in the boardroom he’s a pussycat in real life. “Isn’t that right, Mark?” he says.

His cover blown, Bouris is furious.

Sideshow Dormer gets up and talks about how lucky he is to be there, which is like, DUH. Your claim to fame is winning Big Brother. You’re lucky to not be in rehab.

He screens his ad, it is also lame but extra lame because it’s almost entirely made up of stock footage. Still, there is a dingo pup.

TO THE BOARDROOM, YOU PREPOSTEROUS FOOLS!

Sophie’s brought her best cleavage and Sideshow Dormer has worn his best man jewellery.

All of the celebrities go into the boardroom, and you know what that means? Richard Reid is going to be a massive bitch to Tim Dormer.

$420,000 has been raised for charity during the series, but I can’t help but think that if Channel 9 just gave even a tiny proportion of the production cost of making show, everyone would be much better off.

Sideshow Dormer starts talking abut how he “wanted to grow in character” by doing the show.

“I’m not buyin’ this new improved Tim Dormer act ooooooone bit. Please, you and your mom!” spits Reid, which is very constructive.

Muscles Coops throws around the word “genius” again in reference to Sophie’s employing a director to shoot her TVC.

Each team now critiques each other’s ads. In a huge surprise, they both find fault! Reid thinks Dormer’s concept was too highbrow (a dream? A dream is too high concept for this man?) while Dormer thinks Sophie’s ad was great but it didn’t stir his emotions.

“At the start they played on stereotypes, but they didn’t really smash them, she just reinforced them,” he says, which is another surprisingly legitimate Dormer insight.

Watch out Gruen team!

Meanwhile, Reid starts sniping at Gina because he is, as I have said before, a petulant yet dim-witted child.

“What happened to you, did you take a bitch pill?” Gina asks Reid, which you can tell she’s been saving up for absolutely ages. She looks extremely pleased with herself and everyone, including Reid’s entire team, laughs uproariously at his expense.

Bouris’s opinion, which, let’s face it, is the only one that matters here, is that Sophie’s boobs ad has “cut-through”. Dormer’s “wasn’t as pacey” as Sophie’s.

But there’s really only thing that Warbs wants to know from Tim Dormer. “Why did you let James Mathison be a smart-arse to me?”

I knew that hurt his feewings! That “w” is intended by the way. It’s the only way to describe a grown man being mad that someone used his first name.

“He put me on show in front of all my own staff!” he says. Someone call the waaah-mbulance.

James finally gets that patented, “Steel yourself, man, the kids need school uniforms!” look that he usually gets much earlier in the episode.

It comes down to this: Bouris likes Sophie’s TVC and print ad better; but he liked Sideshow Dormer’s presentation better.

SUSPENSE!

Daddy W makes all the other “celebrities” leave the room, leaving Sophie, her boobs, Dormer, and his hair, to face him and his henchwomen.

Both celebrities pitch earnestly for the title. They’ve learned so much, they’ve changed so much, they’re so grateful yada yada yada.

Sophie makes ugly cry noises and says she swore she wouldn’t cry on TV.

“Everyone thinks you’re a pretty blonde-haired blue-eyed girl who can sing and dance,” says Daddy Warbucks, eyes misting over with desire. He was talking to Sophie, fyi.

“No one gives you credit for your level of brightness. But I do.”

Allow me to remove you from your tenterhooks: Sophie and her boobs have won. Her prize is $100,000 for her charity and a date with Mr Bouris.

Sophie and Dormer tell hug and she tells him how great he is before detangling herself and running to join the other celebrities screaming, “OI WOOOOOOOOONNNNN!”

There you have it, my friends. Our journey through Celebrity Apprentice was cruelly curtailed, but we came back together in the end, and that’s what counts.