Days after the ball tampering scandal, Candice Warner miscarried. She says this was her 'rock bottom'.

This is an extract from Running Strong by former champion Ironwoman and commentator Candice Warner. Her whole world comes crashing down after her husband, David Warner, gave his highly publicised and emotional apology at a media conference following the ball tampering incident.

Content warning: This post includes discussion of pregnancy loss that may be distressing to some readers.

It killed me, watching Dave expressing so much raw emotion.

He's never that emotional and he never cracks. He could barely get his words out. Even I hadn't known how much it was affecting him, and how much he was suffering, until he was up there on the podium.

That ball of guilt just grew and grew inside of me, especially as Dave's tears fell. This was all my fault. It all started in 2007, and now had become this – the whole of the country, damning and angry. Dave in tears. The prime minister chiming in, for Christ's sake, calling the incident a national disgrace. 

It was all my fault. It was all my fault. 

I had never said it, but I knew it and I felt it – this was all my fault.

Watch: Candice Warner opens up on SAS Australia. Post continues below. 

[After the media conference] we went out the back way to the car and took off, back to the hotel, before anyone could catch us. We were in the lift on the way back to our room when I found myself on the floor of the hotel's hallway. I'd collapsed and was sobbing. It was as though I was seeing it all from above, as though I was disembodied. 

I didn't mean to fall; I just did. I didn't mean to cry, I just did. I was saying that it was all my fault. It just came out.

The words were mine – they were from deep inside me – but I hadn't chosen to say them.

'It's all my fault. It's all my fault.'

I had to be carried back into the hotel room. I hadn't eaten and had lost several kilograms that week. I was weak, I was stressed, I felt guilt, and the physical and emotional pressures of pregnancy were mounting. I'd kept it all together, because I had to, and I really wanted to. 

I'd only ever wanted to support Dave, especially now when he needed it, but it had all become too much. My mind and body could only go so far. I hadn't made any statements to the press, nor did I want to, but veteran journalist Phil 'Buzz' Rothfield of the Daily Telegraph was very keen on doing an interview with me at the time, and while I didn't have a relationship with him at the time, I was advised that a piece like this from Buzz could be helpful.

We spoke over the phone and I couldn't help but tell Buzz that I felt I was all to blame, and that the genesis of the whole incident was back in my past. I burst into tears over the phone and was again overwhelmed. Buzz was kind and understanding, which was a real comfort, but when I heard our exchange online and on the news the next day, the rawness and pain in my cracking voice was shocking to hear and it pushed me further into despair. 

It was a dark time for both Dave and me.

After the media attention died down, Dave and the girls and I moved out of the hotel and back to Mum and Dad's place. I was glad to be back in my childhood home. Things had calmed down a little bit, and it was a place the girls and I would be comfortable and feel safe and supported while Dave was away playing in India for the SunRisers in the Indian Premier League (IPL). 

Then Dave got the call from the SunRisers telling him that he wouldn't be going.

Dave wasn't allowed to play in the IPL, and therefore would not be paid his salary for the season. The decision was a very significant one for us. One of the things that kept Dave going was knowing that, after his return to Sydney from South Africa, and the pressure and the pain, he'd soon be back on the pitch, doing what he does best, what he was born to do.

It was essential for his mental health, not to mention essential for keeping us afloat financially.

We were over-mortgaged. With our new block and the loan we'd taken out to build our new home and with Dave's IPL contract disappearing before our eyes, it looked like we would have no income for a year. I didn't know how we'd keep our heads above water.

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The financial aspect was a lesser concern in those days, though. My primary concern was Dave's wellbeing, which I felt was precarious. He was vulnerable, and I wanted with my whole being to make sure that nothing hurt him when his armour was off, when his defences were down. 

I'd had my moments of weakness and pain and tears, but I was determined not to give in, so I steeled myself every day to be there and to be strong for Dave and the girls.

I believe in mind over matter, but as I discovered, there are limits to what you can just push through.

Perhaps a week or two after we'd moved back to Mum and Dad's place, I'd put the girls to bed and Dave was having a shower. I went into the bathroom, and sat on the toilet, and something strange happened. Something very, very sad. I could see blood, and I instantly knew what had happened.

I knew that I was no longer pregnant.

I stood up in shock for a moment. The pregnancy had meant so much to Dave and me during this harrowing time. It was the one thing that felt hopeful, and something that gave us perspective.

Outside of the house and our family, where everyone had opinions and bile, there was a family bubble, where there was love, impenetrable and growing. But now this. 

Dave jumped out of the shower and I think he knew what had happened just hearing my sobs. He held me and we cried, and in that moment we knew we'd arrived at rock bottom.

This is an extract from Running Strong by Candice Warner, published by HarperCollins Australia. Out now. 

Image: HarperCollins Publishers Australia.

If this has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the Sands Australia 24-hour support line on 1300 072 637. 

You can download Never Forgotten: Stories of love, loss and healing after miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death for free here.

Feature Image: Instagram @candywarner1.