'When I became a new dad, I knew something was wrong. But I couldn't tell my family.'

Trent and his wife Stella did not have an easy road to parenthood. The couple tried for nearly a year to fall pregnant, before his wife was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). What followed were months of hormonal treatments, injected through the stomach.

"Even on our wedding night, my wife couldn't drink, she couldn't enjoy herself as much, just because we were trying so hard to have our child," Trent told Mamamia.

Finally, on the very last round of injections, they fell pregnant.

"We were thrilled, very ecstatic," he said.

The pregnancy was going smoothly, but when they reached the 30-week mark, everything changed.

Watch: Jess Eva talks about her postnatal depression on 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!'. Post continues after video.

"I got home from work one day and my wife said, 'Look, I don't think the baby's moving around as much. I just want to go get him checked out.' I said 'No worries, we'll go up to the hospital'. She stayed in overnight."

The next morning, the obstetrician told the parents-to-be that it was time to prepare themselves to welcome their baby.

"They said, 'Go get yourselves ready. You'll be in theatre in four hours, and you'll be delivering your baby 10 weeks early'. Here's me thinking, leading up to that, [that] we've still got another 10 weeks; I don't need to set the cot up yet; I don't need to put the car seat in yet; I don't need to do all the stuff that I should do just before the baby's born. It came as a complete surprise."

Their son, little Xavier, was born premature and spent 10 weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It was right in the middle of COVID, so no loved ones were allowed to visit. 

"I was kind of in a no-man's land, really, because I wanted to be with my wife, who was on the operating table, still getting stitched up. But at the same time, I'm being tugged away by the nurses to the NICU, where Xavier ended up going."

All around Trent were "horror stories".

"We were placed next to a family who lost their baby three days later, and on the other side of us there was a baby who had chronic lung issues; he was four days old, but he'd already had two or three surgeries."

Medical staff warned Trent and Stella of the risks for Xavier's early arrival.

"Specialists and the doctors were coming up to us saying, 'He's come early, so there's a chance that he's going to have this disease, or is going to be at greater risk of cerebral palsy'. That was a big one that has only just been ruled out as of last year, which is excellent."

The new dad still remembers the rush of panic that fell over him at the hospital.

"It was really tough looking down at your baby; he was so small. And then hearing horror stories around you. You're looking down at your child and thinking… it's just a really tough mindset to be in."

From there, everything felt heightened. And the new parents were completely isolated as they navigated their new reality.

"Our emotions were out of whack. I was happy, I was sad, I was everything under the sun in such a short amount of time," Trent told Mamamia.

"It was really tough looking down at your baby, he was so small," Trent said. Image: Supplied

Fellow father Luke understands this roller-coaster of emotions all too well. His eldest son was three-and-a-half years old when he and his wife welcomed twins. 

"We jumped straight into going from one kid to three kids," Luke told Mamamia.

"My wife had to focus on suddenly having two newborns. So, for me, I felt like my responsibility became trying to look after the toddler, but at the same time, I'm trying to balance and manage becoming a father to these two new twins, and watch and manage my wife's mental health and be the foundation and the solid rock."

Things were made even harder by the lack of support given to the family of five.

"In Australia, government support isn't recognised for multiples until you hit three kids, so parents of twins get the same support as parents of singles, unless you have triplets," Luke explained.

The criteria for the Multiple Birth Allowance states that "this payment is for people who get Family Tax Benefit (FTB) Part A and have triplets, quadruplets or more in their care," as per Services Australia.

"Multiple Birth Allowance is not for people who have twins in their care."

Financially, this placed a strain on Luke's family.

"Formula is expensive already, but now you've got to pay twice for all of those things like nappies," he said. "You just burn through things much quicker, and you don't get anything [extra] unless you have three."

Research shows that parents of twins are also more likely to suffer from post-partum depression than parents of singletons.

"Postnatal depression and anxiety can impact anyone, including fathers and non-birthing parents," said Mathew Aquilina, the Clinical Team Leader of the Gidget Foundation Australia.

"Around one in 10 new dads experience perinatal depression or anxiety in the months before or after the birth of their baby. Becoming a parent can be a profound change, and with it can come immense joy, but also stress, sleep deprivation, uncertainty."

Luke struggled with his mental health after his twins were born. Image: Supplied

They didn't know it at the time, but Trent and Luke were experiencing post-natal depression. And things only got worse when they returned home from hospital.

Suddenly, Trent and his wife were even more isolated, with no hospital staff to help them.

"Xavier was on nasal gastric feeding tubes all the way up until he was discharged," the father explained. "We were at home, not knowing how to care for a child. We were first-time parents with all these extra steps. We were on a very strict feeding regime; we could only give him so much of a certain product over a certain time, because he was so underweight and so premature, and it took him a while to get into a routine at home, which then obviously took us a while to get into the routine at home. We couldn't call on anyone to help. So our mental health did deteriorate quite a fair bit, unfortunately."

According to clinician Aquilina, there are "some overlapping symptoms between mothers and fathers experiencing postnatal depression or anxiety. However, for many dads, depression may present as irritability, anger, or emotional detachment".

"The perceived pressure to be the steady emotional anchor and primary provider can be overwhelming for dads, especially if their partner is also experiencing mental health challenges," he said.

Luke certainly resonated with this.

"I started to become very disconnected and exhausted, but also tightly wound. And it's not the sort of person that I am typically," he said.

The new dad could recognise he was having mental health issues. But although he knew he should speak up, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Stigma remains a significant barrier to help-seeking among dads, with only 12.9 per cent of Australian men seeing a health professional for their mental health, compared with 21.6 per cent of women,^" said Aquilina, referencing the ABS' National Study of Mental Health and Wellbeing.

"Men may internalise the idea that being a 'good dad' means being strong, stoic, and always in control, so admitting [that] they're not coping can feel confronting and even shameful."

Luke said that while he really tried to confide in his wife Renee, he stumbled at every turn.

"I remember specifically lying in bed having understood what I was going through and knowing that I could talk about it, and having this thought in my head, lying next to my wife, going, 'I can open up. I should open up. I know I'm allowed to have these feelings, and I know that I can talk about it.'

"But I was lying there and feeling physically frozen, feeling like I couldn't even physically open my mouth to say it. There was a physicality that was just stopping me from being able to open my mouth. It was really sort of shocking."

"I was lying there and feeling physically frozen," Luke said. Image: Supplied

It took Trent longer to realise he was struggling mentally, which is not uncommon in new dads.

"Fathers often don't seek help when they're struggling because they're not able to recognise that what they're experiencing is a common and treatable mental health condition," Aquilina told Mamamia. "Others may mistakenly believe that perinatal mental health conditions only affect mothers."

Trent had never grappled with mental health issues before, which made it harder for him to comprehend.

"It was completely new," he said. "I didn't really know how to recognise it, or what to recognise and, because of that, I was feeling low.

"It's meant to be the happiest time of your life. You've just come home with a brand-new baby, ready to experience the world, and I start questioning myself, 'Why do I not feel happy? Why am I upset?'"

Like Luke, Trent also felt like he had to be a rock for his wife.

"There's still a bit of stigma around, 'I'm the father of the family. I'm the dad, I'm the rock. I'm just meant to get on with it and do what's best for my family.'"

As a result, he felt it difficult to confide in his wife.

"There was a perceived sense of shame on my behalf, because I felt like I shouldn't feel like this. My wife's just gone through hell and back through the whole experience, and here I am just feeling sad. It was really me saying, 'Just get over yourself. You'll be right. Just be that rock, because your family needs you right now.'"

But as Trent went on, he couldn't ignore the signs. He was losing motivation for everything he once loved.

As a musician, he had always been able to find solace in his music, but having a baby changed everything.

"It's just my way of regulating myself and becoming happy and getting everything out. But I just lost all motivation to do anything that makes me happy. I just felt like, 'Well, what's the point? It's not going to help anything. I'm just not going to do anything.'"

This is a common symptom of depression, says Aquilina.

"They may find it difficult to enjoy things they used to, feel disconnected from their baby or partner, or notice a lack of motivation," said the clinical team leader.

"Sleep disturbances (not related to baby), physical aches and having trouble concentrating can also be signs a father may be dealing with more than the typical challenges of early parenthood."

For two weeks, Trent's motivation disappeared. 

"It got to the point where it was like, 'No, I can't go on. I absolutely need help'. And that recognition and that asking for help was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."

Trent, however, came to realise that if he wasn't at his best, he was doing his family a disservice.

"Rocks do break, and you can't be there for your family if you can't be there for yourself."

According to Aquilina, talking about your emotions is the "first and most important step".

"Whether it's with their partner, a friend, or another dad, initiating that conversation can help break the isolation and bring clarity to what they are experiencing."

"You can't be there for your family if you can't be there for yourself," said Trent. Image: Supplied

Luke knew he needed to vocalise his feelings. But every time he opened his mouth to speak to his wife, that lump in his throat would reappear, and he would find himself paralysed.

Instead, he decided to put down his thoughts in writing.

"I ended up sending Renee a message. I texted her about it one day, which opened a dialogue without me having to open my mouth specifically," he told Mamamia.

"Once we put a name to it, once we had that conversation [and] started to break down those walls, then we were able to talk about it in person. Even getting through that made things slightly easier."

Trent's turning point came a little differently. He and his wife were cleaning out the nappy bag when a pamphlet from the hospital fell out.

It was for the Gidget Foundation, a not-for-profit organisation that supports the mental health of expectant, new and potential parents.

"I looked at it and thought, 'You know what? I don't know if I need it or not, but what's the harm in trying?'. So I spoke to my GP, who gave me a mental health assessment plan, and then I was referred to the Gidget Foundation," Trent said. "It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but even after that first session, it was the best thing I ever did."

The new dad spent the first session "pouring everything out onto the table".

"I was a mess. I was crying, I was laughing. I was just… everything. It was the first time in those 12 weeks that I'd actually stopped [and] thought about it. And doing that is when I realised how mentally fatigued I actually was."

As well as talking things through, it's important to "prioritise moments of self-care," Aquilina said.

"Becoming a parent involves sacrifice, but it doesn't need to mean completely losing who you are," said the clinician. "Even spending just 15 minutes doing something enjoyable like going for a walk, listening to music, or extending your commute home by 10 minutes can make a real difference."

"I was a mess. I was crying, I was laughing," Trent said about his first therapy session. Image: Supplied

When Luke's twins were born, moments of self-care became rare.

"My whole focus shifted, and I found myself just becoming 'dad', and then my entire identity was wrapped up in 'dad', and that was for quite a long period," he told Mamamia.

Like Trent, Luke is a musician. And while he had been able to balance his job when his first child was born, he felt like he lost that part of himself when he became a father-of-three.

But when Luke started to "get back into doing creative things," he also began feeling more like himself again.

"Renee and I planned separate times where she could go out and do things, and I could have time to myself to work on my creative projects and have that outlet again, and start to identify myself as a human outside of [being a] dad again."

Trent and Luke's stories aren't anomalies. There are many fathers struggling who are scared to speak up.

"Becoming a father is a major life transition, and it brings uncertainty, pressure, and exhaustion. Struggling in those early stages doesn't mean you're failing; it means you're human," said Aquilina.

"It is crucial to normalise the reality that parenthood can be challenging, that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that it's perfectly normal to struggle emotionally. Sharing lived experience stories, educating our communities, and ensuring services are inclusive of fathers are all steps toward dismantling the shame and replacing it with support."

Luke, for his part, wants other dads to know they have permission to struggle and seek help.

"I didn't feel worthy of having these feelings, because my wife had just been through all of this, not me. You don't feel like you deserve or are allowed to have those feelings.

"I think it's important to understand and normalise that it is okay; men go through this as well. Communication is so important, and whether that's to your wife or whether you just feel like you can reach out and talk to a friend, it is important to try and identify it."

As Aquilina puts it, "there are people and services out there who understand what you're going through and want to help. Talk to your partner or a friend, reach out to Gidget Foundation Australia, or have a chat with your GP, and know that you're not alone.

"The sooner you take that first step, the sooner you can start feeling like yourself again."

Feature Image: Supplied.