'My son will hate my guts.' The friendship rules 5 parents won’t cross with their kids.

As a millennial, like many of my friends, I grew up in a household where my parents had pretty firm boundaries around our relationship. They weren’t my friends, they were my guardians, and that was made clear from the jump. 

This is not to say that I didn’t grow up in a loving and nurturing home, but our relationship was defined by child and carer boundaries and there was no blurring of that line.

While I will never begrudge my parents for setting those boundaries for themselves, I often think about how our relationship would have been different if we were ‘friends’, so to speak. 

Watch: Things Parents of Teens Just Get. Story continues after video.

When I was growing up, I remember longingly observing one of my school friends and her mother who had an incredibly close bond. They were, by all accounts, best friends – they went shopping every weekend, told each other all of their secrets and, as my friend became an adult, their bond strengthened where they would talk on the phone for hours each day.

There are two ends of the spectrum here: those parents who don’t think it’s appropriate to be friends with your kids and parents who think it’s totally okay to form a friendship.

When I recently prepared to welcome my first child, I asked my mum what her number one piece of advice would be and she resoundingly responded with, “Your child is not your friend, you are there to be her parent and care for her in the best way possible.”

As I’ve learned since becoming a mother, there are plenty of pieces of advice you’ll receive as you enter into modern-day parenthood – some that should be challenged as ‘gentle parenting’ gains popularity and some that should be grabbed with both hands. But on the topic of setting friendship boundaries with your children, I’ve found myself sitting on the fence. I appreciate the way I was brought up whilst also yearning for that feeling of friendship I never had with my parents.

I recently read an article published on Vox where writer Allie Volpe asked the question, “Should you be friends with your kids?” Throughout her investigation she sought the advice of professionals in the field who imparted their pearls of wisdom on the subject. Amongst her discoveries was the idea that setting clear rules and expectations helps create an environment of respect.

I spoke to Doctor of Clinical Psychology and mum of two Kimberly Stirling about how parents should approach setting boundaries within the confines of their relationship. Through her clinical studies (and experience as a parent) she says a traditional friendship structure might interfere with a child’s development.

“We can take elements of healthy friendship like kindness, compassion, doing fun stuff, being a safe person to talk with, in-jokes and shared interests, and all of that will be so positive for that attachment, enjoyment of each other and meeting the emotional needs of our child,” she said. 

“As a parent though, it is important to be mindful of the function of that relationship for us – if there is a focus on our child meeting our own emotional needs, or an expectation that the ‘friendship’ be reciprocal, things can get messy. Enmeshment within parent-child relationships typically impacts the young person's development of autonomy.”

Professor David Dawes, Clinical Psychologist and Co-Director of the Child Behaviour Research Clinic at the University of Sydney, says that when these lines of friendship and parenting blur, it can lead to behavioural issues in the family unit.

“Problems can arise when routines for fun and connection undermine or compete with a parent’s capacity to set limits in age-appropriate ways. Problems can also arise when a child’s relationship with one specific parent makes it hard for both parents to act as a united front when needed,” said Professor Dawes.

“Sometimes, parents who want to be friends with their children will avoid setting rules and limits on their behaviours because they don’t want to upset them. Young people generally want their parents to be their parent and are not looking for friendship in this relationship.”

So how do we go about setting those boundaries and sticking to them? Professor Caroline Hunt, Head of the Clinical Psychology Unit at the University of Sydney, says clear communication is the key when defining these boundaries.

"Be clear and open and transparent about your expectations. Ideally set up the expectations early. For example, this may be about what extra items might be purchased at the supermarket for younger children before you head out to the shops, or curfews for older children before they start going out in the evening.

"Talk openly with your children. Be prepared to follow through on consequences (e.g. if you have said there will be reduced screen time for fighting with siblings then make sure this is put in place in line with what you have said). Make sure that boundaries do shift as young people mature, as you gradually allow independence from parents while allowing them to maintain a secure base.”

While they may be some very well thought out opinions of experts in the field, I wanted to dig around and find out what my contemporaries were feeling on the subject. Do the other parents in my orbit believe that you shouldn't be friends with your kids? Here’s what I discovered:

Kadie, 35, mother of two.

“I feel like it is 100 per cent my responsibility to make sure my kids are prepared for the world – socially, emotionally, etc. I think that has to happen from my role as a parent. I think as my kids get older I want that to be my goal. It would be nice to think it could switch over and become a friendship based on mutual respect. This seems like a long way off at the moment though.”

Listen to This Glorious Mess, Should you expect to be "friends" with your kids as they get older? Post continues below.

Christie, 35, mother of two.

“I’d be a strong no. Parent first, friend later. So many messed up, out-of-control kids out there whose parents are scared to parent because they don’t want to upset their kids. I want a strong relationship but not friends while they are kids and need perimeters and guidelines… I sound like a cold bitch. Children thrive when they feel safe and as weird as it sounds, rules and boundaries make kids feel safe.”

Chelsea, 35, mother of one.

“Hard no. Friends implies you are somewhat equal. You respect how they choose to live their life, which for sure can happen when children are adults and can start to form that lovely shift from the dependent to equal footing. Kids have enough friends but they only get one (hopefully) chance at having someone who cares enough to be tough, guide and influence them. I’ve fully accepted that my son will hate my guts for a good decade because I won’t let him go to parties, sleepovers, 'insert whatever'. But only now do I appreciate what Mum and Dad did – which I HATED – but I now realise, ‘You were thinking long-term gain, short-term pain.’ And I think people forget you don’t need to be friends with kids to have a beautiful relationship. The parent-child relationship is so special.”

Pip, mother of two.

"I think it's important to maintain your status as parent with your kids. My mum always said to me, "I'm not your friend, I'm your parent." Have fun with your kids; play with them and laugh with them and experience joy with them. But ultimately, they need to see you as a figure of knowledge and authority, and trust that you have their best interests at heart. You can't maintain that position when you're out clubbing with your tween."

As I reflect on all the expert opinions and voices from my community, I’ve realised something. Over the years I did eventually become friends with my parents and it really is so special. It didn’t happen overnight, but we found our footing in a new era of our relationship. They will always be my parents and I wouldn’t be the person (and mother) I am today without the boundaries they set for me as a child.

I’ll take all of this advice on board and use it in my arsenal as I wade my way through parenthood. For now, I feel buoyed by the knowledge that I can have a loving relationship with my child and somewhere down the track we will find a friendship that grew from a foundation built on deep respect.

Feature Image: Getty.

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