Considering getting into 'exit out of grief sex' like Carrie Bradshaw? Here's what a sexologist says.

And Just Like That... is underway and we couldn't be more excited. The vibe from the first two episodes of season two is that it's providing Sex and the City nostalgia, unlike the first season. 

This time around, it looks like we're in for plenty of sex, relationships, friendship, life complications and saucy conversations. 

For Carrie Bradshaw, this current life season of hers is all about exploration. As she says to her girlfriends over lunch, "I've been having exit out of grief sex. It's just sex."

Grappling with the loss of Big, Carrie explains that she is keen to explore her own sexuality after a period of bereavement. It's a feeling a lot of widowers and widows can relate to - this idea of 'post grief sex'. 

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Bridget Scholes is a sexologist, educator and the co-founder of sexual wellness business Madame Dahlia. 

From her perspective, she sees exit out of grief sex as an outlet that can be really positive and helpful. 

"Sex can be a really good way to release dopamine, and it can be fun, exciting, pleasurable and releasing," Bridget explains. "Plus, it can provide a really good level of comfort when you have intimacy with another person."

But like with anything, exit out of grief sex has the potential to become unhealthy too. And there are ways to identify when it may be morphing into a hindrance, rather than a restorative outlet. 

"Amid grief, there's such a shift in your sexuality. Research shows that while going through the stages of grief, there are often two main reactions regarding sexuality. One is you can become completely shut off sexually. Another is you can become quite hypersexual and use sex as a coping mechanism or to dull feelings and thoughts," Bridget explains. 

"Some signs pointing to exit out of grief sex becoming unhealthy could be that you find yourself constantly on dating apps or refusing to process your grief separate to sex. Another is putting yourself in dangerous situations or with dangerous people. If you find you are quite emotionally detached and consistently engaging in risky behaviour, that's where issues can arise."

A few years ago, Vicki's partner passed away suddenly. She tells Mamamia that regaining her sexual confidence took time following his death. 

"A few months on, I started to think about sex again. Up until that point, I'd been so in the depths of grief that I figured I would never have sex with another man again. But then I guess I felt a shift of sorts, and I decided why not. I look back on that period and I think it did really help me process things and figure out who I was as an individual again," she explains. 

It's experiences like this that Bridget says can be really powerful. 

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"Stepping into your sexuality or becoming sexual again can be incredibly difficult, particularly when it comes to finding intimacy and a level of connection. We all express grief in different ways, and if one of those ways happens to be in a sexual capacity, there's actually nothing wrong with that," Bridget notes.

"Each person's experience with exit out of grief will be unique. And there's something quite beautiful in that."

With this in mind, it's imperative for the person embracing exit out of grief sex – and those around them – to not associate this 'sex season' with any shame or stigma.

It's something Vicki says she experienced with "one or two former girlfriends".

"They felt I was having sex with other men 'too soon' after the death of my husband. Part of me understands where they were coming from, but their judgement really didn't help. And it did make me lose contact with them, as I wasn't really interested in hearing what they had to say if I felt it was going to make me feel worse about myself."

For Bridget, a large part of her role as a sexologist is trying to de-stigmatise all conversations around sex and pleasure. 

"I think there's a lot of judgment out there. And we as females have a lot of shame attached to sex and often experience a lot of sl*t shaming. It can be really hard to dismantle that shame from our sexual identity. But we deserve to be able to embrace our sexuality, and in doing so, it can be very empowering," she says.

"The pleasure that you get from your sex life can spill out into your actual life, as well. And that's regardless of whether you have a sexual partner, a romantic partner, or engage in self-pleasure."

 So for anyone out there in the midst of grief, feeling like they're ready to start exploring their sexual identity again – maybe it's worth taking a leaf out of Carrie Bradshaw's book. 

*Vicki's last name has been omitted for privacy reasons. Her identity is known to Mamamia.

Feature Image: HBO Max/Mamamia. 

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