'It's such a shift in dynamics.' The complex emotions of caring for your parents.

For anyone who has experienced caring for or supporting their ageing parents, they know first-hand what a complex emotional journey it can be. 

Ainslie understands these feelings very well. 

Throughout her life, her mum Criss had been their family's pillar of support. When Ainslie's dad John became unwell, maintaining a big house and garden became a bit too much for Criss to manage on her own. For Ainslie and her siblings, this left them at a crossroads – adamant they wanted to look after their parents, but also busy juggling their own households, work and more.

"I'm a busy person working part-time. I've got five adult daughters, four sons-in-law, eleven grandchildren. So, my life is busy. I can't always be there for mum. And dad's health was then failing too," Ainslie tells Mamamia.

They started having those tough but necessary conversations – the ones where the role differentiation between parent and child begin to blur. And it was over a family dinner that they discussed the option of Criss and John moving into a nearby independent villa within an Aveo retirement village.

“When they opened the door, I took one look and I said to you, ‘I could live here’,” Criss recounts to Ainslie. It was really good to know that there was something available that I could accept.”   

Not long after moving in, John sadly passed away. But amid this shift in life seasons, Criss and Ainslie always had each other.

Criss lived in her independent villa for many years, enjoying the community and lifestyle that retirement living brings, however as she grew older her needs began to change.

"Mum was becoming a little less mobile and we'd started the conversation about getting more support. She had some help in the garden, around the house and with meals."

All these support services were really beneficial for Criss. But she soon realised that more consistent support was needed. Understandably, it was an emotional time for the whole family – Criss coming to terms with what ageing brings. 

As Criss says: "Tending to the garden was becoming a challenge and I was worried about having a fall. The hardest thing, which surprised me was giving up driving, selling the car. Then it was keeping up with the housework."

For Ainslie, she tells Mamamia it was worrying to see her mum slowing down, becoming more reliant on others, and struggling to do daily chores. 

"I was doing grocery shopping for her, or when she was picking things up, she'd started buying some of those frozen dinners, and that worried me a bit. I think cooking meals was getting difficult. For her linen, I'd try to change it anytime I visited, but that was becoming difficult and also the cleaning," notes Ainslie. "It was quite distressing."

It's a complex weight of responsibility that so many people can attest to. Plus, there's a sense of guilt around not always being available to do more, Ainslie says. And the mental load – it's real indeed. 

More and more this stage of life is being referred to as the sandwich generation, and it's an apt description. It refers to the period where you're parenting your own kids, while also having the responsibility of caring for and supporting your own parents as they get older.

"I really care about mum, more than I can explain," says Ainslie. "I watched her struggle. I was just worried that something might happen, something she might not be able to cope with, and she didn't have the immediate support around her."

Ainslie and Criss. Image: Aveo.

When Ainslie and Criss discussed the option of moving to an apartment with services within the village, it was something Criss felt was the right decision for her, which was a big relief for Ainslie to hear. 

"It was a natural progression really," Criss says, "I'd been in independent living for years, but it was time to downsize again."

As they got ready to move Criss to her apartment, one of the biggest emotional strains was clearing out Criss' villa. 

"I felt really bad for her giving up all of her beautiful possessions. She couldn't take all of those with her. That really hurt, giving up all those things," Ainslie says. "Even when I say to her, 'Oh, well every single person in this serviced apartment complex has done that', it doesn't matter. It still doesn't take away the pain of giving up some of your things."

Aveo has over 90 retirement communities across Australia, where residents can choose between independent living or assisted living options. They can also offer guidance on accessing Government funding to have home care services delivered based on a resident's different lifestyle or care needs. 

Ainslie says Aveo were great at helping them figure out what Criss needed.

"Mum is now in a serviced apartment and she's happy. She has all her meals provided – her favourite is roast pork with crackling – she has access to care, cleaning and more. Her linen is also all sorted. And she has found a community for herself, with lots of friends. And the staff are lovely," Ainslie says.

Criss. Image: Aveo.

For Criss, she still feels right at home, putting up her paintings and her owl clock in her new apartment.

"I feel safe and secure and I'm enjoying every moment of my life. I love going to Bingo. My beautiful outlook, the friendships I have made. I feel like a very lucky person. I value being here every day."

Ultimately, Ainslie and Criss tell Mamamia that although there were some tough conversations to be had, this whole process brought them closer together as a family. 

"She's very kind," Criss says about Ainslie. She's like a rock, you know. I am happy and comfortable and that means the world to me."

As for Ainslie, she now has peace of mind. 

"Knowing she is safe, she is well fed, she's having fun is really, really reassuring. It's fabulous. She's got lovely friends here, nice surroundings and she's happy."

Explore Aveo's retirement villages to find your perfect community. Start a care conversation with someone you care about and talk openly about getting a little extra support in retirement. Hear about what families have to say about their experience with Aveo here.

Feature Image: Aveo/Mamamia.