Can you become too dependent on a sex toy? An expert explains.

This year I traded winter for a European summer – a month-long adventure through sweltering climates. A holiday fling was guaranteed – I’d booked a cheeky weekend away with an ex-flame – but still, there was just one thing I couldn’t leave at home.

Packed securely between my iPhone charger and international adaptor was the carry-on I’d become unable to live without. Even when I had someone else in the bedroom.

It was my vibrator. 

Because my clitoral suction stimulator didn’t just get me off when I was solo, it added an entirely new intensity to sex that I just couldn’t give up. With pinpoint precision and a powerful motor, it was giving me the greatest pleasure of my life. And I was struggling to come (literally) without it.

But the more and more I pulled it out, whether with partners or alone, I had to ask myself: had I become dependent on my vibrator to get off?

How much are really we using our vibrators?

The same question had also crossed the mind of Natalie, a 40-year-old woman who uses her vibrator wand daily.

Sometimes in the morning, sometimes after the gym, sometimes during a lunch break or sometimes before bed. Unless she is on her period or sick, it’s become part of her routine. And while the main purpose for her is to orgasm, the added bonus is that orgasming helps her to relax.

“To be honest, I’ve thought about whether I use it 'too' much,” Natalie told Mamamia. “But then again it’s not like I use it for hours on end. It’s just quicker with it and it gets the job done when I don’t have much time.”

It’s that dependability that has Felicity coming back to her sex toy, time and time again. “It’s reliable,” the 29-year-old said. “I’m single and I rely on it to get my fix, plus the satisfaction is guaranteed. I get what I need out of it without the emotional hassle.” 

While some weeks Penelope will only use her vibrator once, often it’s 10 times in seven days – noting that she believes there's no such thing as vibrator overuse.

“No, I think it’s fine,” the 22-year-old told Mamamia. “If I’m horny, I’m going to masturbate. I don’t always use it, sometimes I use my hand instead, and there’s no difference when I have sex. I still come during sex as easy as before.” 

But it’s not the same for Bianca, who uses her clitoral suction stimulator every day. 

“Sometimes two or three times,” the 34-year-old explained. “I love the feeling of orgasm. Everyone needs a daily orgasm.” Yet it’s something she’s never achieved with her current partner. “I don’t think that’s due to the use of toys but right now my only way of orgasming is with my clit sucker. Other toys don’t cut the mustard either.”

Listen to Sealed Section, the podcast where sexologist Chantelle Otten answers all the questions you're too afraid to ask your girlfriends. Story continues after podcast.

The sex toy revolution.

So is it really a surprise that we’re having better orgasms, or any orgasms, when we’re alone?

“Across the board, regardless of gender and genitals, it is a lot easier to have an orgasm with yourself because you know what feels good,” Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach, told Mamamia. “You know how to build arousal in your body and you have control over where and how you're touching yourself.”

And while sex toys aren’t new, their popularity has blown up over the last decade.

“I think that is due to a range of things including sex positivity and the sexual revolution,” Georgia said. "More people are speaking about sex than ever before, more influential people in the media are talking about the benefits, and now we’re seeing sex toys that feel nice, that people are proud of, that are easily integrated into a range of sexual experiences, and as a result people are certainly using sex toys a whole lot more."

Is there such a thing as using a sex toy too much?

When it comes to sexual experiences, whether or not something is ‘too much’ is one of the top questions Georgia receives. 

“Often we’ve been conditioned by sex ed and messages around masturbating that if you have too many orgasms, you might run out of them, become infertile or destroy yourself for partnered sex,” she said. 

“But sex toys can’t desensitise you, they can’t rub away nerve endings and you won’t become numb because you’re using a vibrator,” the expert confirmed. She added that so long as masturbation is fun and fulfilling, even doing it every day is a “really healthy sexual practice”.

Georgia does warn however that if there is a line that self-pleasuring can cross over, it's when it gets to a point of addiction. “To get clear on what that actually is, it would be anytime people are not going to work, not eating food, not drinking water, not seeing their friends and not doing all of the things that they need in order to be a functioning human being,” she explained.  

“If it becomes an addiction and they can't do anything else, then that's when you would be seeking professional support from a specialist who works with that.”

On this episode of Sealed Section, a listener has contacted us to ask about whether our love of sex toys could be affecting our ability to get off without them. Story continues after podcast.

How our bodies can learn to rely on vibrators.

Georgia went on to explain that by repeatedly masturbating in the same way, our bodies become familiar with that type of sexual stimulation and begin to expect it.

“So if you’re using the same toy, always lying on your back, watching porn, in the same position and in the same setting then your body will have that learned response and start to expect that when it comes to building arousal,” she said. 

“Then if you’re having sex in a completely different way with someone else and the toy isn’t involved and your partner is figuring out how to stimulate your body, or they’re not even stimulating, for example, your clitoris, but just internally penetrating you, that is a whole different way of experiencing pleasure.”

So are there recommendations for vibrator use?

The first rule is that there are no rules. 

Georgia told Mamamia that she would “never suggest not to use a toy.” Instead, it's about getting spicy.

“What we do is pretty simple and kind of fun,” she said. “It’s about learning to masturbate in new ways. So I'll set my clients homework whereby one time they might hold the toy with a different hand or they might be standing up or they might go a few sessions without the toy and use their hands.”

She also suggested taking the focus and pressure away from the orgasm and coming back to sensation and pleasure. 

“What we’ll do is make a difference between a practice and a play session,” Georgia explained. “So they might practice touching and stimulating their whole body with their hands, and then their play session could be the next day where they know they want to have an orgasm, they know they can have it very quickly with this toy and they’ll still be able to experience that.”

In this bumper episode of Sealed Section, Chantelle answers EVERYTHING you want to know about self-pleasure. Story continues after podcast.

“It's just about learning different ways to build arousal and different ways to build arousal when there isn't that intensity of vibration, which is basically designed to make you come.”

Now that sounds like my kind of work.

Feature Image: Canva/Mamamia.

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