Nothing could have prepared her for this moment.

By KATHERINE FOSTER

Unplanned pregnancy and abusive relationships don’t mix.

I had gone through a terrible, traumatic time when I found out I was pregnant. I was in a relationship with lots of yelling, accusations and threats. When I finally had some space to myself to think (my “Partner” was on a “boys’ holiday” in Cambodia) I made, for personal reasons, the choice to be a single parent. And I was terrified.

“I’m sorry I can’t find the heartbeat.”

Nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel at that moment. I was alone at Darlinghurst medical centre, and out of all the scenarios I had gone through, this wasn’t one of them.

My mother insisted that I not be alone in Sydney after the doctor had told me what was happening- and thank goodness she did. The next morning I was in the most excruciating pain of my life.  My body wasn’t going to let go of my little one and I required emergency surgery that evening. Waking up in the hospital the next morning I felt the emptiest I had ever been.  I was taken home and didn’t leave my mum’s bed for a few days.  I never saw my “partner” again.  It was a lonely road.

What no one talks about is how you feel when a child is no longer there- women feel isolated, women are angry, women feel guilt, women feel relieved- there are thousand emotions. But there are not a whole lot of avenues from which to find support, or safe places to express yourself without judgment.  Eventually the flowers dry up and the world keeps on turning. There may be hundreds of grief charities but everyone is different- there isn’t one correct prescribed method for coping.

Miscarriage and stillbirth have a blanket of silence surrounding them- it isn’t pretty or nice and there aren’t a lot of feel good things you can say.  Not one person should ever experience this pain but we know tragically 1 in 5 will. My online support network is filled with courageous life warriors. I have gained strength and healing from them, and we are now lifelong friends.

Carly Marie is an artist who tragically lost her child at 24- she set up a Facebook event called “ Capture your Grief,” inviting women all over the world to take a 31 day photo challenge documenting your personal journey with grief. It was a public event; if you chose to share you were sharing with the world and helping to break the silence. There were over 3000 attendees globally.

Sadly, we live in a world of little empathy. People who had been courageous in sharing their angels had been reported for ”graphic violence” and “obscene” photos and on the 30^th of October, one day before it was due to finish, the event was shut down and banned.

Images of Stillbirth can be confronting, yes. But think about how the parents of these angels feel.  It isn’t about you. We need to move past our own emotions and imagine the utter devastation that has taken place in someone else’s life, and offer support and solidarity rather than disgust.

Considering the disgusting things Facebook celebrates- Rape humour, racism, sexism, bigotry- I find the shutting down of this event difficult to accept.

I know my journey will continue and evolve- it started thanks to people who refused to be silenced. I too refuse to be silenced if it means someone else’s journey can be made a little easier.